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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Fucking Dragons

A note or two about this post.

See, the incident happened last night, as we were driving back from San Diego--and I thought it was hilarious, of course, there may have been extenuating circumstances, but we'll get to that.

So anyway, I was lying in my own bed, (yay!) and the dog was licking his balls, and it was keeping me awake.  Both the dog and the ball licking-- so there I was, lying in bed like this: 0.0, thinking about how I have to leave again in two days time, and the dog is never going to forgive me.  Not only that, but thinking that I have to, among other things too numerous to mention, go get the dog flea treatment because I don't think he started out licking his balls, if you know what I mean.

So I decide to get up and write this story-- maybe, I get some writing out of my system, and I'll be able to go back to sleep.  But I want a picture for it, right?

And, for reasons--again-- you'll see shortly, I decide to google "vibrating eyeballs".  For the record, don't ever do that.


Because apparently if you have your filters off, vibrating anything can only lead to porn.  Serious, hardcore porn.

I was not aware, and that's saying something.

So, okay, wasn't thinking about sex but now I am and unfortunately not the hot kind or even the healthy kind, because HELLO internet, but now I still need that picture.

So I google "eyeballs."  For the record?  Don't ever do that.


So now, I'm like THIS:


And I still haven't told my story. 

And I'm definitely not ready to go back to sleep.  So I find the picture of the cat tripping on LSD because it's one of my favorites and very appropriate, and now, faintly traumatized, I'm ready to tell my story!

So, did ya wanna hear the story?  

Okay-- so here's the story:

So, you know those MiO drink supplements?  (And, for the record, if you're going to google "MiO" make sure you spell it right.  There's apparently a Japanese porn star named Miyo.  She, uhm, does things.  Many, many things.) 

Anyway, so, on the way back from San Diego, it was my turn to drive.  Mate usually does all the driving, and I was a little sleepy-- long trip--so I was like, "I'm gonna need sugar and energy, yo!"  So, the MiO energy booster stuff, we had it.  I added lots of it to 2 liters of water.  And then another 16 oz bottle.  

And about an hour and a half later, I had to pee. 

I realized I had a slight… wobble to my extremities as I ran to the bathroom and back to the car.  A rather excited wobble, as though I had not done nearly enough jumping jacks and laps around the Chevron station in the past hour or so, and I had to get right on that.

"Mate," I said, pulling out of the pitstop to the left of middle of nowhere and back onto I-5, which is the middle of nowhere, "Exactly what was in that energy booster I just drank copious amounts of?"

He looked at the label.  "Uhm, potassium, ginseng, some B complex vitamins--"

"And that's it?"

"And caffeine.  Loads and frickin' loads of caffeine!  Why?  Are your eyeballs vibrating?"

"I can see sound!" I crowed manically.  I giggled too.  Probably not reassuring in your driver, now that I think of it.  

"It's got 60 ml caffeine per serving-- you must have had about ten servings in all that water!"

"WHHEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!  Get outta my way people, mama's gotta pee again!"

"It says energy booster-- what did you think was in it?"

"I had money down with myself that it was at least three parts cocaine!"

"Let me know when the crash hits--I'm gonna wanna drive."

"Oh yeah.  Will definitely do that."

And, sure enough, when the crash hit-- at a Carl's Jr. in Patterson--I practically face-planted in my fish tacos.  

But in the meantime, man what a ride!

So, now you see why I wanted the vibrating eyeballs.  *sigh*  It would be so much less traumatic if the internet could read my mind!

Thursday, April 17, 2014


Okay all--it's been a busy few days.  I've tried to blog, but, well, I'm trying out the little tablet computer--and I have to say, as a workhorse, it sort of fails, although it is portable as hell.
Anyway-- between Balboa Park and the San Diego Zoo and a day spent just getting lunch and yarn and swimming in the resort pool (and that last one seems to be what the kids think we came for!) I have some pictures, and some snarky captions to share. 
Now, for those of you who follow me on Twitter, you may recognize the snarky captions.  But some of them are missing, and I'm tired and the internet is being stubborn, so I'm going to blame the tablet thingy whether it's the tablet thingy's fault or not.
But while I'm cursing the tablet thingy's shortcomings, here's some pictures of my week:-)
Yeah, I look like a sleepy hippopotamus, but remember the last zoo?  I am BAD ASS.

