Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Monday, December 31, 2018

The Curse of the Browser History

Most writers will tell you that they're afraid their browser history is going to end them up in prison someday--but it's not just their browser history.

It's snippets of conversations they ask their friends, it's things they say when they're watching movies, it's the way they think about characters in a book or on TV.

Let's face it--our brains don't always work in ways that make sense to people living in the real world.

"So, how long would it take to die of infection after a plane crash?"

"Yeah, but in the snow?"

"But what if there's blood loss?"

"What if everyone lost their phones? Would they be peoplecicles before anyone got there?"

"Would they need cadaver dogs?"

"Can you snowboard a plane wing down a mountaintop?"

"How about with passengers?"

"What if one was tied to the wing?"

"With strips of T-shirt, of course."

"Oooh, you're right. Seatbelts from the plane would be so much smarter!"

"Could you steer that like a sled?"

"What if there was a body in the plane?"

"You know, like Romancing the Stone?"

"No, no drugs. This isn't a Johnnies book."

"No, not Beneath the Stain either. No, it's a new one. But back to plane crashes..."

"How fast do winds have to go to knock a helicopter out of the sky?"

"Does anybody not file a flight plan?"

"Okay-- good to know. So, how cold do you think it got in The Mountain Between Us?"

"No, no--I'm just wondering about the feasibility of people getting naked, that's all."

"Well, I DO write romance books. There's nakedness there."

"Well, and action adventure."

"And occasionally corpses in refrigerators and drugs in the daily newspaper supplement, but mostly there's romance and nakedness."

"Okay, fine. I'm scaring you. Did you know that cotton balls in an altoid tin soaked in petroleum jelly are used as a portable fire starter in survival situations?"

"No, I'm not going to start hauling them around in the minivan. If we go off road in Citrus Heights we can call for a tow."

"No, not going skiing either, because I would DIE in a survival situation, that's why."

"Yeah, I know. I'm mean to my characters--but there's nakedness in the end!"

*  *  *

Okay-- so this doesn't seem like I'm leading you astray--

Familiar Demon is available for presale at DREAMSPINNER and AMAZON,

And Freckles --with it's adorable new cover-- will be available from DREAMSPINNER and AMAZON in March!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting up early for some sparkling cider, the better to watch the ball drop tomorrow night!

Happy New Years Eve!


Friday, December 28, 2018

Christmas moments I'd forgotten...

So, yes. It's three days after Christmas, but it was a REALLY busy couple of days, and a few stories have come back to haunt me. Enjoy!

*  The Christmas gift that keeps on giving

Okay, so when Big T lived with us, socks were in scant supply. Mate, T, and myself all wore the same size, and we'd buy giant packages of two-dozen pairs and they would DISAPPEAR.

Literally, into the black hole of Big T's room.

A month later, after Mate and I had been rooting through all the sock dregs-- the hole-y socks, ZoomBoy's socks left over from when he was wearing kids sizes, Squish's socks--the socks would reappear, all in one load, looking like they'd been used for target practice.

Like, holes EVERYWHERE.

So Big T asked us for socks for Christmas and Mate and I went all out--we knew there'd be a need.

And then his girlfriend (she's AWESOME--that needs to be said!!!!!) came over for Christmas and they exchanged gifts. (I made her fingerless mitts--I'm not a barbarian.)

Folks?

She gave him socks.

SOCKS!

And as Mate and I were lOSING OUR SHIT, she said, "Yeah--first time he came over he took off his shoes and his sock peeled off half his foot--it was in tatters!"

And she asked him over again.

You guys, if he lets her slip through his fingers, I'll never let him live it down. She's perfect.

*  Santa's Elves Need some Dank Weed

So, we sent our Christmas letters out on Christmas Eve. We got to the post office after it was closed, but I went in to use the kiosk to buy stamps. We really just wanted the letters in the mail, so we could say, "DONE! BEFORE CHRISTMAS! WE WIN!"

Anyway, I walked into the foyer of the closed post office and was overwhelmed by the smell of weed. Now you know people don't need to smell like weed anymore--there's vaporizers and everything--but these guys were apparently getting high old school.

It was coming through the mail slot--you know, where you put your small parcels and letters when the PO is closed?

Anyway, as I waited (and waited!) for my 80 stamps to print out, I heard the following.

BANG!

CRASH!

BOOM!

"OUCH!"

