Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Friday, May 10, 2019

The Eternal Box

Squish had a parent/teacher meeting today--or rather a "Student Led Conference" wherein she showed me all of her work in her classes and what she was most proud of.

She's very clever, and I, of course, am very proud.

But on the way home, Squish said, "Mom, why do you have to call me Squish still."

I said, "Mostly because I still call you that on social media. Because I want to protect you and your brother until you're old enough to be on your own social media."

She nodded. "That's fair. I can deal with Squish."

Her brother said, "And I can deal with being the Eternal Box."

My brain froze.

About three weeks ago, a teacher gave him a big cardboard box for reasons he keeps trying to explain but I am not getting.  It was a prize of some sort. Go figure.

Anyway, ZoomBoy wrote, "The Eternal Box" on the front, and then walked around school wearing the box and saying--in a sepulchral tone that gave him gravity, I suppose--"I am the Eternal Box. Ask me your questions and I will answer."

And people asked him questions.

Now the part of me that still remembers being in high school thinks this is hysterical and awesome and sort of amazing. It's like he's crafted his own sci-fi character out of cardboard and cheek.

The part of me who had that damned box in my car for two weeks as he begged to wear it to soccer games and family gathering wishes we'd left the fireplace intact because I have a suggestion for how to make the damned box not so eternal.

And then ZoomBoy got an idea. (Right? We've seen this movie. It doesn't end well.) He wants the Eternal Box to be his senior prank. (Yes, this is in two years, why do you ask?)  He's like, "I"ll put on my box and stand up and preach the word of the box and the entire senior class will put on THEIR boxes and say 'All hail the box!'"

And again, my inner high school student thinks this is GENIUS. I've told other high school students about it and they smirk and nod and say, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that--that's GENIUS!"

Mate keeps asking him if he hit his head while he was wandering around blind in the box, and he's like, "No, no, I'm fine. I'm the ETERNAL box, right?"

So anyway, ZoomBoy wants to be The Eternal Box in social media and I'm like, "When you can type that yourself--right now ZoomBoy is long and complicated enough."

He's like, "That's fair. But did you tell everybody about The Eternal Box?"

I sigh. "Sure, hon. I'll do that tonight."

We didn't get a picture--but we can get one tomorrow. Because the damned Eternal Box is sure as shit not going anywhere.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

A Cure for the Derpies

Today, I was listening to an audiobook as we were waiting for ZoomBoy, and I was engrossed--like, totally engrossed. ZoomBoy jumped in to the car and suddenly sputtered.

"God, Mom, can I throw this out? This tastes awful!"

"Sure, honey-- wait! No-- that's the dog water! Wait--"

"You couldn't have told me before I drank it!"he complained.

"Well I didn't expect you to drink it! Here! Drink this!" I handed him the ice water I bring with me when I pick the kids up--they're always thirsty and so am I.

"Oh no!" he cried. Then, he held his hands to his throat and said in a cartoon voice, "Help me! I want to lick your face! I need to jump up! Who are all these people! I need to bark at them! Why am I not sitting on your lap! No! No! No! Help me! I have the--"

"Derpies!" I laughed, because he was doing a spot on impression of Geoffie if Geoffie could talk.

"I have the Derpies!" he said. "There is no cure!"

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Maybe if I stop and get you a slushy, that would cure the Derpies?"

He perked up and dropped the Geoffie impression. "Sure. Could you also get me some chicken tenders, because I also forgot my meds and I'm starving."

"How about you, Squish--you want a slushy?"

"No, I'd rather have an ice cream instead. Wait--can we get a McFlurry?"

"Yeah, sure. One cure for the Derpies coming up. I had no idea McDonalds was into modern medicine."

So now you know the cure for the Derpies. Also, don't let your kids drink the dog water. It's gross.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

The Most Dangerous Part of My Body

So I almost broke the house with my ass this morning.

I was really having a sort of weird day. I was having my morning "meeting"--which I am used to having in long, blissfully uninterrupted private.

