Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Oh geez, REALLY?

Kids are, as you know, a mixed blessing.

Today was more mixed than most.

This morning Chicken came over to walk my parents' dog, Max. Max is the mellowest, most awesome, most amazing old dog in the world, and Chicken went to the squishy part of the park so she could throw him a ball and lope after squirrels. While she did this I walked the little asshole Chihuahuas around their usual loop (partial today, because the park was flooded) so they could poop.

Chicken ran up to me, Max in tow, and we continued our walk, talking idly.  In the middle of our walk, she interrupted herself.

"Mom, I have a confession to make."

"What?"  (Thinking: Oh God, how bad can this be?)

"While I was throwing the ball to Max, he took a giant dump. I didn't have a poop bag. I couldn't find it now with a divining rod."

"Oh... uh..."

"I mean, it's gonna be pouring down rain for two days, but not even that's gonna wash it away."

"Oh. Uh..."

"I'm sorry."

"Uh, next time ask me for a poop bag."


So, afterwards, we went to get our toes done--and I got my furry troll face waxed. Or, well, eyebrows and mustache.

We had a time limit, so as I was getting my feet done--just at the part where they were using the loofah that tickled--the aesthetician came up to wax my troll face.

And Chicken watched avidly, because I was simultaneously bracing for getting hair ripped off my body, wincing because it hurt, and laughing because someone was scrubbing my wiggling feet.

While I was trying to deal with all of that, I heard  Chicken laugh.

"Am I tickling you?" (The people at our pedicure place are so sweet!)

"No!" she giggled. "I'm watching my mom. She's hysterical!"

I told this to Squish. She also thought it was hysterical.

And finally, ZoomBoy, who needs a filter.

"Mom, you know how Geoffie licks our ankles when we come out of the shower?"


"The other day, she jumped up and got my knee and my thigh. It was personal."

"OH DEAR GOD."  (From me.)

"Oh my God, ZoomBoy!!!" (From Squish.)

"ZoomBoy we didn't even want to know that. Ever."

"I'm sorry."

No he's not. He wanted to shock me. He wanted to embarrass us. He wanted a reaction. So I gave him one.

"Well at least I can say I knew your first girlfriend. And she was a real bitch."

"OH MY GOD MOM!!!!!!!"

"Next time keep that story to yourself."


Kids. Oh geez. REALLY?

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

All Small Dogs Are Assholes

So I took Guest Dog Gibbs in for a checkup today--just the ordinary vet thing. We needed to put her on a health plan (cha-ch$ng!) and get her checked out--and pay for a nail clip.

Her front nails were getting out of hand.

It turns out that the kneecaps of her back legs are displaced-- they slide in and out really easily, which apparently is a Chihuahua problem. *sigh* Pure breeds. Seriously--a pure bred dog is a birth defect, bred consistently until the inbreeding kills it. Not that I don't like the idea of certain dogs, but it's often why I keep the breed of my animals in my books sort of a mystery. Clopper is a cross between a Great Dane and a donkey. I just wrote a Great Dane/Pit Bull/Giant Poodle mixed breed. Lots of size in that one, lots of sweetness--hopefully no hip dysplasia or other problems. It's one of the reasons I love Geoffie and Johnnie so much, in spite of the fact that as Johnnie ages he looks like a tiny root beer barrel on stilts. They're just less susceptible to injury is all.

Anyway, Gibbs is a purebred Chihuahua and she's got displaced knees. They give her a mincing "diva walk" which makes sure her little paws don't hit the ground, so her front claws were overgrown to a ridiculous degree while her back claws were kept mostly in line by daily walks.

She's SO much more comfortable now.

But the vet noted that she was exceptionally sweet, and I looked into Gibbs's little blueberry muffin eyes and realized that the worst thing possible had happened.

I'd fallen in love with the little butt-cookie oven.

I mean, she crapped IN THE VET'S OFFICE while I was getting her registered. There I was, three dogs wrapped around my ankles like a furry bolo death-machine, and I smelled something. Looking around me was made ridiculous by the fact that I was dodging dogs AND trying not to step in that thing I smelled, and boom.

Butt-cookies--I barely avoided stepping in them. (As ZoomBoy calls them, "MY LEAST FAVORITE COOKIE!")

Anyway-- just as I discovered the butt-cookies, Johnnie AND Geoffie both piddled. So in about four minutes, me and the Chi-who-what mafia managed to wipe out the entire front of the desk at Banfield. It was really impressive.

But we got that cleaned up, she got looked at--turns out she has athletes foot fungus. Go figure. And I was told that--like my other animals-- we could all stand to lose a few pounds.

And I realized that, permanent or not, she's family. She's the number-one reason my knitting is slow. She's the force behind two runs to the treat bag every night. She's one of three small furry chaperones that cuddle my body and try not to let any sex happen in my bed, period. (Mate and I have been known to kick them out--I'm just saying, the three of them are judgy and out of sorts when we do.)

And the kids are all looking for a new place to live so she can go stay with her original mom. *sigh*  I'm gonna miss the diva-stepping, butt-cookie pushing little bolo-weight, I really am. And judging by the way Geoffie and Johnnie were all licking her little face and nuzzling her when we picked her up, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.


All small dogs are assholes.

Monday, January 14, 2019


Okay, so we were watching an old episode of Supernatural, featuring a scary baby, and ZoomBoy produced a meme featuring a baby with demon black eyes that said, "I'm totally in love with my baby, but I wish he'd stop saying 'This human form is so limiting.'"

Yes, I laughed my ass off, why?

Anyway--it reminded me of one of my very first short stories--something I wrote right after Chicken was born. Big T's disability was really making itself known then. I mean, some of it should have been known beforehand. He was missing milestones right and left. When he was six months old the doctor sat him up and said, "He should be sitting by now." T sort of slumped to the side like a bag of flour with more bag than flour. The doctor said, "He'll sit soon. I'll check it off my list." And Big T fell over and Mate caught him and the doctor just kept checking milestones he didn't achieve. This was back when Kaiser was a nightmare--that guy was close to retirement, and frankly, I think he'd had enough of babies and parents who didn't know what they were doing. Anyway, I wish I could kick him in the teeth because he did his best to make Mate and I feel stupid for asking "Hey, is this normal?" We would bring T in for an ear infection--because he wouldn't stop crying and none of the teething remedies were working and we hadn't slept in a week--and instead of looking at his behavior (and his medical charts SAID he was normal, right?) they gave us albuterol which is for asthma which would have kept him up for another week if we'd been dumb enough to give it to him. Honestly, that was when I started to lose my faith in doctors, really.

Anyway, when he was a toddler, he was a nightmare. He didn't transition--if he was doing something--say, pounding something with a hammer until your eyeballs bled--and you were trying to get him to change his diaper because his smell was something extra special, the tantrum he pitched would bring the neighbors. This was when we lived on a six and a half acre plot of land.

So, there I was, very often with no car, with a newborn (who was very well behaved) and a toddler who baffled me, and no Mate, because he was going to school and working six nights a week just so we could pay for heat.

I wrote.