The ass of a chillaxing polar bear.  Carry on, puny ozone destroyers, carry the fuck on.

Seriously, seven hours at the zoo?  Where's the frickin' POOL?
Post-coital bonobos. Because Goddess was merciful and we caught them 10 minutes after the great bonobo orgy.

Have you ever waited for a lunar eclipse while watching Singing in the Rain?  Well, now I have too.
If you think he looks surprised, wait until you see his sister.

And if you think her brother looked scary behind the controls of the helicopter, watch the hell out, cause she's gonna fuckin' kill us all.
Mom, this is the expression chimpanzees make when they're happy.

Folks, these are the pictures I pull out when he's driving me bugshit.

She looks so thoughtful, doesn't she?  It's amazing the depths that Judy Moody will give you.
How much wood could a wood duck fuck if a wood duck could fuck wood.

Fucking worship me, puny humans!  Bow before my greatness, or I shall stand in front of your tour bus and preen in the chrome bumper, forcing the security guard to venture forth in greatest indignity and shoo me with great weaving of arms!
Chicken has found her spirit animal.  He is the sun bear.  He naps in the sun.

Let me out, you assholes, let me ouuuuuutttttt!!! 
I picked the best souvenir from the air/space museum EVERY
 Monkeys, meet gorillas.  Yeah, there's a resemblance.

 Pretty Birdie want your fingers?  Oh, yes he does!
Okapi.  Cause they're frickin' COOL!

 I am one of a zillion birds.  What makes me special?  I POSE!

And phew!

Yes-- it's a lot.  It's so much, in fact, that although I have moar pictures to go, my baby computer is having a tantrum and not dealing with them.

That's okay. 

We go home tomorrow, and then I leave again on Monday.  More blogfodder (and, well, Easter shall provide even MOAR) is always a good thing :-)

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Songs from San Diego

Okay-- honestly, I was just thinking there are none.  Songs, that is.  But we are having some adventures, and that's always awesome.

We got in last night, after Mate did most of the driving (and I did a considerable amount of knitting) and a drop at Pea Soup Andersen's.  Now I'll be honest-- there really is only one thing to eat there: the pea soup.  Which makes it really puzzling that Zoomboy wanted to stop there AGAIN. But Mate and I enjoyed our soup, and, well, we ate ZB's untouched cheese quesadilla because we felt bad about the two times he'd sent it back.  It was Squish who noticed something, uhm, different about the rest of the clientele: "Mom--they're all old people!".

And, yes, it has become like The Nut Tree used to be-- older people who remembered the place from their childhood make it a stop between Nor Cali and SoCal. So really, unless you're there for the soup and the tchotchkes, there's no other reason to stop.  Except, well... you know.  The picture and the memories.

And today, we picked up Chicken and went to the sea.  (Where she could be Chicken of the Sea!  Heeeeeeeeee!).

We didn't spend long there-- just until ZB and Squish got cold.  Took about an hour. Then Chicken took us to Beef & Buns (where Rhys Ford had taken her) and we really loved it.  Parmesan tempura fried zucchini.  Saying.  Anyway-- we might possibly have made it to see a movie but for two things.

The first thing was that I smacked Mate's head with the Minivan hatch.  Yeah.  No shit.  Weenie move on my part-- he ducked his head in when I reached up to slam the hatch down, and, bam.  Anyway-- sometimes a big ouchie, no matter how impermanent, will make you remember things like an eleven hour trip behind the wheel the day before.  That, and Chicken actually had to do homework.  We decided lunch and grocery shopping and a trip to the beach pretty much wrapped up our ambition for the day-- we came home and napped.  Which was sort of luxurious, really.  Napping.  I mean, I'm a fan.

Anyway-- Chicken's friend Stevie is watching the animals-- she told me that the Chiwhowhat probably got a walk today with his little friend (her own dog, Gibby).  I'm happy to hear that-- it would me my little guy is having as much fun as we are :-)

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Help me Internet, you're my only hope!

