Hey there folks, It's Bob Talksis and Steve Whodat here-- please join us in our umpteenth straight year of the Domestic Industrial Life Duty Ordeals, also known as the Boredom Olympics or B.O. for short. Today we're checking in on our "Car Servicing" event-- let's see how our daft-letes are doing, shall we?
You know, Bob, we've got a good group of participants today-- front and center we've got Stylish Granny, in the trendy blue flowered cardigan from Nordstrom's with the practical and yet cutting edge Comfort Stride Mary-Jane tennis shoes to round out her twinset. Her equipment of choice is the self-help book, complete with double-edged highlighter/pen combination to help her focus--ooh, this granny has got it going on and is prepared to battle boredom old school style. Watching her should be slightly better than watching paint dry and slightly worse than watching contestant number two!
I don't know, Steve, contestant number two is Beleaguered Mom of Pre-Schoolers-- and she might just be our winner here. Of course things have changed since they instituted the "Child's Room" and the mommies have a place to play as well as three battered legos and a wooden train to help them in their--oh! There's the "Kid's Riffling through the Donut Box" foul-- oh folks! That donut got chucked halfway across the room, that's a clear red-card violation and our Beleaguered Mom is outta there!
Oh, Bob! That's too bad, but a donut foul is a donut foul. Perhaps the next two contestants will put on a better show. Here we have the Two Old Guys Discussing Politics While Watching the View! Now this should be good, because Northern California can be redneck central, so let's listen in, shall we?
Old Guy 1: Oh, look. There's Whoopie Goldberg. I like her. Very funny.
Old Guy 2: And she's interviewing whosits from Glee! What a nice lady. Did you see that? She's singing!
Old Guy 1: She's got a good voice, that one. I hear she's a lesbian.
Old Guy 2: Whoopie too. Good for them.
Old Guy 1: Yeah. My granddaughter is a lesbian.
Old Guy 2: Aubergine?
Old Guy 1: Yeah. She's got a girlfriend who makes real good cookies. Tanya. Nice girls, both. Wow, look at Jane Lynch talk--she's a nice lady.
Oh, Steve--that is so disappointing. So disappointing.
I know, Bob-- I was expecting at the very least some political incorrectness and racial slurs there--what's NorCal coming to when Two Old Guys Discussing Politics can't at least broach the topic of "Why the N-word shouldn't go out of style!"
Well, Steve, gone are the good old days when old white people could just randomly stomp on the feelings of people of color or those in the non-hetero gender spectrum for their own amusement, and some people say it's for the better. But that's not why we're here today-- we're here to declare a winner, and as sweet and genuine as this little convo is, it is not a winner in the time-honored games of B.O..
So the next contestants here are--oh, these two are making a surprise showing, Bob! It's Two Middle-Aged Women and a Service Dog!
Points for the service dog, Steve-- that was good thinking. Animals of any kind are good to break the boredom games, but… wait, what are they talking about? Is it cute things the pooch does on the rug? Is it dead things he's rolled in? No. Oh dear… Steve, I'm so disappointed. They're talking about service dog paperwork.
This is a disaster! Oh my God, Bob! Several onlookers are tracking drool. Drool, Bob, drool. The only one who should be drooling here is the dog!
Oh, man! Steve, you realize who's left in this round don't you?
Yes I do, and it doesn't look good.
Our final contestants in this round of B.O. are none other than Ms. Amy Lane and her daughter Squish. Now normally, Steve, given that she has no job outside of the home, you'd think Ms. Lane would be a strong contender.
I know, Bob, but she has, in fact, several writing deadlines to chase, so her mind will probably not be in the game. At this point she's only got a couple of things going for her-- her yarn bag, her phone, and her daughter, Squish, who stayed home today because her tummy was not completely healed.
You know, Steve, Ms. Lane says that, but given that this woman once one these games by building a structure out of donuts and splenda packets, I think that's a likely story coming from this wily former champion.
Well, age dulls even the best of us, Bob, and Ms. Lane freely admits, she was never the best of us. But look-- she is starting out well by bringing in the knitting. That's very canny on her part-- she always complains that she has no time to knit, and this activity should keep her from being bored for quite some time.
Well, yes, Steve, but usually the knitting is in conjunction with at least two other forms of stimuli-- the television, music, a book, a rousing game of Words-With-Friends? Today we have only…
The View. Yes, Bob--that was a stunning handicap given to our contestants--it almost constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. But look! Lane seems interested in the Jane Lynch segment, so that's points in her favor.
Oh yes, Steve--and now she's showing Squish how to make hot chocolate the super fattening way with extra hazelnut creamer. Oh! And it's too hot! That should provide at least twenty minutes of entertainment!
Oh, Ms. Lane is a canny contender. She's alternating the knitting with use of her phone--FB, Twitter, she's got it all--but why isn't she using the Kindle ap?
Oh, Steve-- I think it's the Squish factor. See? She needs to periodically check on Squish--and, you know, with the ADHD, too much silence is not a good thing. Yes, yes, the sporadic conversation with Squish may just save this contestant. See? There she's nagging about hygiene, there she's asking about Pokemon, and oh! Look! She just cracked a joke and made her daughter laugh!
Bob, I think it's clear--unless this car servicing gig goes an hour overtime and Ms. Lane completely loses her nut, we do have a winner in the time honored games of B.O.!
(Alas, the games did go into overtime, and I'm pretty sure the two sweet old guys reading the funnies won. However, mom got home and her yarn delivery as well as her chocolate delivery from her beloved Ro had arrived, and Squish and mom had a very nice afternoon :-)