One of the things I wrote was a short story which I've long since lost--but I remember a lot of details about it, so I thought I'd share.

It was about a toddler who was possessed by Satan. I have no idea where I got the inspiration. Anyway, the kid in the story was doing things like making sure the baby Lion in the Lion King was getting eaten by the hyenas and turning everything mom put in the grocery cart into Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He was levitating his baby sister and letting her drop into mom's panicked arms and painting a mural with baby food using only his mind. Again--this shit just came to me, seriously. *rolls eyes* And the mother was desperate at first, but then all of the "seasoned" mothers in the story just kept telling her "You know, it's probably just a phase."

She went to doctors who told her it was teething or colic and who gave her medicine that made him literally float through the walls (this was before the Incredibles when this superpower became a recognized phenomena, mind you) and finally, because everybody kept telling her she was stressing over nothing, she went to a shrink, who gave her four Percocet, said, "No, I believe you, it's probably Satan--here. Take these. You can talk to God."

God had nothing interesting to say. He thought Mary was great and was sort of sorry he'd screwed her over in the kid department, and told her that Mary chewed him out because she had a right to. Then he disappeared.

And Mom woke up and picked her kid up and yelled, "Lucifer, you asshole, are you in there?"


"You are not welcome here, go play somewhere else."


"I can too. I'M THE MOM, MOTHERFUCKER. Now let go of my child and GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

And there was a big sonic boom and all the movies returned to their original endings and the food mural on the wall disappeared and the sister was suddenly in her cradle after floating near the ceiling for almost an hour, and the woman's beloved, her child, her angel, said, "Can I have snack now?"

And it was all okay.

Anyway, have been telling my teenagers (YIKES! My youngest kids are teenagers!) stories about our learning curve as parents, and that story came to mind. I really do wish I had the original version, but whenever I remember it, I remember my first, tentative, baby steps to raising children like I thought they needed to be raised and having faith that my judgment as a parent was not less important or less informed or less powerful than the judgment of all the people telling me "It's just a phase. You worry too much."

Sometime after I wrote that story, I made fifteen phone calls--FIFTEEN--and got Big T enrolled in an education program that included early intervention. He's been in the educational system since he was two and a half-years old. The first time we put him on a school bus, he was three. And yeah, education hasn't been perfect, but seriously, it's been way better than the witch-doctor necromancy bullshit that the medical profession had to offer. The doctor that wanted me to check out my adolescent son's testicles with surprise inspections as he got out of the shower comes VIOLENTLY to mind.

But I didn't feed him albuterol or scar him for life psychologically or make him go for more than one damned EKG (the gum they put in his hair was a disaster) or let him cry himself to sleep (after a few failed attempts that almost resulted in CPS, thank you), or lay on top of him during dental surgery (omg that fucking dentist)--and while I DID do some things I wished I hadn't, I have to say, eventually I learned to trust myself.

And that story was one of the first moments that I actually put into words that I thought something was wrong that everybody else seemed to be missing.

And I was right.

And I thought I'd share.

SuperBat-- Batman's Hot Cousin, Part 3

Hi all!

I'd say it was a quiet weekend, but I finished Bunny and the Money Man--book one of a Dreamspun Desire series called Search and Rescue--and I made it under deadline. I mean, yes, Squish had indoor soccer, and we went out for burgers, but most of my weekend was finishing that book!

Now that it's done, for the next one to two weeks, I'm going to be editing the Shitty Craft Book-- a book on writing craft that is done but needs a buttload of screen doors and some new paint. In other terms, a hefty edit with lots of research and some tweaking--because I'm online to present this in a couple of places this year, and I want it to be published and perfect before it goes out.

So, Amy, what's it like submitting classes on a book you're self-pubbing that isn't quite done?

Why, stressful as fuck, so glad that you asked!

So, in celebration of the next year of a violent bout of imposter syndrome, I say we have another round of fanfic! And please, my beloveds, don't tell me I'm not an imposter, I know people mean well but at this point it's just better to pretend everything is fine, fine, just fine than to try to overcome self-esteem that was starved of its bone structure when I was a kid.

So, in order to appease my escapist tendencies-- let's escape, shall we?

* * *

Batman's Hot Cousin, Part 3: Through the Air Like Smoke

"Clark! Get your head in the game! Barry needs help!"

Superman shook his head and blew a big blast of freezing breath at the offshoot lava gollum that was racing the Flash as a snake of boiling rock.

The whole monster shuddered and that part froze and shattered, sending people-sized rock fragments down on the heads of the frightened onlookers.

"Hal!" Superman called, and Green Lantern disappeared to keep people from getting smashed, and HawkMan and HawkWoman swooped down to save anyone who might be in the way.

Which left Clark to continue to freeze the monster's tendrils and off and try not to freak out about his lithe, catlike boyfriend sliding through the air like smoke. Smoke shaped like a brick shithouse but smoke just the same.

Watching Batman fight in this form was a major mindfuck.

The women Clark Kent had always been attracted to were strong. Diana, Lois, Lana-- strong, independent, graceful. Warrior women, who would match his wits if not his strength.

Bruce Wayne Female was everything that turned Clark Kent's key--but with a Goth, risk-taking edge that stopped his heart in battle.

Bruce Wayne Female didn't let Clark save him. Not that the others had, but they knew their physical limits and were not afraid to ask for help. Bruce Wayne Female had no awareness of the lighter bone structure and more supple muscles that gave him speed and grace and stamina, but that didn't weigh as much as his heavy tumbler's muscles. He could land a helluva punch in this form--there was no doubt--but he had not yet learned to compensate for the lack of body mass that he'd had before.

He'd spent the last month getting the shit beat out of him is what he'd done.  The backhand from the Joker that had sent him spinning into a cement truck mid-leap had been particularly humiliating.

Or it would have been if he'd remembered it. He'd been concussed for two days. When he'd woken up, he'd had to remember why he had tits all over again.

Clark would hold Bruce Wayne any time he needed it, and tears had never bothered him. But Bruce's sobs as he'd coped with a body that wasn't his were leaving big bloody tracks in Clark Kent's soul.

And watching him fight was terrifying.

"Bruce, get out of there!" Diana yelled. "Your heat armor has gaps in it and that thing's going to cook you alive!"

That was another thing. None of his armor fit this form. Fighting the lava monster was hard enough--but Batman, in his special heat-resistant armor, could open up a hole in the thing's core that Superman could freeze out.

But not if the armor had big air pockets in it that would cook Bruce alive.

"Fuck!" Bruce yelled back-- a sure sign that he was getting frustrated. "Who can get in there and open up a hole!"

"I'm on it!" Hal flew up from rescuing civilians and Bruce bailed, letting Green Lantern send a wedge of power through the thing's center so Superman could freeze it out. Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God, that thing was down, every lava branch on the skyscraper it was trying to take out had turned to stone.

Hal and Clark were on cleanup then, making sure that whatever wasn't melded with the surface of the building had been disintegrated or deposited elsewhere. Diana could have lassoed stuff, Clark supposed, and Barry's speed might have come in handy, but really, Hal and Clark were best suited for the job.