"FUCK!"

"DAMN!"

And then the sounds subsided.

I took my stamps and fled, but you guys?

I think we need to be nicer to the post office people.

They had apparently had a SUPER SHITTY day!

*  Some Random Fudge

So on Christmas morning, Mate and I left five happy kids of our own to run a big box of fudge to my aunts and uncles. Now my Uncle Phil and his wife, Barb, have two pretty perfect sons. Tall, handsome, kind, smart--and totally laid back.

Anyway, they're way too cool for me and my family--I always feel blessed when they talk to me. Did I mention how nice they are? The youngest, Joe, actually came up to me Thanksgiving and told me he found the poem I'd written his mom for his parents' wedding and how it moved him to tears.

YOU GUYS!

Anyway--

So Mate and I were telling an Aunt, "Yeah, we just came by to drop off a random box of fudge and hug everybody and run!" and she laughed.

And then the oldest boy came up--after hearing us, of course--and said, "Hey, this random fudge tastes good. Peppermint?"

"Yeah-- there's some Amaretto and some plain and some gingerbread and some red velvet in there too."

"Oh my God! Layers? THAT'S THE BEST! RANDOM FUDGE FOR THE WIN!"

This kid is taking a year after college to travel the world and make movies since he majored in film at UCLA.

And we wowed him with fudge.

Random fudge--man, you can't say it's not magic.

So there you go--Christmas anecdotes that I've been dying to tell online!

Have a great weekend, and may your old year be filled with no regrets and the coming year with all the hope you can muster!


Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Amy's Little Rules of Christmas

*  She who plans to craft for Christmas inevitably ends up crafting for at least two weeks AFTER Christmas.

*  She who buys gifts with a raging head cold will inevitably look at the inequitable piles wrapped for her children and think, "I could have SWORN we bought more than that for child X!"

* She who is exhausted on Christmas morning may--possibly--look at child X who is trying valiantly not to be hurt and go, "WAIT! IT'S HERE! WE FORGOT TO WRAP IT! LOVE ME!" Or, you know, something to that effect.

* If she who is exhausted is really blessed, Child X will pretend that the hidden gift makes up for the teeny pile and all will be well.

* She who goes shopping with a head cold for five different pairs of pajama pants will be lucky if she doesn't end up with two in COMPLETELY THE WRONG SIZE.

*  She is seldom that lucky.

* She whose husband makes fudge for everybody is possibly the luckiest bitch on the planet, hands down, no holds barred.

* She who thinks she has it all nailed down two days before Christmas inevitably has several fuckups to answer for on the exact day.

*  She who has fucked up several times on Christmas day is entitled to a long, blissful nap of self pity the day after.

* She of the several thousand fuckups can still be the luckiest person on the planet if all her children still love her at the end, and her parents think she's done okay and if--IF--she finally gets her nap.

Was a great Christmas all-- the pictures speak for themselves :-)












Monday, December 24, 2018

A Few Christmas Nuggets

So this will probably be my last post for a few days--everybody'd too busy to read the blog anyway!

But before you all hustle off to your own holidays, be sure to look at the last entry, where I talk about posting the extras for Beneath the Stain. Or just go HERE, where you can get the extras for free!

Now before I go help Mate wrap the last of the presents, I'll give you a brief rundown of the family--and our version of a happy holiday:

Mate: 

Mate made eight batches of fudge of six different types--and I've boxed the majority of it up by now to send off, but I've got a picture of it here, and he's justifiably proud.



Chicken:

Chicken's grown friends have started asking for presents. I'm in the middle of my second "friend" scarf for her, and apparently there was a big demand for her father's fudge.

I packed a little box--very adorable and festive--but she flew through the door today on her way to a Christmas party, and her first stop was the Ziplock cupboard (which I had to get into because spiders which are no longer there.)  She needed to fill a quart bag with fudge because there are apparently ravening hordes who will only be appeased with fudgey goodness.

Who knew?

Squish: Squish is generally a delight, and she's been poking under the tree curiously to see what presents are for her. This is a leftover from when she was very small, and she's usually so self-possessed. We adore her, of course, but today she did sort of shock us.

We were addressing Christmas cards and I looked at one label in surprise.

"Aunt Amelia? Is she still, uhm, alive?"

Both the kids asked, "Who's Aunt Amelia?"

"My grandmother's older sister. I, uh... lessee... Grandma died five years ago at 92 so that would make her...I have no idea."