I got interrupted three times. Once by a phone call, twice by the pest control guy. The thing with the pest control guy was that he couldn't get close enough to use his organic pet friendly spray on my house--there was a miserable amount of road construction going on outside.

As in, there's a six-foot deep, four-foot-wide trench in front of my driveway, and for the last two days we've had to ask guys to lay down a big iron panel so we can drive out.

Also, they get there at 7:30 which makes them all bastards. ALL. All bastards. Now you know.

So, no pest control today, and my morning meeting was meetus-interuptus and I had to go ask the guys ripping up our road if, uh, I was going to be able to take the dogs to the park.

They said, "Yeah, sure!" and I was like, "Okay then. I'll go in and try to find a bra."

But when I got to the door I realized that I'd closed the locked door behind me. So, yes. I locked myself out of the house.

Anyway, this normally wouldn't be a problem-- the back door slides open and we don't lock it when the animals are going in and out--especially because it's been nice outside. Even with the pet door, we still leave it open a little for some fresh air.

But, uh, remember that pet door?

Well, it's made the entry into the house... smaller.

As in, the KIDS have trouble getting in and out of the back door kind of smaller.

And I had no choice but to squeeze my fat ass into the house via the sliding door. Which I almost took off the rails. I got in--much the same way I managed to use the shower in that Air BnB I stayed in when Andrew, Amelia and I got stranded in Virginia, and let's just say it took some human origami and leave it at that.

But it's true. My ass almost broke the back door. MY ASS ALMOST BROKE MY HOUSE.

I got back inside, and managed to get my act together to take the dogs walking, but my luck was still a little wonky when I got back--I had to park a block away which just sort of wrecked my timeline for making it to aqua zumba.

I guess on the plus side? There's such a thing as aqua zumba, and it was FABULOUS.

However, I don't think it made my ass even a teeny bit smaller.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

We're so damned classy, I can't believe it...

So, Mate took the kids to a special dance practice today so they can perform at the Rivercats stadium this Friday. (For the record, that's the trifecta of things to do this weekend when I'm supposed to be packing. RiverCats Friday, Soccer Saturday, Mother's Day Sunday, pack Sunday night. I thought I'd mention that.)

Anyway--I stayed home and worked, with the door open ever so slightly to let in the fresh air, and the dog parked right in front of the door, polluting said fresh air.

It was horrible. The stench would hit me, I'd look down at the dog, and she'd be looking soulfully back as though *I* was the one who had tried to gas us both.

I complained about it on FB, and as though she could sense me complaining about her, she got up and ran away before I could take a pic of her "look of shame" but I have proof. The family got home about forty-five minutes later and Mate took two steps into the door and said, "Oh my God, who farted?"

IT WAS THAT BAD.

Anyway, bless
Mate, he brought food--Adalberto's carne asada burritos are the best, but they're pretty big, and they're all meat. I cut mine in half to save part for tomorrow, and went to microwave some brussels sprouts to offset all that meat. Of course, we started talking about the dog and her stench-o-rama and as we did so, ZoomBoy laid on the couch and pet her and she clambered all over his body and then made herself comfy in the "gas chamber"-- that spot that forms right under your ass and behind your knees.

"Careful," ZoomBoy warned her. "That's a dangerous place to sit."  And then--because he's a 15 YO boy and can fart on command--ripped one. And another. And a third.

Dog didn't move. Dad laughed. "Are you kidding? She sleeps there next to mom every night--you think you've got game!"

"Yeah," I told him. "I'm afraid you're weak shit--"

He burst out laughing--and breaking more wind--and the dog ran for safety.

And at that moment, Mate says, "Would you stop it? The whole house is starting to smell!"

And at that moment, my brussels sprouts dinged, and ZoomBoy says, "Nope--that's not me. That's mom's chicken farts."  Because I'm the only one who appreciates brussels sprouts apparently, and yes, that is what the family calls them.

"Yeah, that smell is chicken farts," Mate said, judging the air. "You need to get those, before they kill the dogs."

*sigh*

You do realize this is dinner conversation. And the only reason Squish wasn't there to participate was that she got home and fell into bed, right?