But that meant jack to the pissed off brooding Clark was getting from Bruce's silent com.

They finished cleanup, aware that the rest of the Justice League had gone up to Eye in the Skye to figure out who kept setting lava monsters on them.  When they were done, Clark called to Bruce first, to see if he would respond like a grownup.

When he didn't, he sighed.


"He doesn't want to see you."

"The fuck?"

"Wow--do you realize you've started swearing a lot since you two got together?"

"Please, Diana? What in the--"

"It's not just the fight. Or the armor. Or the two to six weeks left on his sentence."

"What is it?"

She grunted, and the sound was unfamiliar.

"Diana, is there something wrong--?:

"No! There is nothing wrong with her--him! Fuck! It's something that's completely normal but he'd never dealt with it before and it's uncomfortable and painful and messy and he was off his game is all.  Give him a chance to figure it out and he'll be one-hundred percent, you understand?"

Clark was an alien--but he wasn't an idiot.


She sighed. "He didn't want you to know."

"He has a women's body. Women menstruate. It brings about physical changes. Why is he ashamed of that?"

"I don't know, Clark--because of a hundred years of, 'Oh, I wonder if she's on her period?' jokes!"

"But I never told those jokes!"

"But he doesn't want you to think he's not capable because something took him off his game. Women get a couple of years to learn how to deal. This caught him while he was in battle. It was a surprise."

Clark took a deep breath and tried to remind himself that he wasn't the one in the wrong form. Except it felt like he was, because while he loved Bruce in any shape he assumed, he was more and more starting to see the female form as an ill fitting uniform that they somehow had to unzip. It was strangling the man Clark loved.

"Of course it was," he said. "Does he think I couldn't understand that?" But then, Bruce wasn't great at asking for help before he'd had this form. "You know what? Don't answer that. I get it. But I'm not leaving him alone. Because yes, I am that asshole."

And with that he went off coms while he flew into the Batcave.

Bruce wasn't there, and he wasn't in the infirmary. Clark tried his third guess and found him, sitting with Diana in his bedroom, shotgunning Anne With an E on Netflix. He had the remains of what looked like steak on a tray next to him, and he and Diana were eating chocolate mousse.

"No mousse for me?" he asked, keeping the irritation from his voice.

Bruce eyed him sourly. "I'll ask Alfred--"

Clark kissed him on the cheek. "No, no. I'll take the trays and ask Alfred myself. Diana, when I come back I'm going to change, which means you'll see my bare ass. However you want to handle that."

Wasn't something she hadn't seen before, so when he got back-- two more helpings of chocolate mousse and another steak, just for him--on his tray, he was surprised to see she'd gone.

"She's going to change into pajamas," Bruce said, half-laughing. "She says it's the only time I'll get to do this, I should do it right, it's one of the joys of being a woman."

"Is she right?"

"The steak was great," Bruce said grimly. "The rest of it is a giant coping mechanism so women don't rise up and cut off all our penises because we haven't made fixing this system a fucking priority."

Clark raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry?"

"Pajamas or you have to leave," Bruce said, wrapping his robe tighter around him. Underneath he was wearing Clark's pajama bottoms and his T-shirt, when he had plenty of his own. Clark took heart from that. It meant he was a source of comfort.

"Fine, changing. Don't eat my steak."

Bruce looked him dead in the eye. "Hurry."

He did, and when he was done, he picked up the tray and scooted into the giant king sized bed they'd shared since, well, since Bruce had almost been killed by the mad bomber and they'd decided they wanted tone together.

"Now tell me why women are going to rise up against us?"

"Because this? This thing I'm doing? It's awful. It hurts. Like hurts. You know i know pain, and I'm not afraid of it, but this, constantly, as just something I'm supposed to deal with? This is wrong. And the fact that doctors don't think we should put any time into figuring out why it happens and stopping it? Is wrong. I have an entire research and development department, and you know what? The head of that department is a woman and the person under her is a woman, and you know what neither of them has even proposed to me?"

"How to soothe menstrual cramps?"

"Fucking bingo! And do you know why?"

"Because women are told they need to suck it up?"  Clark had never thought of it before. Lana, Lois, Diana--they hadn't so much as let the pain or the inconvenience touch him. The thought made his heart hurt. All the trouble he'd gone to, to get Bruce Wayne to admit something hurt, and women had been masking pain like this for eternity.

"They do." Bruce sighed and leaned against him. "I hate feeling like this."

"Cramps and swelling and--"

"And like I"m borrowing this form. It's not mine. I could make it mine, but right now, I'm some guy bitching because I get a little taste of reality. I hate that it's reality and I can't change it for all the women I know."

"You can help." Clark kissed his temple. "Maybe have a conversation with your R and D department tomorrow."

Bruce nodded, and Clark saw the classic Bruce-Wayne-swallowing-pain maneuver. "Can I hold you?"

"I wish you would," Bruce sighed. "I"m sorry I said to stay away."

"I"m sorry I'm a man."

Bruce let out a laugh and Diana chose that moment to come back in, sliding on Bruce's other side.

"This is not something we'd ever do when I'm a man," Bruce said. After a moment of acknowledging silence, he added, "That's too damned bad."

Clark kissed his temple again, noting that he'd had his hair cut short the day before, just like he did every week. Still Bruce. But Bruce with a little more understanding than he'd had before.

"That is," Clark said. He winked at Diana. "I'm sure Diana would be willing to do this once a month if we asked her nicely."

Diana stole his chocolate mousse. "Only if Alfred caters. And I get to pick the TV."

They settled in then--chips and chocolate and moody television and being warm and snuggly with friends.

Clark hoped they'd do it after Bruce changed his form. He thought that it was false to say it was a perk of being a woman. It should have been a perk of being human--even if you were an alien and a goddess, it still seemed to be a perk.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

A trip to the dentist...

So, we have a new dentist and he's pretty awesome and we love him a lot.

But, well, a trip to the dentist is a trip to the dentist.

This one was to get a crown replaced, which is almost worse than getting the original put in because they have to take the first one off and then drill whatever has rotted underneath it and then refit the temporary and then refit the permanent.

And... well...

I'm a big weenie about pain.

Redheads are supposed to have a high tolerance for it--and I do, mostly. I'm still waiting for the medal for giving birth to Chicken without painkillers. I suspect it got lost in the mail.

But my teeth have deep roots--and deep roots are hard to numb.

So Dr. Baldonado gave me three shots of something and started to drill and each time I could still feel that. (Poor dentists. They must really hate those three words. "I mm mmm mmllll ddttttt.")

So he finished up with something REALLY extra special that my previous dentist had passed down to his son who had passed on to Dr. Baldanado, concerning my dental care.

It was the novocain version of a kamikaze, and it worked stunningly well.

In fact, it worked so well, that even I could feel the four holes in my gums that signaled I'd been well and truly medicated, I could still feel the cocktail creeping up... past my lips... up, to my nose. When your nose is novocained apparently it collapses on the inhale, and so do your sinuses. I had to work hard not to snore while I was awake. And still, it crept up. To my eyelids. My eyelids drooped and tingled.