"Well," Squish said, frowning, "How long can she live? I mean, what's the max?"

And that right there was when my brain blew up.

I"m going to be wondering "what's the max?" for the rest of my life.

ZoomBoy

ZoomBoy and I had a fight over Google Play tonight as we endeavored to listen to Christmas carols that didn't drive anybody crazy, and he kept randomly asking for Queen. I swear, it was like he was possessed by Crowley's car. (Good Omen's  reference there-- it's coming!)

Big T

Big T read the Christmas letter and said, "You know, this is really good. Did you have a friend or an editor or someone help you with this?"

In other news, he's been disowned and may be looking for a family of his own. If anybody wants a really large 26 year old son, feel free to claim him. He seems like a good kid, but he can apparently rip your heart out with no notice at all.

*whew*

And now, off to wrap presents.

May your family delight you, surprise you, shock you, turn to you, and, occasionally, take you for granted until given a pointed reminder of how truly awesome you are.

May your Solstice/Christmas/Yule be Merry and Bright.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Merry Mackey-mas, Happy Trav

 So, in celebration of finishing the manuscript for Paint it Black, 

I'm releasing the exclusive extras from the serial version of Beneath the Stain  on Prolific Works.

You can claim your copy RIGHT HERE!

Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Blessed Solstice, Belated Hanukah , and generally happy winter everybody.

Also, give Kim Fielding a big shout out--she's the one who helped me convert my filed.

All the love everybody!

Amy

Thursday, December 20, 2018

And that's when I snapped


So, ZoomBoy has finals for three days. He gets out early.

Squish had an early day today--she got out about 45 minutes after ZoomBoy.

I got to ZoomBoy late--I had a teleconference. I had him walk to Carl's Jr. When I picked him up, he asked for food.

This is unusual.

ZoomBoy's ADHD medication ensures he's not particularly hungry for most of the day.

So of course I got him food.

A milkshake, jalapeno poppers, and five chicken tenders.

I got him a lot of food.

We went and got Squish. She wanted food too. We went to Wendy's. 

While we were there he asked for fries and chicken nuggets.

I remarked upon this while we were waiting in line.

"Geez, kid, you are eating up a storm!"

He was, at this time, finishing up my water and flicking my straw across the car, after which he fumbled the cup it was in, dropping it on the floor--empty, thank God--and then picked up the empty shake cup and did the same thing flicking bits of shake all over the front seat.

"Yeah," he said. "I think I forgot my medication."

"You think?" I asked.

He fumbled the shake cup, added the empty next to my water cup on the floor and through sheer fidgetingness flung the straw out the window.

"I'm not sure. I can't remember. Squish, can you remember? We did pantomimes in class today, that was my drama final and I don't have to take a test at all, because my last one was yesterday. What were we talking about again?"

"Did you remember your medication?"

 And here, give this to your sister."  I handed him the bag with her sandwich and his fries.

Which he promptly fumbled all over the back seat.

And THAT, yer honor, was when I beat him over the head with the bag of chicken nuggets.


Tuesday, December 18, 2018

It's all in the eyeballs...

So truthfully, this cold is kicking my ass.

I had plans for what I was going to write on the blog this week and...oi.

Had to be up super early this morning after getting to bed super late and coughing all night--again. This morning I took the car in to be serviced then Mate and I went Christmas shopping, and then we went to lunch, and then...

I. Just. Stopped.

Like, forgot my purse at lunch, "Honey, I'm at the zoo!" quit on the whole world. Mate got me home, I said, "DERP! PURSE!" and Mate said, "I'll get it. But first you have to put the stuff away."

Okay.

About the stuff.

The stuff is mostly socks and underwear at this point, with a couple of "toys" for the kids.

But when I say "toys" I mean last ditch material efforts to get the kids to love us before they decide we're too old to talk to anymore.

Because seriously-- they didn't want a Switch Box, they didn't want games, they didn't want... well, anything. These are seriously content children. Anything they DID want, Squish sent me a link to and I'd already bought it.

So my brain was mid-shut-down and we were IN CHRISTMAS CENTRAL and I couldn't think of a fucking thing to buy my own children.

God knows what's in those bags.

But I WILL tell you what was in them what wasn't SUPPOSED to be in them.

Cough syrup.

Which is important later.