Anyway, for the record? The dogs are still trying to kill us, ZoomBoy's gas is worse than mine, and the buttered chicken farts were delicious.

Friday, May 3, 2019

Some Promotions are Good For the Soul

So, I've discovered as I progress that I'm actually not an island. I am, in fact, part of a NUMBER of writing organizations--and I've been blessed.

So two of my groups have promotions going on and I thought I'd talk about them.

The PRG--

The Paranormal Romance Guild is having a membership drive in May--and they're a WONDERFUL organization that supports independent and self-published authors. They review your work, promote it, and generally help the newbie author feel not so alone. And they've been WONDERFULLY supportive of the LGBTQ community--I've watched this group blossom from a few lost souls on amazon.com going, "Wait-- there's got to be another way to promote ourselves besides being on the forums!" to this amazing organization.

So come check out the PARANORMAL ROMANCE GUILD--not just Paranormal, but definitely a group of folks intent on furthering their craft!



The next thing I'd like to promote is the annual Keith Milano Foundation that promotes mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Denise Milano Sprung is an avid reader--and a grieving sister. She has promoted an event for the last several years in which authors give a portion of their proceeds for a specific book to the Keith Milano Foundation for suicide prevention and I've been a part of this every year. This year I'm promoting Bobby Green, because Reg's sister suffers from untreated schizophrenia. For those close to me, you know that V's story comes from my own experiences with family members--right down to some of the most outrageous moments. So Bobby Green is close to my heart--I've ripped open a vein here, and I'd love to have it do some good.






If you'd rather just donate to the source, by all means--VISIT THIS LINK HERE-- and see all of the places that your money goes when you donate. Denise and her husband are good people, and they've worked very hard to combine Denise's passion for romance reading and her desire to see that no other young man has to lose his life to mental illness. They're a force for good, and I'm proud to promote my work to help them.



So there you go!  Two promotions going down this month, one of which can help new writers, and the other of which readers and writers can help!  I'm always surprised when I realize how many people I know--and how many people I"ve cheered on and have been cheered on by in return.

Happy May, everybody!



Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Ass Deep In Alligators--a riff

Okay, so the number of things I'm working on is outnumbered only by the number of things I SHOULD be working on but can't get to.

A. Editing Fish 4

B. Finishing Fall Games

C. Writing the class for Fiction Haiku

D. Answering an e-mail that's two weeks overdue

E. (laughs hysterically) Newsletter that's six months overdue? Holy Goddess is it SIX MONTHS OVERDUE?

F. *lapses into weeping* Update my website? *chokes on a laugh/sob*

G. *hysterical laugh cycle starts again* I LEAVE FOR NOLA WHEN?????

H. oh dear god. I HAVE ANOTHER BOOK DUE ON JUNE 15TH!!!

I. *waves hand* *speaks through full mouth* Don' min' me...mmmmm jus eeemin sum oo'ies... *wipes crumbs*

J. *stares into space* Wait, don't I have to come up with a worksheet too?

K. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SWAG!!!!

L. Oh my God, my workspace is a mess. Isn't it a mess? Who thinks I should clean my workspace RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

M. Yeah... I'm just going to lay here and play a phone game and pretend that other stuff doesn't exist.

N. Oh shit. Like, shit. As I was composing this I remembered I have a blog tour when I get back from NOLA.

O. Amy can't take your call right now. Please leave a message and she'll get back to you when sanity returns.

We call this condition "ass deep in alligators" or "neck deep in nematodes" or "eyeball deep in iguanas" or "pit deep in piranhas" or "cock deep in crocodiles" or "brain deep in barnacles" or please... somebody... help me...

Just don't send the zoo.

Methinks I'm already there.


Monday, April 29, 2019

Kermit Flail-- April/May HURRAY!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

I'm so excited to be back with Kermit Flail!

I'll admit-- this spring has just WHEEEEEEEE!!!! Gotten away from me, and at the beginning of April, I hadn't sent out any notices and everybody else was just as busy as I was so we all just sort of spaced Kermit Flail altogether.