And don't even get me started on my lips.

Anyway, I texted this to my husband who said, "Do you want me to drive you home?"

"No! It's just my face, not my brain!"

I greeted Squish after school, who looked at the drooping half of my face and said, "Should you even be driving?"

"It's JUST MY FACE! Brain is fine!"

And then Chicken called while I was driving home and I had to explain to HER why I'd been gone that morning, and when I got to the eyelids tingling (they were itching by now!) she was like, "Should you even be driving?"


Which I guess is not particularly reassuring.

But it was true.

My temporary cap is doing swell. I can still feel the four holes in my gums.

And my brain is fine.

But as nice as my dentist was, I don't look forward to getting the temporary removed and the permanent one set up.

Like I said--my face may have been a bit droopy but my brain is fine!

Ten Signs I'm Getting Older

Yes, yes, I know I passed the big 50 last year, but it hadn't really set in, you know? I mean, I'm still young, right? Chicken says I seem younger than I am--I always thought that was the benefit of natural immaturity. 

But it seems age has snuck up on me with all the grace of a clumsy ninja on cold medication. Yeah, I may be young at HEART but you can't stop Father Time.

Ten signs I'm getting older.

10. I'm wearing slippers. I used to be "Barefoot Girl" from Bruce Springsteen's "Jungleland" and now my toes ache in the rain.

9.  Me and my daughters got the same hair cut. On the girls it looks "adorable" and "art deco" and on me, it looks "crazy cat lady".

8. Every time I get up from my booty-eating chair I say, "Oh everything hurts!"

7. Tyler Hoechlin came on Match Game tonight and I said--I shit you not, "Oh, isn't he a good looking boy!"

6. I was afraid to use the "personal hot spot" on my phone tonight while I was using my iPad in case I "used it all up."

5. I pulled a ginormous traffic boner tonight and my only excuse was, "Oh, that car was there?"

4. On the way to dance tonight I regaled my children with stories of--wait for it--high school marching band.

3. I realized that the old cynical bad father figure from S.E.A.L. Team is actually Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders--which I saw on VHS.

2. The entire soundtrack to Bumblebee was emotionally relevant to me.

1. I had an entire conversation in the pool with someone about our adult children getting on health care and how relieved we were, and we were THE YOUNGEST PEOPLE THERE. 

I mean, folks? I knew the age thing coming--I just didn't think it had already hit.

The good news?

Mate was watching a commercial about beauty products, featuring a very smug woman with silver hair smiling at herself in the mirror.

At the end of the commercial he said, "You know, the only way to not get any wrinkles is to never have any expression!"

"So the reason my eyes droop like a Bassett Hound's is that I have expressive eyes?"

"I like your eyes."

So there you go. Maybe--just maybe--a few wrinkles are worth it. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

A Good Change

So, some of you know that I started blogging long before I started blogging.

Part of it was when Mate was working and going to school and I was alone with Big T and Chicken when they were in diapers. I would save up kid stories to tell him on his one day off, so he wouldn't feel like he was missing too much.

The other part was teaching. We were encouraged to tell kids about ourselves, to humanize ourselves. "Yes, I have a family and a husband and you'll hear me tell kid stories--I try to make them fun."

So when I started blogging, even though it was supposed to be about knitting or writing or whatever, I also told kid stories--and every now and then one of you tells me that the family stories mean more to them than I ever imagined. (Which is why I keep telling them, honestly, even though the blog is pretty passe as a marketing tool atm.)

My students told me the same thing. Having a teacher who talked to them as someone with experience in a family made them feel more comfortable about their OWN families--even if sometimes they were dysfunctional.

We were supposed to be role models and authority figures and accessible all in one.

Unless of course we were gay.

Because if a teacher told students he or she was gay, then the administration could use that as a tool to keep them from getting tenure and everybody knew it. (I didn't. Seriously. It's one of the things I had to open my eyes to, because I didn't realize the world was THAT STUPID. But I did learn. *sigh*)

My daughter came home today all excited about a new teacher. The old one got fired for being a racist douche and not that I'm glad she was a racist douche but I was glad to hear she wasn't allowed to be one.

The new one is nice and fun and has a lot of good energy and does standup in her spare time.

And has a wife.

And that was okay.

The kids were fine with it. The teachers wear little rainbows on their nametags to tell the students that they're LGBTQ friendly and the kids can confide in them and they're safe. This teacher was just doing what the other teachers do--share details about their lives so the students know they're interacting with human beings.

Eight and a half years ago I was pulled out of my classroom for giving kids a book that said romance was just fine for gay kids.

Is everything perfect? No. Can there be positive change? ALWAYS.

But I'm pretty sure that the same thing that happened to me eight years ago wouldn't happen to another teacher like me now.

And this makes me really happy.

It seems I've spent the past twelve years blogging looking for a reason to have faith in the world. Sometimes it was betrayed and sometimes it was rewarded and sometimes it was renewed.

This teacher may never know it, because my kids don't talk much about me and what I do for a living, but I'd like to thank her for teaching and fighting the good fight and being a human and an authority figure all rolled into one.

And for giving my faith a win.

Monday, January 7, 2019

Kermit Flail-- HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!


Whew! I mean WOW!

It has been some holiday season!

And the NewYear is shaping up to be positively sizzling in the romance department--I mean this lineup is TRULY amazing!

First up is the STUNNING, LOVELY, and HILARIOUS Ms. E.J. Russell, with my favorite motif-- the demon with a heart of gold!  She leads us off this month with her Dreamspun Beyond story, Devouring Flame!

Devouring Flame (Dreamspun Beyond #35)
An Enchanted Occasions story

by E.J. Russell

Reunited and reignited.

While cutting through the Interstices—the post-creation gap between realms—Smith, half-demon tech specialist for Enchanted Occasions Event Planning, spies the person he yearns for daily but dreads seeing again: the ifrit, Hashim of the Windrider clan.

On their one literally smoldering night together, Smith, stupidly besotted, revealed his true name—a demon’s greatest vulnerability. When Hashim didn’t return the favor, then split the next morning with no word? Message received, loud and clear: Thanks but no, thanks.

Although Hashim had burned to return Smith’s trust, it was impossible. The wizard who conjured him holds his true name in secret, and unless Hashim discovers it, he’ll never be free.

When their attraction sparks once more, the two unite to search for Hashim’s hidden name—which would be a hell of a lot easier if they didn’t have to contend with a convention full of food-crazed vampires on the one day out of the century they can consume something other than blood.

But if they fail, Hashim will be doomed to eternal slavery, and their reignited love will collapse in the ashes.

Luckily Smith is the guy who gets shit done. And Hashim is never afraid to heat things up.

Buy Here

Next up is August Li, who is known for his complex and lyrical fantasy novels, and, of course, his stunning covers. (Also, for being kind and funny, whenever I've seen him at conferences--and for doodling the most magical things, and then letting me gush over his doodles until he just gives me one. Okay, maybe that's just me ;-)  Anyway, August's next offering is Nomad's Dream, and it does look dreamy indeed.