Anyway, I stow the stuff in the unused room which is quickly becoming SO unused we can't walk a path through it, and shut the door. Then I fall face down on the bed and fall asleep. I'm freezing, so I cover myself with folded laundry, and I don't wake up for two hours. As in, it's a good think Mate was here, because went to get the kids and I didn't even remember to set my phone.

I eventually wake up, do some work, then sit down to watch TV and... well, I could say "I crafted" but the real truth was, I crafted because getting up to cook dinner was beyond me. Mate made us soup. He was so proud. Safeway Signature Recipes helped.

Finally bedtime rolls around and Squish is coughing. Go figure. I've been a plague dog for the last four days.

"Squish!" I call. "Do you want some cough syrup!"

"Yes!" She comes into the living room and Mate looks at me.

I am knitting under a blanket, covered by dogs.

He stands up and walks toward the kitchen and I say, "Uh, it's not there."

He turns around and we have an eyeball conversation.

Where is it?

The unused room.

Seriously?

Yeah. 

Where in the unused room?

Anybody can find it.

SERIOUSLY???

I WAS PRACTICALLY UNCONCIOUS!

And then he laughs out loud and turns down the hallway.

Squish says "I don't understand what just happened."

We have been watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel so she understands this next part.

"Daddy and I just told a joke. We told the set up, the build, the punchline, then the recall, and then we laughed like the audience, and we did it all with our eyeballs."

"Except the laugh."

"Really?"

"We're that good."

"Huh."

"Sweetie, when you take that cough syrup, don't make any frickin' plans."

"I don't even know what you mean."

"Trust me. Just... trust me."

So I'm off to bed. I'm taking some cough syrup, now that we have some. I'll wave to you all when the comas over.

Also?

Thanks for making HomeBird a success :-)  People really seem to love it-- thank you!!

Monday, December 17, 2018

Oh hey! HomeBird is out!

HomeBird
by Amy Lane
Crispin Henry isn’t an adventurer. He learned early on that the world is a frightening place and that home is rare and precious. If his friends didn’t drag him to sports games and ill-advised trips to Vegas, he wouldn’t get out at all—and his trip to Munich for Oktoberfest is no exception. But it’s there that he meets Luka Gabriel, and he learns to take a chance.

Luka is a free-spirited world traveler, working at Oktoberfest to feed his enchantment with new places and new people. His only possessions fit in his backpack, and he depends on the kindness of strangers for a place to sleep. Crispin should know better—but he takes Luka’s hand anyway, and together they turn three nights in Munich into the relationship neither of them has been brave enough to risk—and neither can let go of.

When Luka turns up on Crispin’s doorstep before the holiday season, Crispin takes him in on hope alone. Yes, he knows the odds are good Luka will flutter out of his life again and leave him bereft, but isn’t it worth it to see if Luka is a homebird after all?








The thing is, I love writing stories for this time of year.

It's like that habit of making one day a year as perfect as possible (and we are imperfect people so it's not particularly perfect) for my children extends to my writing.

The projects I'm working on currently are rough. They've got pain and every day problems and things like money and family and destructive decisions all matter.

But my Holiday story is my one chance to really BELIEVE in in hope and joy and happy endings, without strings.

In a holiday story, a  world-traveling hottie and a shy homebody can meet, can fall in love, can have a happy ever after.

So I hope you all enjoy this story. I loved writing it. Make sure you check out the forward when I talk about the story of the story.

And definitely allow yourself to believe in happy ever afters, even when they're at their most unlikely.

All yourself to dream.

Amy

Sunday, December 16, 2018

And a headache and two ibuprofen...

Eight days before Christmas, my weekend did to me...

12 Folks at T-s B-day party

11 hours coughing

10 different stores a-shopping

9 miles looking at lights

8 revisits to the list

7 fresh work deadlines

6 more things I need to craft

5 KIDS TO SHOP FOR

4 Posts for a blog tour

3 major edits

(also) 3 dogs who need a walk

And a trip to see Spiderman for Mate...


I hope this next week is head cold free, the dogs get walks, I get my deadlines done, and the kids survive school--because it looks like my favorite Christmas present is going to be some blessed, blessed sleep.

OH!

And for folks who saw this on Amazon, I FINISHED THE BOOK!

I was so relieved to have that done I didn't even know where to put it in the song.




Thursday, December 13, 2018

From James Dean to Urkel

So, Squish and I were going to pick up ZoomBoy. We saw him at the intersection, leaning against a fence, waiting for the walk signal.