So, in what is amounting to a curious scheduling clusterfuck, Mate has put a family vacation right in front of Dreamspinner's conference in Portland, and then has managed to schedule all sorts of things for him right in front of it.

Which means the last two weeks-- Squish's birthday, Chicken's visit, laundry, the house sitter, the car maintenance, the children, have all been pretty much on mom.

There would have been a time when this sort of snafu would have sent me screaming for the yarn store, but I've matured since then.

I bought shoes online instead, and had them rush delivered.  If you want to see true pornography, check my house tomorrow, when I'm slobbering over a pair of orthotic walking clogs and some flip-flops with the soles of heaven.  It won't be for the faint of heart.

Anyway, less than a week after Squish's b-day, we're leaving the house in the house sitter's capable hands (and she knows our animals, so that's nice!) and taking off for San Diego.  Where we will do somewhere between diddly and squat. I think Mate's entire focus is on a vacation where we sleep, visit the ocean, and lounge about.  We may visit the zoo.  I am a little at a loss-- who is this Mate, and what are his inner motivations?  However, since I am actually going to need to work-- I have a deadline barreling down on me like a shotgun shell--I think it sounds like a perfect compromise.  Yes, I shall be working, but I shall be working someplace after swimming in the ocean all day and eating stuff I didn't cook.  Excellent idea for a working vacation-- if I can watch the kids have fun from a warm spot on the sand, I'm in.

And as for Squish's birthday-- well, she had a lovely time.  One of the best parts, for me, was that her two big presents were an electronic game and a Hello Kitty doll.  And that she and her friends, after the novelty of the dance game on TV faded, and the electronic game went away, stayed up past midnight with dollhouses and dolls and played their little hearts out.

Because some things should never change, and 8 year old girls and dolls are one of them.  (Boys too-- yes, they're CALLED action figures and Legos, but we all know the truth-- creative play is creative play, and when it's done right, it's completely universal.)

And Zoomboy-- who is in dire trouble for State report related reasons--made us love him in spite of his delinquency by tying his jacket on as a toga and making the girls call him "Dobby".  Now see, on the one hand, that's a little creepy, but since he was fetching their water and juice and helping them dispose of their paper plates all night, I'm gonna give it a go from "creepy" to "sweet".  Cause, yanno, Dobby.

But our family is not as gregarious as some, and I have to admit, after the people went away, we were pretty happy.  We had a mostly clean house to ourselves again, and our relief knew no bounds.  The animals may appear to be the most tuckered, but don't be fooled-- Mate was vastly relieved to have all those strange people out of our house.

And then, of course, Mate went MIA immediately afterwards with a series of obligations and previously scheduled moments, and I've been typing by myself ever since.  I could be bitter, but since my next business trip is going to be made longer on purpose by a road trip (instead of a flight) and a trip to an alpaca farm with my knitting peeps, I figure I can cut him some slack.  If I can manage to finish my story and go on vacation, I'll be a happy girl, really, because a trip to the beach with my family and to Portland with my peeps?  I am spoiled indeed!

But first I have to scale the mountain of laundry, find the cat box (hidden during the party!) and go shopping for Easter (important because Zoomboy has no clothes that do not fit him like he's clubbing.)  And then I have to tell Zoomboy that no he can't read until he does his homework.  And remember that it was those words and those words alone that made me want to run away when I was ten.

And, yanno, somewhere in there research WWII, the Liberator pistol (which is just the stupidest thing I've ever heard of-- the OSS air dropped one-shot pistols into France because WHY?) and what life was like for the returning veteran in 1947.  (I suspect it was a shade less as sucktastic as it is for returning veterans now, because congress was slightly less of an ass-pickling jar of dead flies back then and actually took care of their veterans--but I digress.)  Oh-- and prepare for RT, because right now, about all I've done is order swag and cut some pictures out of magazines for my panel with Cassandra Carr, Marie Sexton, Tara Lain, and Z.A. Maxfield. Okay… I've thought about what to wear too… that's always important.  (Yes and no.  I think I'm going to have to seriously cut down on my idea of the man's T-shirt with the spiffy saying as a wardrobe staple.  Yeah, I know-- it's depressing for me too.)