But I was ready for this month--so ready it's out a week early, but given I'm getting ready for Book Lover's Con and am up to my ass in alligators again, I'm calling it a win!

For one thing, I'll be honest. String Boys is coming out. Yeah, sure, it's the end of May, but I'll be signing String Boys at Book Lovers, and it's a story so close to my heart. For once, I'm looking forward to the promotion behind this book--it came about in an interesting way.

But String Boys isn't the only book on the list! Let's look at some of the exciting new offerings we have!



R.J. Scott is a romance world LEGEND. Most years I participate in her blog hop for autism in April (this year was an exception and I missed being a part of it!) She writes heart wrenching romance with lovable characters, and she reached out to me to promote a really good deal! Her Harrisburg Railers are on sale at Amazon--and only available for ninety days. Changing Lines is the first of the series, it's available at a bargain, and it looks like exactly my kind of catnip--by all means come check it out!


Changing Lines--and the entire Harrisburg Railers series--on sale from Amazon exclusively!

Can hockey phenom Tennant show coach Jared that age is just a number, and that love is all that matters in this May/December love story? Read book #1, for only 99c, in the bestselling Railers MM hockey romance series which is filled with family, humor, team dynamics, hockey action, unforgettable characters, steamy bedplay, and a guaranteed happy ever after. The
complete six-book Railers series has today gone Amazon-exclusive (also available to read for free with your Kindle Unlimited subscription), but it’s only staying in there for 90 days, so catch it before it’s gone.

Changing Lines (book1), on sale at 99c - “… Hockey, age-gap, best friend's brother and strawberries! …”

Can Tennant show Jared that age is just a number, and that love is all that matters?

The Rowe Brothers are famous hockey hotshots, but as the youngest of the trio, Tennant has always had to play against his brothers’ reputations. To get out of their shadows, and against their advice, he accepts a trade to the Harrisburg Railers, where he runs into Jared Madsen. Mads is an old family friend and his brother’s one-time teammate. Mads is Tennant’s new coach. And Mads is the sexiest thing he’s ever laid eyes on.

Jared Madsen’s hockey career was cut short by a fault in his heart, but coaching keeps him close to the game. When Ten is traded to the team, his carefully organized world is thrown into chaos. Nine years his junior and his best friend’s brother, he knows Ten is strictly off-limits, but as soon as he sees Ten’s moves, on and off the ice, he knows that his heart could get him into trouble again.

BUY HERE


Pat Henshaw is one of the members of the QSAF-- the Sacramento based writer's group I attend. She's written articles for All About Romance and has generally mentored as many young writers as she can. Her newest, The Thaw, promises to be touch on her favorite motifs-- the good and the bad of finding romance in a rural setting, where being yourself isn't always as easy as it could be.




The Thaw

by Pat Henshaw

Thirty-three-year-old gay farmer, Vladimir Wozniak IV, lives for his crops and the hard work that makes them profitable every year. Five miles up the road, former rodeo bull rider and rancher, Thomas Sullivan, is just as committed to his corn-fed beef. Once best friends until VJ kissed Tommy during freshman year in college, they stopped speaking when Tommy rejected VJ.

Ten years later, after the country doctor who helped bring them into the world dies and his will names them as co-owners of property, they decide to check out their inheritance to see which one wants to buy out the other. As they travel down memory lane through the Doc’s correspondence and visit familiar sites on the land, they work their way back to friendship—and beyond.

BUY HERE 


Saffron Blu is an avid reader and a writer of her own romance fiction. She gave me a heads up for this charity anthology, Love is Love, which promises a delightful variety of short stories. Please check it out!


Love is Love

Anthology

Love is Love charity anthology.

A LGBT charity anthology, with a collection of 12 new never released before romance stories.

Each story is standalone and complete.

Also including two bonus stories previously released.

Support the LGBT community around the world.

This content is for mature audiences only.