"Doesn't he look cool?" I asked-- that is not ZB's default.

"Yeah," Squish said thoughtfully. "Ankles crossed, hands in pocket, eyes closed. Looks like a movie star."

Then the light changed and he used his hands in his pockets to yank his pants up by the crotch--and hence up about four inches at the ankles--and he hunched his back, shouldered his backpack, and crossed the street like the hunchback of Notre Dork playing pocket pool.

Squish and I were like this: 0.0

ZoomBoy got in the car and we were like, "Uh, your pants falling down?"

"Yeah, but I keep my hands in my pockets so nobody knows."

"Uh, yeah, son. Maybe ask dad for a belt when we get home."

Belt looks great!

Also, we got a Christmas card today that sort of baffled us.

I recognized the address--it was a friend from high school-- we swap Christmas cards still, although we haven't seen each other in ten years.

The name was different. "Hey, isn't that the name of that guy that my (other) friend dated about fifteen years ago?"

"Yeah..."

I opened up the card and read the letter.

So, Christmas card friend had married that one guy's twin brother.

Which, folks, is probably why it's a good idea to--in the immortal words of Bowling for Soup-- get the fuck out of your hometown.


Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Dear Helpful Person...

To the person who posted the Yip Yip pattern on my FB group--Parker Williams, you know who you are...

First off, I would like to say, I had a handle on my Christmas crafting. I swear I did. I was going to make three of these things here:
















And then I thought, "But that went so FAST! I'm just going to make a scarf for Chicken, and I'll use THIS pattern because it's really fast TOO."

this pattern, right here.

And then I started to make it, and it felt really easy. So I committed to making THREE OF THEM, except what I THOUGHT was easy was a bust because it turns out you have to do basic maths, and there's a stitch I don't understand and anyway, it took me two weeks. TWO WEEKS in the height of Christmas crafting season.

I can't do three of them. OMG I BARELY FINISHED ONE--and, honestly, it's almost twice as deep as it should be in the picture. Because maths, you understand.

Anyway, I decided to do THIS pattern, from the Lion Brand Touch of Alpaca ball band, because hey, it's quick, it's easy, and I think I can finish three of them in OMG TWO WEEKS? IS THAT ALL I HAVE?

Wait-- what about the cowls again?

Those can wait.

BUT I have two weeks to make those big scarves and suddenly, SOMEONE, (WE ALL KNOW WHO!) puts THIS up on my feed. 

Press the link. PRESS IT, I TELL YOU.

Do you see that?

Those are YIP YIP STOCKINGS.

And... *sob* THEY'RE ADORABLE!

So I show these to Chicken thinking she'll talk me out of it-- she really liked the idea of her and her friends all having matching scarves, right?

But no. She's like THOSE hosers can have scarves, I want a YIP YIP STOCKING.

I tell her tough luck, I have no time and my budget has been spent.

So I tell Mate, thinking he will LAUGH at me, because seriously, YIP YIP STOCKINGS?  But he takes one look at the pattern and goes, "Oh. Oh yeah. You need to start those in January and make them for EVERYBODY WE KNOW!"

*sob*

You all... I've got yarn. I mean, lOTS AND LOTS OF YARN. So much yarn. And every new pattern means I need to buy MOAR YARN.

Those Yip Yip Stockings don't come cheap-- but... *sob* Did you SEE THEM?

HOLD ON BOYS, MOMMY'S COMING!!!!!!!!!!




How Many Words?

Okay-- so a super short bit today. Paint it Black is getting ready to be finished, and it's nearly 100K and yes, I know that's too many words, I don't know what to tell you.

Also, it needs another sex scene.

Anyway-- the following happened today:

Took Johnnie to the vet, where I had to hoist him onto the stainless steel table to get his shots and temperature taken.

"C'mon, you big chicken, you need to get violated and prodded and have some shit blown up your nose."

Johnnie looked at me with big Chihuahua blueberry-muffin eyes and the vet laughed.

"Gee, and you made it sound like such an awesome deal."


Also...

Went walking with Chicken, and she told me about this event from her world mythology class:

Professor: Do we have any figures that have become legendary in modern times?

Student: Elvis?

Professor: Dumbledore?


Also...

So, two weeks ago, Squish came up to me as I was working and gently touched my goddess pendant.