And even before the laundry, I have to go Easter shopping, for serious and important chocolate bunny reasons.  And maybe nap a little cause I think I'm repeating myself.  And definitely meet Mate for lunch, because sushi.  And revel in the fact that it only took two trips to the car service and hours out of two days to make my car not frightening for the big trek across the central California desert.  And oh crap finish the baby blanket I want to have with me when I go to Portland the week after next!

And, well, apparently business as usual here-- and if the aliens aren't going to take me away, it looks like it's up to me.


Monday, April 7, 2014

*kermit flail Monday* New Releases for April

Hey all!

We've got some new and unique offerings for first Monday of the month-- some authors I haven't read, and an author that I have *blush* have!  I love that people are jumping on the bandwagon for this feature here-- and I love that I'm not just featuring romance.  Last month I was featuring a bio by Gini Koch, and this month I've got some raunchy and raw erotica-- so, you know, variety!

This week also features a new writer who also knits, as well as two anthologies.  With the two anthologies, since Grand Adventures has been so successful, I think the idea is really sort of awesome!  (I always loved anthologies myself-- it's the ADHD-- little baby fics satisfy my buzzing brain.)

 And, well, this week features my own releases, which, granted, are on May 2nd, but since the first Monday in May isn't until the 5th, and it IS my own blog, well, I'm claiming privilege.

So there's my intro, let's get to the good stuff!

This first one is notable not just because it's sci-fi, but for the lovely cover-- I'm seriously a fan.  The stories sound amazing, too!

Not in the Stars by Angel Martinez et. al

Toni Griffin, Mathilde Watson, Freddy MacKay, Angel Martinez, and edited by Erika O Williams.

Since the dawn of human expression, man has gazed up at the heavens in wonder, inspired by the wheeling of the stars to explain his surroundings. While our perception of those surroundings have changed, from thinking of the Earth as a flat, stable plane to realizing we’re falling through space in a tiny atmospheric bubble, our wonder remains constant. 

Space stations, alien races, far-flung planets—join the Mischief Corner authors as they explore the possibilities the stars might offer. The catch? Returning to mundane old Earth might be harder than you think. 

Buy right here: Not in the Stars

Okay-- I adore Shae, and we spent some lovely time in Atlanta being silly together, and I also have a fair amount of girlie love for J.p., Ally, Eden, and Kiernan-- I love them all!  So besides the hilarious title (and dudes) and the campy cover, there's also the fact that I know know these writers and expect the awesomeness to be never-ending!

Butt Ninjas from Hell

They move like shadows through the night... when they aren't tripping over the furniture. Porn stars, holy emissaries, demons, and even just plain humans—ninjas come in all forms and from all kinds of Hell in this erotically charged comedic Wilde City anthology. Whether it’s the world of second-rate television, fluttering ninja stars, obsessions over a bronzy-olive toned soldier, or magic backsides, your authorial guides will take you where few readers have ever dared to go… without protection.

Butt Ninjas from Hell: You’ll Never Hear Them Coming!


Clean Up on Aisle Me! by Shae Connor
Sheathing His Sword by JP Barnaby
Twink Ninja Tiger, Flaxen Buns Of Fury by Kage Alan
Twerk It by Ally Blue
Hell Is Where The Heart Is by Eden Winters
Ninja, Vanish! by Kiernan Kelly
The Soldier And The Vagabond by Jevocas Green
A Ninja Walks Into A Bar by T.C. Blue

Release date: April 16, 2014

Okay, so this next offering isn't my usual, but it was, I'll admit, a porntastic, cartoon-oriented raunch-fest.  And, well, sometimes we need those in our book collection, for, uhm, raunch related reasons!  Porny fun-- just what the title says, handsome older men and eager young college boys. Enjoy!

This special DOUBLE FEATURE edition contains Episodes #1 and #2 of MAKE ME WATCH: THE McINTYRE MEN for only a dollar more than the price of each individual episode. That's 23,000 words of scorching action featuring handsome older men and eager young college boys. 