•Being Me by J.A Melville
•Affirmation by T.L Wainwright
•Finding Zaide by Kim Deister
•Hardware by Lucy Felthouse
•Against the Odds by Kacey Hamford & Amy Davies
•L.O.L - Loving Only Leo by Kamisa Cole
•Take the Chance by C.H. Thomas
•Break Away by Saffron Blu
•Fight by T.a. McKay
•The CEO’s Secret by Callie Vegas
•Collateral Beauty by S.M Phillips
•Coming Out by J.F. Holland
•June by Skye Turner
•September by Skye Turner



Diana Waters is new to me--but she writes fantasy romance and that's one of my all-time favorite things! Please check out Kaidyn's Courage--it's a Romeo and Tybalt sort of story, which is always a delicious trope!


Kaidyn's Courage

by Diana Waters

Kaidyn is the son of the queen and a trainee officer in the kingdom of Sareen. He is also a Half-Blood—his father is from Iskandir, a neighboring kingdom which has been at war with Sareen for many years. Bitter and angry at the prejudice he faces, Kaidyn meets Sorin, a healer from one of Sareen’s most prominent noble families. As their relationship deepens, the war between Sareen and Iskandir grows worse. Not only will the pair inevitably become involved with the conflict one way or another, but Sorin is also hiding a secret, and time is running out for them both.


B.L. Maxwell is another Sacramento native, and whenever we see each other at conventions or through our writer's group, we talk about the vagaries of our little stretch of earth. This story looks particularly poignant to our area--I know my own father has a thing for motorcycles, and my stepmom rides them too so they can make it to shows and club functions together. The blurb for Ride gave me a little *ping* in my heart region--this one could definitely strike some chords!


Ride

by BL Maxwell

Kace Hallard leaves Sacramento, bound for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, something he and his fatherhad always planned to do together. When his father realizes he won’t be able to make the trip, he makes Kace promise to go on his own. 

He takes off, not sure he’s up to the challenge. When he has mechanical trouble a few hours away from home, he questions his choice even more. 

Striker Johnson is just out buying lunch for the guys at the shop when he notices the handsome stranger in the parking lot checking over his Harley and looking confused. He approaches him and offers his help. 

The next few hours fly by, and Kace asks Striker to join him. 

It’s the trip of a lifetime for them both, one man looking to ease his grief, the other riding toward emotions he has no hope of controlling. One way or another they’ll have to decide if they ride together or separately, when life throws them one more curve.


Tinnean is known for quirky humor and outrageous sci-fi and fantasy. Surviving the Apocalypse: Long Leggity Beasties appears to be no exception, and with a lovers reunited them going on in the middle of the beasties, it promises to be action adventure fun!


Long Leggity Beasties

by Tinnean

Dark deeds are being done, and Jenn Canaday, a special agent with the FBI, has been assigned to look into them. This takes her to New Mexico, where cattle are being rustled and people are going missing -- one of them the niece of the state’s governor.

Meg Parkinson is a sheriff’s deputy in the small town of Laurel Hill. She and Jenn had once spent a steamy week together, but then Jenn had sent her away, something Meg hasn’t gotten over, as reluctant as she is to admit it. 

When Meg notices that the homeless camp on the edge of her town has become deserted, Jenn is brought into her vicinity to aid in the investigation. Will the former lovers be able to work together? Can they rekindle the flame that had once burned so brightly? And will they learn what’s behind all the disappearances without disappearing themselves?


Kim Fielding is another inmate, I mean resident of Northern California. But Kim lives in nearby Turlock, which is seriously in the heart of the valley. All of her Bureau stories donate their proceeds to Doctors Without Borders, and this is a series that I've been dying to sink my teeth into. (I've bought the first couple, and they're on my towering TBR list!)  So, if you want to lick the cover-model's abs, you may have to buy the book instead--just remember, the money is going to a GREAT cause!



















Chained

by Kim Fielding


An agent for the Bureau of Trans-Species Affairs? That’s the best job in the world. And it’s enough for Terry Brandt, who doesn’t need personal relationships complicating his life. His newest assignment puts him undercover, investigating a Hollywood agent who may have some evil tricks up his sleeve.