"That's pretty."

"It is. Mary gave it to me. She gave me a little cauldron with the trinity symbol on it, but Chicken stole it."

"You know, I'd like a necklace like that."

So we found one that was different--pagan, with her birthstone on it--and I put in an order. A week later, a tiny box showed up, but since it was so close to Christmas, it went on the "so close to Christmas" pile, and I didn't think anything of it.

Until I got a text this morning--from Mary. She wanted to know if I'd gotten my gift from her yet.

"Oh my God-- that box was for ME???"

I thought it was pretty funny. And totally her fault, right?

And now I need to check the "so close to C Christmas" pile to make sure Squish's present got here too!


Monday, December 10, 2018

GNGL BLZ

So I shit you not. The license plate of that vintage automobile driven by that charming elderly couple wearing very distinctive holiday costumes is GNGL BLZ.

It's enough to look for signs of Christmas cheer.

Such as...

*  The Lego Advent Calendar is opened and pillaged and fought over

* Strange packages arrive that Mom and Dad won't open and often can't remember ordering

*  The great debate of "Do we get the tree BEFORE or AFTER Big T's birthday" begins.

* Mom lets the kids choose Christmas music in Spotify

* The conversation in the car turns simultaneously to A. Honoring other religious holidays besides Christmas, B. Where those holidays come from, C. If we're pagan why do we celebrate Christmas again?, and, my personal favorite, D. "Why does religion seem to spawn so many wars?"  (Ugh. True, but I could do without this discussion once a year. It makes me want to stab several people with a Yule log.)

* We start watching "forbidden" movies-- Love Actually, Die Hard, Santa Clause is Coming to Town, Gremlins, the Apartment, The Thin Man-- that we save for this month actually, because otherwise they shall become commonplace, like Christmas lights left out all year long.

* Speaking of Christmas lights, uh, Mate, when were we gonna...?

* The animals get all excited because a TREE just MAGICALLY APPEARS in the INSIDE and not the OUTSIDE and we NEED TO EXPLORE THIS MADNESS!

*  I start making plans to fry chicken, a thing I do once or twice a year, usually for Christmas Eve

*  Mate and I plan his week before Christmas off to the last detail. FTR? We usually blow this plan in the first day.

* Mate starts looking up recipes for fudge.

* I start singing carols to the kids at random times when they least expect it.

* I KNIT LIKE THE WIND! ONLY SEVEN HUNDRED MORE CHRISTMAS ITEMS TO GO!

* OH. OMG. Like I was writing this list and it suddenly occurred to me that I NEEDED TO WRITE MY CHRISTMAS LETTER, like this week. Like I'm trying to finish a book and edit the SBC and I NEED TO WRITE MY CHRISTMAS LETTER RIGHT NOW AND...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Friday, December 7, 2018

Hair Cuts and Audiobooks

So, the kids and I got haircuts today--and I forgot to get a picture of Squish, but I have to tell you, she was adorable. ZoomBoy and I took selfies to, because I bobbed mine right below my ears. Looks... well, whatever. Looks like hair. I don't have to brush it anymore, that's the thing. Also, to get the inches off, the hairdresser pulled it all to the top of my head and buzzed off my pompom which was hilarious, and that was the thing.

So, eyeballs deep in stuff tonight, trying to send a newsletter, trying to do promo, and do I have a blog post for Christmas Kitsch tomorrow? (Short answer, I DON'T KNOW!) Anyway-- Super short blog post here tonight, but I thought I'd mention that A Fool and His Manny is out on audiobook!

Also, haircut selfies. Because.
ALSO, I thought it worth mentioning that Geoffie is sleeping on not one, not two, but FOR yarn project bags.


Because she can do more damage that way.

*headdesk*


Anyway, have some Fool and His Manny.

A Fool and His Manny-- on Audio
By Amy Lane

Seeing the truth and falling in love.

Dustin Robbins-Grayson was a surly adolescent when Quinlan Gregory started the nanny gig. After a rocky start, he grew into Quinlan’s friend and confidant - and a damned sexy man.

At 21, Dusty sees how Quinlan sacrificed his own life and desires to care for Dusty’s family. He’s ready to claim Quinlan - he’s never met a kinder, more capable, more lovable man. Or a lonelier one. Quinlan has spent his life as the stranger on the edge of the photograph, but Dusty wants Quinlan to be the center of his world. First he has to convince Quinlan he’s an adult, their love is real, and Quinlan can be more than a friend and caregiver. Can he show Quin that he deserves to be both a man and a lover, and that in Dusty’s eyes, he’s never been “just the manny?”