Nomad's Dream

by August Li

Two men, each with a hidden destiny. Can they defeat a web of deceit and dark magic to ensure their fates intertwine?

Bedouin Isra al-Grayjaab’s dreams lead him to Janan, an amnesiac beggar on the street of Qena—one who steals his heart and starts him on a seemingly hopeless quest. With only their wits, Isra’s knowledge of the desert’s secrets, and the aid of a mercurial djinn, they must recover Janan’s past. But neither can predict his true identity or the lengths others will go to see that his mind remains broken and his true power out of his reach.

In a sweeping romantic adventure that takes them across the Eastern Desert to the modern streets of Cairo and on to the luxurious Red Sea Coast, Janan and Isra seek a truth that will either bring them into each other’s arms or tear them apart forever.

Buy at Dreamspinner

Second chance at love stories are the ultimate in hope--and nobody does hope better than L.A. Witt. She's known for her gritty heroes and her real life choices--and for her happy endings. Is It Over Yet looks like L.A. Witt at her best--and most heartbreaking--and dammit, Lori, we'd better have happy at the end!

Is It Over Yet

by L.A. Witt

Rhys Powell and Derek Scott are divorcing. Mistakes have been made, lines have been crossed, and there’s no going back. Both men are exhausted and ready to move on.

But their daughter is getting married soon. In the name of not putting a damper on her wedding, Derek and Rhys agree to keep the divorce on the down-low and show up as the happy couple everyone still believes they are.

And between a roller coaster of a road trip and the love and joy surrounding the wedding… Derek and Rhys just might remember why they fell for each other in the first place.

Are they only kidding themselves? Or can a rekindled spark really light the way to forgiveness?

This novel is approximately 59,500 words long.

Parker Williams is an enthusiastic, whimsical, slightly naughty presence in social media--and a truly good friend in any context. I look forward to his cheerfully wicked teasing--and the chance to sing his talent to the skies was simply too delicious. The Spirit Key is dark urban fantasy--and it looks amazing! And, knowing Parker, I'm sure there's some deliciousness in there as well--he can't deny it. It's just his nature.

The Spirit Key

by Parker Williams

Lock and Key: Book One
When he was eight years old, Scott Fogel died. Paramedics revived him, but he came back changed. Ghosts and spirits tormented Scott for over a decade until, thinking he was going mad, he did the only thing he could.
He ran—leaving behind his best friend, Tim Jennesee.
Scott’s had five normal, ghost-free years in Chicago, when the spirit of Tim’s mother comes to him and begs him to go home because Tim’s in trouble and needs him.
He isn’t prepared for what he finds when he goes home—a taller and sexier Tim, but a Tim who hasn’t forgiven Scott for abandoning him… a Tim whose body is no longer his own. The ghost of a serial murderer has attached itself to Tim, and it’s whispering dark and evil things. It wants Tim to kill, and it’s becoming harder for Tim to resist. To free the man who has always meant so much to him, Scott must unravel the mystery of the destiny he shares with Tim.

T.N. Tarrant has some high fantasy here that looks stunning and original--and romantic. *clutches hands to chest* That's my favorite kind! With a lovely cover and an "us against the world" storyline, how can you lose? Please check out Killian, Whispers from a Hidden World, Book 1!

Killian (Whispers from a Hidden World, Book 1)

Regent Killian Larrestes survived a harrowing attack and the betrayal of his family by his mother, and has since worked to help them all recover, learning the complexities of protecting and commanding a large, sprawling Clan.

Shiloh Zahirris is seeking Sanctuary from a marriage he doesn't want when he ends up under the protection of Killian Larrestes. Killian takes him in, and they find themselves falling in love. But will social objections, personal insecurities, and someone seeking revenge destroy their chance at happiness?

by T.N. Tarrant

Ah, the lovely, the fluffy, the exciting, the escapable Dreamspun Desire!  Where fantasies come true, right? Well an athlete and an aristocrat in Paris is certainly fantastic, and Louisa Masters looks to have done her genre proud!  Also, check out the new cover design--Louisa's hero looks doubly dreamy, right?  Come check out The Athlete and the Aristocrat by Louisa Masters!

The Athlete and The Aristocrat

by Louisa Masters

Sometimes love takes balls.
Newly retired championship footballer Simon Wood is taking on his next challenge. His plan for a charity to provide funding for underprivileged children to pursue football as a career has passed its first hurdle: he has backers and an executive consultant. Now it’s time to get the ball rolling.
Lucien Morel, heir to the multibillion-euro Morel Corporation, is shocked—and thrilled—to learn his father has volunteered him as consultant to a fledgling football charity. Better yet, the brains behind it all is heartthrob Simon Wood, his teenage idol and crush.
Although Simon and Lucien get off on the wrong foot, it’s not long before they’re getting along like a house on fire—sparks included. But with the charity under public scrutiny, can their romance thrive?

Roe Horvat is quickly making a name for himself as a writer of engaging, heartfelt drama--and The Other Book has all the earmarks of a romance that might bring you to a couple of tears. The good kind of tears-- the ones brought about by frozen hearts thawing in the heat of blazing hot sex. I mean, if that doesn't make you want to read, nothing will!

The Other Book
Roe Horvat
It was supposed to be just sex... Famous last words.
Tyler doesn't overthink pleasure and avoids complications. He knows it might be stupid to get involved with his closeted boss, but the temptation is too great. At first, the cold and beautiful Joel Sandstrom seems to loathe Tyler's guts.
Except one late night at the office, his reasons become clear...and his control breaks.
Every time they touch, Joel's stony face comes alive, harsh lines smooth out, and for a minute, he looks serene. Happy, even. Just sex - dirty, intense, spectacular sex.
During their covert encounters, Tyler discovers the power he has over the lonesome man, and it's a heady feeling. What if he could set Joel free and give him peace of mind? When Tyler realizes how much Joel needs him, he doesn't regret breaking his own rules.
Gay erotic romance. Contains explicit scenes and sexual interactions between more than two partners. For adult readers only.

Racing into Love is brought to us by newcomer Noah Steel features a daring racer and a quiet bookseller--and the end of a dating rut that will start your heart! Come check Noah's debut, the first in a series--it looks like a winner!

Racing into Love

by Noah Steele

Aiden Reed is stuck in a major boy rut.

Every date ends in something worse than disaster—boredom. 

That is, until star racer Derrek Luna crashes the end of a terrible date at Aiden’s cozy bookstore. Derrek’s confident charm and killer good looks throw Aiden’s quiet, cautious world into chaos when he says he wants a shot at Aiden’s heart.
Derrek is sure Aiden is different. He’s sure Aiden won’t just vanish without a word. Not like the others did. But the closer Derrek gets to the man who charmed him without a word from across a crowded room, the more his life on the track threatens to keep them apart.
Aiden is ready to take the risk—he thinks. 
What if Aiden’s panic attacks scare Derrek away? 
What if Derrek’s ghosts come back to haunt him? 
…what if it doesn’t matter because they’re already in love?
Racing into Love is an instalove romantic drama ready and waiting to take you from zero to sixty with every turn of the page.