Edge is not the man he appears to be. Although he’s a member of the Hollywood agent’s security staff, his true situation is darker and deeper than that. Ordered to seduce the new prospect, Edge finds himself caught in conflicting loyalties.

Haunted by their pasts and tied up in secrets, neither Terry nor Edge can afford to allow passion to interfere with duty. And with danger dogging them, it’s impossible to envision a future together.




And String Boys.  Two years ago (was it only that long?) Squish was in the choir and we were all assembled in a shitty auditorium with cracked floor tile and broken sound tiles on the ceiling and a stage full of splinters to hear her perform. Before the choir sang, however, we heard the band--and in addition to the band, there was a group of nine boys who had been grabbed by the collar coerced threatened convinced by their teachers to play one of nine donated violins. The boys called themselves "string boys" and as I sat there, listening to a not-bad rendition of "Three Blind Mice", I looked at the earnest faces of those boys and this story emerged, in its entirety, from behind my eyes. I knew who Seth and Kelly were before I left the auditorium, and I carved out two months from a packed schedule to write their story. I love this book. I wrote Seth and Kelly as diverse as the population in my children's school and I love them fiercely. I hope you all give this one a chance.


String Boys

by Amy Lane
Seth Arnold learned at an early age that two things in life could make his soul soar—his violin and Kelly Cruz. In Seth’s uncertain childhood, the kindness of the Cruz family, especially Kelly and his brother, Matty, gave Seth the stability to make his violin sing with the purest sound and opened a world of possibility beyond his home in Sacramento.


Kelly Cruz has loved Seth forever, but he knows Seth’s talents shouldn’t be hidden, not when the world is waiting. Encouraging Seth to follow his music might break Kelly’s heart, but he is determined to see the violin set Seth’s soul free. When their world is devastated by a violent sexual assault and Matty’s prejudices turn him from a brother to an enemy, Seth and Kelly’s future becomes uncertain.


Seth can’t come home and Kelly can’t leave, but they are held together by a love that they clutch with both hands.


Seth and Kelly are young and the world is wide—the only thing they know for certain is they’ll follow their heartstrings to each other’s arms whenever time and fate allow. And pray that one day they can follow that string to forever… before it slices their hearts in two.



Friday, April 26, 2019

The Bottom Five

Okay--

So I wasn't doing much today-- or rather I was busy but I didn't care who saw me.

Walk the dogs, go to the post office, pick up the kids, go grocery shopping, cook dinner-- that sort of thing.

Nevertheless, I did draw the line at that one wardrobe item...

I mean, battered T-shirts--yes.

Gym shorts that double as parachute pants? Why not.

There's always the three identical sets of capris that need to be pulled up from the middle of the waistband ala Kung Fu Panda, at least three times every five minutes. Sure. IDGAF.

But the backless white gym shirt that hugs my white-bread-and-sugar belly, shows off my Hawaiian flowered bra, and reads "Better Sore Than Sorry!"

THERE'S where I draw the line.

The thing is... it's brand new.

I've NEVER worn it.

But getting the urge--and then quickly losing it before even the dogs could see me--made me wonder.

Hey-- why did I decide to buy that anyway?

I mean, we ALL have wardrobe brainfarts, right? Who among us has not shelled out $60 for a dress only to have your husband wash it with something red so that we can never wear it again because dammit, the Tardis was not MEANT to be a gentle blue-tinged pink.

Okay-- that example may be a wee bit specific.

I'm just saying-- with great wardrobe freedom comes great opportunities to buy something we wish we'd not.

I mean, I have an entire era of shirts that have tacky jewelry sewn into the front bib because that was the thing then. I can't bear to give them away because they're barely worn, but I can't really wear them NOW because they make me feel like my grandmother. And, let's face it, that one tank top is my favorite and I'm never giving it up, ever, I adore it, you'll pry it out of my cold dead hands.

But you all know those clothes--the clothes we'll never wear but we're embarrassed/can't bear to part with?

The pants that keep falling down and no belt will tame them?