#1 Bobby's Plan 

Henry Ruiz loves living down the street from a university campus. There's a non-stop parade of gorgeous young men in and out of the former Marine's garage apartment, eager for the kind of off-campus lessons only a handsome older man can provide. But when fraternity boy Bobby McIntyre comes to Henry with a devious plan, everything changes. Bobby wants to make his handsome, uptight boyfriend a little less controlling, and he needs Henry's seductive powers to do it. There's just one problem. Bobby is the son of Henry's closest friend in the world. And his plan is anything but orthodox. 

Will Henry give into temptation? Will Bobby's plan even work? 

#2, Campus Security 

Fraternity boy Bobby McIntyre's plot to make his handsome, uptight boyfriend a little more submissive didn't go according to plan. And now his manipulations have left him at the mercy of two campus security officers with a burning desire to peer inside the walls of Bobby's fraternity…literally. But Bobby McIntyre is nothing if not resourceful and there's nothing he knows how to do more than make an older man happy. Picking up exactly where Episode #1 left off, Episode #2 is told entirely from Bobby's point-of-view. 

WARNING: Contains 8 sizzling scenes of handsome older men and seductive young college boys, spiced with taboo themes and plenty of voyeurism. 


Okay, knitters?  Anyta is newly initiated into our numbers-- remember that.  She's a knitter.  She's kin.  She's also funny, kind, and lovely on e-mail, and I've enjoyed our conversations very much.  I bought this one for my Kindle and it's waiting for a quiet moment.  I'm so excited! 

Anyta Sunday

Liam Davis is a serious journalist, and he’s good at it.

Or at least, he was. Until the chief of Scribe, the campus magazine, makes him give up his politics column to write for the party page—the party page that is problematic for two reasons: One, it threatens Liam’s chance of getting the traineeship with his apathetic father at his prestigious newspaper company, and two, he has no idea what it means to party, let alone how to capture this new audience’s attention!

But Liam Davis is no quitter. He’s determined to prove to his father, the chief, and above all himself that he can do it—and do itwell.

Life doesn’t make it easy. Not when Freddy Krueger comes stalking out of the shadows to attack him. Luckily the Raven, the campus vigilante—the vigilante getting hate mail sent to Scribe’s opinions page—comes to his rescue.

Now, between finding the perfect angle for his party page columns and making friends (and perhaps something more?), Liam needs to find this mysterious Raven—not only to thank him, but to warn him to watch his back.

And then, from me, we've got a few offerings.  

The first is the Italian translation of A Solid Core of Alpha, as well as the Spanish translation of Clear Water.  We also have the audio book version of Chase in Shadow, which, all in all, is sort of damned cool!

We also have, for the first time in paperback, the Granby knitting novellas all together in The Granby Knitting Menagerie, which is sort of awesome.  (The cover… omg!  Guys!  The cover!)  And, of course, the huge topper on the release sunday is Jeremy and Aiden's (from The Granby Knitting Menagerie: How to Raise an Honest Rabbit) full length book, Blackbird Knitting in a Bunny's Lair.  I've heard a lot of feedback about how Jeremy Bunny has captured and broken hearts.  This book is where he gets to mend them.  And where the fate of the floor safe is finally decided-- because I know you were all curious. 

So here we go--

by Amy Lane

Welcome to Granby, Colorado, a small town at the foot of the Rocky Mountains where it snows eight months out of the year and knitting is a mashup of art form, necessity, and religion. Here you will meet: 

* Rance “Craw” Crawford, owner of the local alpaca farm and fiber mill, who courts tenderfoot Ben McCutcheon with awkwardness and the most lovingly handcrafted knitted garments known to man. 

* Jeremy Stillson, ex-con and ex-grifter, who comes to work for Craw and learns the secrets to being honest are in both the yarn he learns to use and in Aiden Rhodes, his young co-worker, who has a very direct way of dealing with life and seducing Jeremy. 

* Stanley Schulz, yarn buyer and Craw’s ex-lover, who discovers the joys of knitting alone—and then discovers the joys of knitting for Johnny, a delivery driver with a shady past. Join this menagerie of knitters as they craft to keep their toes toasty and their hearts warm. 

Novellas in this anthology originally published as eBooks by Dreamspinner Press.