This next debut writer is a regular on my FaceBook group! She's been working hard on craft and marketing these last few years and watching her take this dream and stick to it has been a lovely, wonderful thing. Please say hello to Joy Rose, and her angsty rent boy story, Want!


by Joy Rose

Although college life was over the learning curve still existed for Jason Stephens. Naive and young, Jason and his best friend Ethan Rosen owned and operated Love Inc., a high-class male escort agency in New York City. While Ethan ran the day to day, Jason was an escort—his androgynous, angel like beauty afforded him this opportunity. However, Jason or Jace for short wanted out in a bad way, Ethan wanted him to stay and keep at it. The money was good, and those student loans and his apartment would not pay for themselves.

A chance encounter at the laundry mat has Jason dreaming of an ordinary life with possibly the man of his dreams. Damien Prescott was that man or so Jason hoped. Damien was British and refined, a perfect gentleman and he smelled so good he just had to be gay according to Jason. Apartment info is inadvertently exchanged much to Jason’s horror. What if this guy was a masked murderer or rapist? Jason’s past abuse at the hands of clients and his own parents forced him to form negative opinions regarding anyone that showed him the least bit of positive interest. Then there was Ethan his bestie and soulmate. Their relationship consisted of comfort sex and comfort eating, not exactly in that order. Five years strong and still kicking, why couldn’t they ever get serious enough to at least play house together?

Buy at Amazon 

My January release is sort of a Rerelease. I wrote Regret Me Not as a novella--and the shape of it was perfect, and it had a "ride into the sunset" sort of ending I always wanted to end a book with. 
Except, me being me, I wanted to know what happened in the sunset.

So I wrote (on this very blog) the extras for Regret Me Not-- and Dreamspinner put them into paperback. And I'm so excited to have them for you!  Come see Hal and Pierce's ride into the sunset, as the unicorns they are.
Regret Me Not (Paperback)
by Amy Lane

Pierce Atwater used to think he was a knight in shining armor, but then his life fell to crap. Now he has no job, no wife, no life—and is so full of self-pity he can’t even be decent to the one family member he’s still speaking to. He heads for Florida, where he’s got a month to pull his head out of his ass before he ruins his little sister’s Christmas.

Harold Justice Lombard the Fifth is at his own crossroads—he can keep being Hal, massage therapist in training, flamboyant and irrepressible to the bones, or he can let his parents rule his life. Hal takes one look at Pierce and decides they’re fellow unicorns out to make the world a better place. Pierce can’t reject Hal’s overtures of friendship, in spite of his misgivings about being too old and too pissed off to make a good friend.

As they experience everything from existential Looney Tunes to eternal trips to Target, Pierce becomes more dependent on Hal’s optimism to get him through the day. When Hal starts getting him through the nights too, Pierce must look inside for the knight he used to be—before Christmas becomes a doomsday deadline of heartbreak instead of a celebration of love.

New novella Pierce and Hal's Road Trip is exclusively sold at Dreamspinner in this print edition!


Hey all! I've got some stuff out at Prolific Works,  which is a place to put free stuff, and I thought I'd share.

In December I added A Gentle Shove of Human Kindness, which used to be in the Grand Adventures anthology, but it was taken out of print. It's a short, sweet little piece, and I hope you enjoy it!
I also added the extras to Beneath the Stain.   These were originally released with the book as extra content to the serial edition, and once the book did so well, people wanted to read them!  Dreamspinner authorized me to release them now, as sort of a prelude to Paint It Black, which should be out in August. (Let's just say that Paint it Black will make a lot more sense if you read the extras!)

Friday, January 4, 2019

SuperBat--Batman's Hot Cousin Part 2

So, it's the lazy part of winter break, where the kids play all the games and chill all they want, and I go out of my mind because there is SOMEBODY THERE all the time.

Mate and I are going on a date tomorrow night--that's exciting.

Anyway-- it's time for some SuperBat--and I feel dumb because I have written some SUPERHOT sex in my fanfic before on this blog, but there's going to be girl parts here.

Most of my readers will deal, I know, but... *rolls eyes*  Here's your warning. Imminent vagina.

Anyway-- enjoy the hot girl sex and some angst.


Batman's Hot Cousin, Part 2

If Bruce had ever thought about it, he would have assumed there would be something different while kissing someone as a woman instead of a man. There was certainly something different about kissing a man or kissing a woman--but Clark's mouth felt the same as it always had.

Hard, demanding, tender, responsive.

Bruce pushed the kiss like he ordinarily would and twined his arms around Clark's neck, only a little frustrated because he felt so... so delicate.

He was still strong, still muscular, but the manhandling he usually indulged in because Clark could take it didn't feel appropriate. And then Clark reached gently for his breast and massaged, thumb on the nipple in the classic "boobs are good" maneuver.

Bruce's nether-parts gave a tremendous throb and he let out an audible gasp.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt?"

Clark pulled his hand away and Bruce grabbed it back. "That was great. Don't stop." It came out as a command, in his flinty Batman voice, but about two octave's higher and sort of whiskey soaked.

Clark's eyes all but rolled back in his head and he lowered his mouth to the edge of Bruce's tightly-clenched towel.


"You thought that felt good..." Clark said, lips quirking like he was battling a smile.

Bruce moaned and gave up the towel, and there they were, boobs, and a slender waist and lush hips and plump, muscular thighs.

"Damn," Clark said, pulling back and smiling slightly. "Bruce, my beloved, my man, you are built like a brick shithouse!"

"I'm a horny brick shithouse!" Bruce complained. "Now do that thing... that  thing with your mouth you just promised! I need to not feel like this so I can think!"

Clark laughed throatily, and Bruce's uterus practically caught fire. "You can think fine when you're horny," he said before licking a circle around Bruce's aureola. "You do it all the time. You once ordered an op when I was balls-deep in your ass!"

Bruce moaned, the thought turning him on far more than it should--and damn Diana for making an off-coms override for emergencies.

"But I know how those parts feel!" he panted. Clark closed his mouth over the whole pink-tipped sugar mountain and it was all he could do not to squeal. "Right now everything is a surprise--flick your tongue! God yes, like that! No, don't stop--yes!"

An earthquake went off in his lower parts. That was the only way he could think of it--everything below his navel clenched and quivered and practically pranced with joy.

Without thinking about it, Bruce leaned back and pulled his feet up to the edge of the infirmary bed, opening up the whole area to exploration.

Clark chuckled. "God, this is fun."

"My... my... oh my God I don't even know what to call it anymore! It's on fire!"

Clark laughed some more and Bruce could swear his uterus exploded.

"Jesus--lick that or something!" he begged.

"You know, it is your pudendum. You can call it anything you want!"

Except he couldn't, could he? He was still a man underneath that glistening labia. He still didn't have the right to claim that naughty word, even for erotic use, did he?"

Confusion swirled around his brain and then Clark very carefully swiped his tiny erotic button with a rough tongue and confusion went to fuck itself because Bruce was in need.

"OH dear God fuck that thing!"