The white organza beach wear that will show every dimple in my ass as well as my purple flowered granny panties?

The adorable rustic overall dress that hugs my belly just a tad tightly when I sit down?

The what-was-I-thinking Goth Lace dress that doesn't work with a single bra I own?

C'mon, folks--I"m baring my closet to you here. It's your turn.

What are YOUR fashion regrets?

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

More adventures with boys and gas....

So Sacramento usually has one transition week between winter and summer--one real "spring" like week, where the weather is perfect 75 degrees, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the weather is A-OK.

Yeah-- that week happened when we were in San Diego--too bad, so sad, it's 93 or higher from now on, this is our life now.

Anyway-- that gives some context to our ride home.

I've got the air conditioner on because HOT and we're listening to an audiobook and the kids are like TAKE ME TO WATER but all silently.

And the audiobook is really good--it's romantic suspense, and the cops are after a teenager who didn't do it and...

And then there's this smell.

This TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE SMELL.

But the audiobook is on and is the kid going to get caught and suddenly Squish, ZoomBoy and I are rolling down our windows and letting the blast of hot air wipe us out.

And the smell goes on.

The voice on the speaker pauses, the chapter ends, and Squish goes, "ZoomBoy, if that was you, keep your window down or get the hell out of the car!"

"Hey! Don't blame me, blame the ham! It's getting hot back here!"

The audiobook starts again, and for a minute, we all think about rolling our windows up again.

And change our minds.

And anybody outside the car at that intersection got a healthy dose of murder mystery--but only if they survived the stench.

So when ZoomBoy comes out of his room tonight as I'm doing Avengers Swag Assemble and Squish is doing homework, it's only a little bit funny when he goes, "This is a test of the Emergency Flatulence system. This is only a test."  And then proceeds to do armpit farts.

Because if this was an actual Flatulence Emergency, it would have been followed by screaming, gagging, retching, and the whole lot of us attempting to flee from the living room by any means necessary.

But now you see why we needed the test.

Monday, April 22, 2019

The Truth About Steve

Ah, returning to normal is a pain in the ass. Why can't we just work out in the pool and read ALL DAY? I used to think that's what this job was all about, but now there's sending letters and making decisions and... *grumble*

Anyway--

So, this evening, ZoomBoy came and gave me a hug as I was working. He said, "So, did you notice Steve, trying to get us to open the screen door when the pet door is RIGHT THERE?"

And I said, "Okay, so, there's something you need to realize. I know when you look at her, you think of Steve as our beloved pussycat. You think, 'Oh, yeah, sure, she hides in the darkened bathroom only to dart across the hallway, claw your ankle, curse you out, and then disappear.' But that's nothing, right?"

"A personality quirk," he agrees. "Like stealing your money before spending it."

"Exactly. But the truth is much more sinister. The truth is, that underneath the ten pounds of severely allergenic cat hair--"

"That sticks to all my clothes."

"Yes, that. Underneath that, and the fleas that no amount of flea treatment can vanquish--"

"Is that where those bites are coming from?"

"We have some aloe and lidocaine on the counter. Anyway, aside from the head-butting you in the boobs at three a.m. if she doesn't have food--"

"Mom, that's only you."

"And the clawing in the arm in the middle of the night--"

"She got my nipples once. She wanted my pillow."

"Well, you're blessed. Anyway, aside from all of that, there's something else you should know about our beloved pussycat."

"Hit me with it."

"She will try to convince you that she is neglected. That nobody loves her. That she has been ignored and shunted aside for the entire day, only to be passed over in favor of the hated dogs."

"She's singing the song of her people even now."

"Well, you should know that our beloved pussycat is a LYING SACK OF FUR. I've been petting that shameless whore all fucking day."

"Understood."

"You may need to pet her too. She's still out for our ankles."

"Understood."

"Pass the word on to your sister."

"Definitely."

I work for a little while, and then I hear from the bedroom, "And you should know that Steve the cat is a LYING SACK OF FUR."

Because I'm a good mother and I warn about the shit that will happen.