And, if you're already read all the stories in The Granby Knitting Menagerie, (and, even if you haven't) then you're probably ready for the next one.  I really loved writing this-- going back to visit Jeremy and Aiden was lovely, and like I said-- the floor safe!

Sequel to Knitter in His Natural Habitat
A Granby Knitting Novel 

After three years of waiting for “rabbit” Jeremy to commit to a life in Granby—and a life together—Aiden Rhodes was appalled when Jeremy sustained a nearly fatal beating to keep a friend out of harm's way. How could Aiden’s bunny put himself in danger like that? 

Aiden needs to get over himself, because Jeremy has a long road to recovery, and he's going to need Aiden's promise of love every step of the way. Jeremy has new scars on his face and body to deal with, and his heart can’t afford any more wounds. 

When their friend’s baby needs some special care, the two men find common ground to firm up their shaky union. With Aiden’s support and his boss’s inspiration, Jeremy comes up with a plan to make sure Ariadne's little blackbird comes into this world with everything she needs. While Jeremy grows into his new role as protector, Aiden needs to ease back on his protectiveness over his once-timid lover. Aiden may be a wolf in student's clothing and Jeremy may be a rabbit of a man, but that doesn’t mean they can’t walk the wilds of Granby together.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Is it a magic? Is it red? Is it eight?

So Squishy had a birthday on Thursday-- she is eight.
She is beautiful.
I cannot even put voice to what an awesome kid she is. 
She asked for books-- and was thrilled to get Judy Moody books.  She asked for clothes, and everybody got her clothes in these colors.
They are her best colors.
They are peach like her hair and sunshine yellow like her smile. 
She adores boots in the winter time, because they make her feel brave
Asnee Llyggeddyn send her (and Chicken and Zoomboy and myself) wants of ash and red willow this week, with a small cachet of stones that are uniquely us.
Squishy wanted to know all of the stones--and my favorite was sardonyx, because it sounds like  "Sardonic" which I think captures the unique "no bullwhip" quirk of her eyebrow when she is pretty sure shit ain't kosher.
We ate dinner at Wongs with my stepson on Thursday--by her request.  It's not a birthday without dinner at Wongs, but since we love the food, that's okay.  (And they like us-- especially my dad.  Unfortunately, Grandpa Pete couldn't make it this time.  He's on a Wild Hog trip--Harleys and all-- to Las Vegas this week.  As I told my mom, growing old ain't for the weak, and retirement ain't for the lazy.).
Of course, that was the grown up party, bless Squishy's sweet heart.  She's having a couple of friends over to spend the night-- grownups are invited for ice cream and pizza beforehand. 
This is a big deal for us.
Until yesterday, 1/4 of the visible space in our house looked like this: 

It looks better now, but only with lots of effort.  There will be even more effort when I get home today, because that's only one quarter of the visible house, and Mate cannot be expected to do it all. (Although it is infuriating how much he does, compared to me.  I don't understand how one man can accomplish so much.  He's dazzling.)

 But then, much of my family is dazzling.
Chicken is dazzling for getting Squishy a Pok√©mon Fox named Derek.  (Sterek fans will find this hySterekal by the way.). This was one of Squishy's favorite presents.
Big T is dazzling for giving her a comic book, because he thinks everybody should love comic books.
And Zoomboy is dazzling because even though we bought him an Evil Minion collectible for "don't be jealous of your sister", he really didn't need it.  He was just happy to go to Wongs and dance on the new dance program.  But he still loved the Evil Minion.  It's assumed his shelf of honor.  So, you know.  Dazzling.
As for me?  I dyed my hair, so I didn't feel old.  I tried for a skunk stripe, but I'm not so great with hair color, so it ended up very very close to Squishy's color in the front.
Is it red?  Is it magic?  Is it eight?
If it's eight, and magic, and red, it's Squish. 
Happy Birthday, Squish.  You are our darling, our baby, the dessert to our family meal.  You are happy, and smart, and clever.  You tell terrible jokes-- but they're getting better--and you are kind and intuitive and read much like I read, to laugh and cry and identify with the hero.
You make me feel young enough to have no gray hair whatsoever. 
Love you, Squish.  You're the most huggable child I've ever known.