Thursday, December 6, 2018

A Freebie and a re-release

 So, super quick reminder tonight!

The first thing is that I've released this story--which was previously in the Grand Adventures anthology--as a freebie on what is now Prolific Works. You can claim your copy here-- it's a teeny tiny feel good vignette, so enjoy!



Here's the blurb!

A Gentle Shove of Human Kindness

by Amy Lane

Witness the Angel Gabriel.

a.k.a. "Heaven's biggest prick"

Gabriel has been accused of the crime of hubris--and his sentence is to remember why angels protected humans in the first place. A permanent seat at Starbucks might be Gabriel's idea of hell, but it's there that he meets the irrepressible Jamie and wounded Ernie, and realizes that the human race might be worth saving after all.

It just needs a gentle shove of human kindness.

Next, I wanted to let you know that Christmas Kitsch will be re-released on Friday!

A lot of you already have this book, but it's one of my most popular Christmas stories, and it's been re-covered. If you haven't read it yet, your chance is coming!  Enjoy! 

Christmas Kitsch

by Amy Lane



Sometimes the best Christmas gift is knowing what you really want.

Rusty Baker is a rich, entitled, oblivious jock, and he might have stayed that way if he hadn’t become friends with out-and-proud Oliver Campbell from the wrong side of the tracks. When Oliver kisses him goodbye before Rusty leaves for college, Rusty is forced to rethink everything he knows about himself.

But nothing can help Rusty survive a semester at Stanford, and he returns home for Thanksgiving break clinging to the one thing he knows to be true: Oliver is the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Rusty’s parents disagree, and Rusty finds himself homeless for the holidays. But with Oliver’s love and the help of Oliver’s amazing family, Rusty realizes that failing college doesn’t mean he can’t pass real life with flying rainbow colors.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Christmas Flail, Redux!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

So two things happened yesterday!

One was J.P. Barnaby tagged me and said, "Is it too late for Kermit Flail?" And I went "I'm so sorry!!!!" And she said, "That's okay-- you can do it next month!" and I'm SO EXCITED that she's writing again and we SHARE A RELEASE DATE that I thought. "Aw... well, fine. That'll work." I was disappointed.

And then E.J. Russell tagged me and said, "Uh... didn't I have a Kermit Flail?" and I went "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Because you all know I loves E.J. TREMENDOUSLY and I hate to let her down.

So I just decided, hey, it's my blog, and it's Christmas.

KERMIT FLAIL FOR EVERYBODY!!!!

And here we are-- KERMIT FLAIL TUESDAY!!!!

And seriously-- these are two great writers at the top of their game. E.J. writes quirky and sweet, and J.P. writes thoughtful and sad, so no matter what your flavor is, WE'VE GOT IT GOIN' ON!

Happy Holidays everybody--

May every day be the celebration of someone you love.




 Everyday Hero

by E.J. Russell

When Adam Tyler’s sister announced she was pregnant, Adam decided to move from Portland, Oregon, to Phoenix, Arizona, to fully embrace the uncle experience. However, he didn’t count on the move being delayed until three days before Christmas—and three days before his sister’s due date. And he definitely didn’t count on finding a scorpion in his bedroom. Cue the panicked calls to exterminators.

Garrett Strong doesn’t consider himself at all remarkable—his ex certainly didn’t think so—and Garrett’s pest-control business is circling the drain. Although Adam is his first new client in months, that isn’t the only reason Garrett goes above and beyond for him. He feels a real connection to the younger man and intends to do everything in his power to make sure Adam feels safe and welcome in Phoenix—venomous intruders notwithstanding.

A Dreamspinner 2018 Advent Calendar story

Buy Here




Saving Hannah

by J.P. Barnaby


Thomas Aberthol’s luck has run out. His daughter, Hannah, needs a miracle he can’t deliver. A hacker with a felony record, Thomas has little chance of finding work that will provide the care she needs. Out of money, out of options, and out of hope, he throws himself on the mercy of someone he never thought to see again.

Even after ten years, Aleksander Sanna still dreams of that drunken kiss. A perfect moment in time when Thomas wanted him. In his world of elegant code and high finance, the picture he holds of Thomas torments him in the dark of night.