But Clark just licked again, this time the aching area between his spread lips, and he must like doing this for women as much as he loved doing it for Bruce because he buried his face in there and really went to town.

Bruce lost time.

He was wandering in a sexual havoc, Clark's tongue, his fingers, his surprising expertise sending him into the stratosphere, so high, so intensely, that he barely noticed the two fingers of intrusion until the faint twinge of pain.


Clark gave him a heated glance over his new playground body. "Sorry sweetheart--it appears you have a hymen."

Bruce wiggled his hips, impaled on Clark's fingers, and pushed down. Another twinge of pain, but he didn't care. He wiggled some more and Clark spread them and stretched him a little and the pain bit a little bit deeper, and then faded.

"Not anymore," Bruce panted. "Fuck me."

"One more minute."

Clark's tongue on his clitoris was no joke and Bruce didn't even have a brain cell to question it. The two fingers inside him were wonderful--but not enough, not when Bruce knew what would fit perfectly in there, and then, oh God, one gentle, tentative finger, slick with juices he didn't ordinarily have, knocked on his back door.

This time the orgasm was enough to make him scream.

Clark lunged up over his body, driving inside of him and claiming his mouth at the same time.

For a moment, Bruce was caught up in sharing girl juices with his male lover--his taste on Clark's mouth, different, sweeter, ear-to-ear--and then he realized oh my God where is his penis and oh wow it really fuckin' fits there doesn't it!

He wrapped his legs around Clark's hips and screamed. "Don't! Stop! Don't! Stop! Don't! Ever! Fucking! Stop!"

Clark drove into him so hard Bruce could swear he tasted cum in the back of his throat, and then, oh dear lord, the big one, the 10 on the  Richter scale, the orgasm that split the foundations of the world, washed over him, clenching around Clark and taking them both over.

The infirmary table gave out underneath them and collapsed in a puddle of useless chrome with a mercilessly uncomfortable mattress.

And Clark was still buried inside him, hot and pulsing and amazing.

"Can you," Clark panted, collapsed on top of him, "think any better now?"

Bruce chuckled, and then chilled. Clark inside him felt right--but everything else felt... empty. He closed his eyes and ran his hands along Clark's familiar muscles, along his back, down his spine, at the same time feeling his breasts squashed under Clark's chest, his vagina parted and welcoming--when usually it would be a penis, thrusting and deflating. The aftermath to sex felt much the same--except for the loneliness that swamped him.

And, oh fuck, fucking estrogen levels, rising.

His eyes burned.

"It was wonderful," he whispered. "You were exactly right. You feel exactly right. I wouldn't have you any other way."

"Sh." Clark kissed his temple, where the first tear slid. "I may feel right. But you don't."

"That was amazing," Bruce said, trying to make it clear. He'd wanted it--wanted everything they'd done. Would want it again, and again--although hopefully now that he knew how it felt, it wouldn't consume his brain. Diana and Barbara and the other women functioned perfectly well with bodies like this--he was pretty sure it was just the newness that had overwhelmed him.

"But it wasn't you," Clark clarified.

And the tears wouldn't stop. "I want my body back," he said, feeling foolish. " feel great, and the sex was awesome but it wasn't me."

"Or not the you you're happy with," Clark said, kissing his temple. "Believe me, Bruce. I knew exactly who I was fucking. It wouldn't matter what the parts were--I'd know who you were in the dark. But it's not my body we're talking about. It's yours. Now that we're both thinking again, tell me about the rest of it."

Clark rolled off him and grabbed a blanket from the bottom of the broken bed. He pulled it up over both of them and Bruce rested his head on Clark's chest, bitterly aware that they often traded back and forth, who spooned whom.

And then he told Clark about the virus that infected his chromosome, and how he could stay a woman forever, probably, and be fine, or he could not re-infect himself and maybe die and maybe go back to being the person he'd worked so hard to be.

"So," Clark said, and now his eyes were red-rimmed and his voice was raw. "You'd really rather die?"

Bruce was pretty sure the tears now weren't just a matter of estrogen. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But yes. Oh God. I want myself back. I want you to hold me as I am."

Clark nodded without words and held him tighter, and Bruce sobbed into his chest.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

SuperBat--Batman's Hot Cousin

I hope you all had a Happy New Year!

Ours was simple-- ZoomBoy went to a friends and Squish stayed with Mate and I, watched comforting television, drank sparkling cider, and watched the ball drop. Happy New Year!

But sometimes, having an uneventful holiday is the best thing in the world--and in this case, I had enough time to look at Pinterest, and saw a fan-art picture for this stunning plot bunny.

The picture was Superman, holding a female Batman. What if Bruce Wayne was female?

Well, I could either do this AU--but I sort of like my Batman with a penis--or I could do it IU, and figure out what he'd do if he were, temporarily, without one.

Warning-- this is gonna be hella sexual and there's girl parts. Hide your eyes now if that's a problem, cause I'm goin' in!

Batman's Hot Cousin

The change was in the DNA-- they figured that out--and it was degrading, which was a relief. This mishegas, no matter how upsetting, really was only temporary. A couple of weeks, a month at the most, and a night of sweating, fever, some complications, and then everything would be normal.

Oh how Clark prayed for normal.

He hadn't even been there when it happened--he'd been handling a Luthor-corp reactor meltdown when he got the call from Diana.

"Clark? What's your status?"

"70% contained. I can't leave yet."

"Roger that. Let us know if you need help, and let us know when things are 100%."

Superman didn't stop this heat-gaze arc-welding, but he did detect a slight uncertainty in Diana's voice. "Diana? Is there something I should know?"

A slight hesitation. "Yes, but it is nothing--believe me--nothing that won't wait until you're done."

Uh-oh. "Bruce? Bruce, are you on com?" Arc-weld, arc-weld, arc-weld--oh! Hey! There was Metallo, Luthor's poor deluded machine, jumping in to help. Apparently nuclear detonation was bad for everybody, right?

"He's fine, Master Clark," Alfred said, and only years of discipline kept Clark from widening his eyes and searing a hole through a melting down nuclear reactor.

"Alfred, where are you?"

"Back at the mansion, with Master Bruce. Please don't concern yourself. It just needs a bit of explaining, that's--"

"I'm fine." It was a woman's voice.

Superman took two deep breaths and didn't stop arc-welding. "Who the fuck are--"

"Everybody off coms," said the woman, and there was a decided chorus of moans as the buzzing in his ear shut down.

"Who are you--"

"Clark are you going to die if we surprise you?"

Clark took a look at the reactor. 80% done. "No, but I'm still needed on site." Whoever this is, she knew her priorities.

"Then we will solve the mystery as soon as you're done. Fly to the mansion, ignore Diana, and you and Bruce can talk."

"Yes ma'am--how should I address--"

"Over and out."

Who in the fuck was on the com?

* * *

Bruce grunted and activated everybody else on his com. "You had to do that while he was working?" he demanded, and for once Diana sounded sheepish.

"Bruce, you have to admit, it's imp--"

"Am I dead?"

And now she sounded ashamed. "No."

"Am I mortally wounded, with only moments to live?"


"Am I in any sort of situation in which seeing me right now can fix anything?"

"No, Bruce. You're right. We're sorry."

"I know this is hysterical--"  In the background he heard Hal and Barry snicker. "Yes, guys. It's hilarious and fuck off. But it's not... life threatening. Please remember that when you want to dick with him, okay?"

"Yes, Bruce," she said, unusually humble. "It... it felt like an emergency."

Bruce looked down at himself as he sat on the exam table, a bath towel pulled tightly around his chest. "It's not an emergency. It's not a bomb. It's not the end of the world. Jesus, Diana--they're tits. You've got a pair and we're all fine with that." He accidentally brushed a nipple and a major sexual shockwave coursed through his body. "It's just going to take some getting used to," he muttered. "How long did you say I have again?"

"Probably a month. Can you handle things at Wayne Industries?"

Bruce pulled out his palm unit and scanned his fingerprints, palm prints, and eyeball, just to make sure. "Yes. I've got breasts and a vagina, but my identity is intact. I'm just..." He studied his profile in the mirror in the infirmary, noting the thinner chin, the slender neck, the gamine features underneath his standard short haircut. "Darned fetching," he said grimly. Female Bruce looked to be in her late thirties--elegant, and probably stunning in evening wear, not that she'd ever be out in public.

Male Bruce was not particularly attracted to her--but then, he didn't like his masculine features either.  Clark's wide-eyed farm boy looks were more his style.

Diana's laughter on the other end of the com was actually a relief. "If you don't send me a picture I'm doing to die of curiosity," she confessed, and Bruce was not immune to humor.

He sent her a selfie. "If I see that anywhere but your com, I'm sabotaging your jet," he promised direly, but it was too late.

"Hello, pretty lady!" Hal whistled. "What do you think, Bar?"

"She's a little old for me, but very nice."

"You think you can outrun me but you can't," Bruce threatened, and Diana laughed.

"And he definitely can't outrun me. Be respectful, youngster."

"Fine, fine. I'm going to go look at my girlfriend who is my age." The other voices faded and it was just Diana again.

"He's almost done with his assignment," she said quietly. "Look-- I get what you said. Not life threatening. But your relationship has had tremendous ripples to the Justice League in the past. Many of them good, but not all. This--this isn't going to be easy on you two."

"He's a big boy," Bruce said, not wanting her to worry. "I mean... a month. I'll have my own body in a month, right?"

Her hesitation was not promising. "This thing the Joker did--it looks like you inhaled a virus that altered your chromosomal DNA. Bruce, if you recover from this--when you recover from this--it's going to work like you're withdrawing from a drug that's been keeping you alive. You might die in recovery, do you understand that?"

Bruce grunted. "I have better than even chances of not," he told her. "And we'll cross that bridge when--"

"I can replicate the virus," she told him bluntly. "I'm not so sure about a cure."

"So... you can keep me a woman--and healthy--for the rest of my life but you can't change me back?"

She let out a breath. "That might be the shape of things."

Unbidden, Bruce raised a hand to cup his breast, rubbing his thumb experimentally across the nipple again. Wowza. "Well, not that it's not a nice shape," he said, "but I'm pretty sure I want my old one back."

"I'll look into it. We've got some time before the virus degrades so much that you have no choice. In the meantime--"

"Shit!" They both said together.

"He's on his way!" she told him frantically.

"He's here," Bruce said, grimacing under Clark's exasperated glare. "Batman out."

"What in the actual hell?" Clark was jus staring at him as he hovered, his farm-boy blue eyes bigger than should be legal.

"I'm sorry she panicked you." Bruce clenched the towel around his breasts tighter. "I... I went running through a chemical plant--there was a blue cloud, I made the mistake and breathed in. When I came to..."  Well, Nightwing and Batgirl had been standing over him, breathers in place, asking him what the hell he'd been thinking.

And he'd been down with cramps and nausea for the rest of the morning, which was a good thing, because listening to Dick's bitching in peak condition might have prompted him to fratricide.

Finally, after a final bout of vomiting, he'd awakened with only Barbara in attendance, and she was drawing blood and having a freaked out conversation with Diana and Bruce was in one of her old nightgowns from back in the day when they'd shared a bed.


He'd come down to the control center for more tests and then Diana had tried that ill-advised contact. Looking at Clark now, he was guiltily glad that the poor man had gotten some warning.

"This... this... what are we supposed to do with this?" His arms were flailing and Bruce smiled a little.

"I... I mean, you like women, right?"

"But you're not one!"

"Well I'm still me!" Bruce felt absurdly hurt. "What--you're suddenly going to move out now and move back in when I've got my own dick?"

"Were you fucking me with someone else's?"

Augh! "No! I was just... you don't have to look at me like I have the plague! It's just... breasts! Tits! Vagina! It's not a bomb!"

Clark's lips quirked, and Bruce glared at him. "I don't know. I, uh, haven't been there yet. Maybe it will make me explode?"

Bruce buried his face in his hands and laughed and cried at the same time. What in the hell-- what in the actual hell were they supposed to do with this? Jesus, he wasn't even him--

Clark's hands on his pulled him from the brink of hysteria. "Bruce?"


"You're a very pretty girl."

"Fuck off."

"Well, maybe we should get to know each other first."

"We do know each other! We've been living together for two years and flirting for ten years and--"

Clark's mouth on his took his breath away--and pulled his brain out of the death spiral of gender and confusion and all of the freaking out he'd been trying not to do because--as he firmly believed--having tits was not the end of the  fucking world!

Clark pulled away and Bruce realized that his.... his nether-regions ached. The ache was familiar--the location was... not.

"What?" Clark asked.

"My... uh..." Bruce wiggled his bottom. "I'm wet," he said baldly. "That's... that's unusual and now I'm confused. And horny. And you're wearing your uniform and... I mean, not that I haven't noticed it before, but... you look really good in your uniform and--"

"And you'd like to know how I look out of it?" Clark said, a gentle smile on his face.

"This is not the time!" Bruce wailed, and then covered his face again.

"Why--what else do we do at the end of the day?"

"Well, usually I top," Bruce said bitterly.

Clark's smile went wicked. "Maybe not this time."

Bruce let out a sigh. "Diana," he said, tapping his ear. "I do believe we need to go off-coms."

"Try not to let your vagina blow up the Justice League," Diana said dryly.

"I make no promises."  Because his unfamiliar nether-regions were... were hot and achy and needy, and Clark Kent was stripping off his uniform while still in mid-air, and...

And just like when he had a penis, his mouth was dry and his brain was toast and the world was screaming madly to a halt.

"Good boy," Diana said softly, and the com in his ear went dead.

Clark glided over to where he was sitting, six-feet-plus of naked floating alien, looking at Bruce with such compassion, Bruce's exploding lady parts turned to melted wax.

"This," he said, his breath and heartbeat unsteady, "is going to be very interesting."

"God, I hope so," Clark said. "For however long it lasts."

* * *

Okay-- full on sexy times tomorrow. I hope you enjoy!