Their worlds collide as Thomas interviews for the job he so desperately needs with the company Aleks inherited from his father. Thomas doesn’t get the position, but Aleks offers him a completely different kind of proposal, one suited to Thomas’s unique talents… one that will change the course of both their lives.

Buy Here

Monday, December 3, 2018

Kermit Flail Christmas!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!

Wow--Happy Holidays you guys, whether it be Hanukah (which starts this evening) or Christmas or Yule or the winter holiday of your choice.

Here's hoping it's a good one--because we have got some stunning choices at Kermit Flail and I can't hardly believe I get to pimp them all!

I want to start with the Code Name: Winger series, by Jeff Adams, because the concept-- a high school student secret agent-- is so, so cool. Jeff (and his husband, Will) are pretty iconic in the gay romance community-- their Big Gay Fiction Podcast is rapidly becoming the go-to place for fiction shout-outs and news, and Jeff and Will are warm and funny and ever so much fun to talk to. But I wanted to pimp Jeff's series, because it looks fun and exciting and action packed--and it features a normal everyday teenager who has trouble balancing being a secret agent and a personal life, and I eat that shit up with a spoon!

So thanks, Jeff, for helping me shout this out to the world--I don't just want to read it myself, I want to order it for my kids. THAT'S how good it looks!








Code Name: Winger

YA Series



High school student. Hockey player. Computer whiz kid. Boyfriend. Covert agent. Theo Reese's life is split between being a normal teenager and Tactical Operational Support agent Winger. After years of being safe behind his keyboard, he's now thrust into the field to protect his family, friends and the world.

Code Name: Winger
Audio Assault


Theo Reese is just like any other seventeen-year-old—with one small exception.

This summer all he wants is to spend time with his boyfriend, Eddie, and work on his MIT research project. His parents have other plans.

An old friend needs the help of Theo’s family. Oliver Glenwood is an ’80s music star who runs his own label. His wife and his daughter, Sofia, now a chart topper herself, are the targets of kidnappers. Oliver hopes they can eliminate whoever is behind the threat.

When Theo uncovers an even more insidious plot, the covert agency the Reeses work for, Tactical Operational Support, swoops into action.

Song files have been modified to steal personal data from devices and emit a tone that drives listeners into a homicidal rage. Theo and his parents race against the clock to stop this mysterious enemy from releasing the music on an unsuspecting populace and causing worldwide chaos.

Just when Theo thinks the mission couldn’t be more complicated, Eddie shows up in New York looking to hang out with his boyfriend.

No one ever said being a teenage secret agent would be easy.


Series Link

Audio Assault on DSP


Next on the list is Edie Montreaux's debut story--and y'all? I'm like all zooming with pride here. About three years ago I was at Yaoi-Con and Edie came to talk to me. She asked if she could "pick my brain" about how I write and I was like, "Sure!" She's a friend of Roget Ratchford, whom I ADORE WITH ALL MY HEART and I'd do anything for Ro-- talk to his friend? Not a problem. Well folks, she was organized. She had a notebook and a list of questions and she was so thoughtful-- I really enjoyed our conversation, and we've followed each other on social media since. And guess what? She took all that research and she wrote her own romance book! I'm like WHEEEEEE!!! This is SUCH A RUSH!!! It's like the greatest thank you card ever, that she took that conversation and used it and here it is-- HER romance story! Come check it out!


Spread Your Wings
by Edie Montreaux


Spread Your Wings is the tale of Sammy Connelly’s first job as a CNN Correspondent in Sarajevo in February 1992. The job and rising tensions in Sarajevo do little to calm Sammy’s nerves before the biggest concert of his lifetime: The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert. One of the hotel clerks, Mustafa, helps Sammy with a health scare and distracts him from the war. When Mustafa ends up in the hospital as a casualty of war, Sammy knows he’s got to get him to London, and home to Atlanta, if Mustafa will go. Along the way, they experience the largest celebrity tribute concert of our time and find “Somebody to Love.”


Buy at MLR



And next on our list is Kim Fielding, with Summerfield's Angel-- And the super cool thing about THIS story is A. Kim gives the proceeds of her self-published work to Doctors Without Borders because she's A.MA.ZING. and B. She got together with some FANTASTIC writers to put out an anthology of individually published work! Here's her website link about THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL-- come check it out--writers like L.A. Witt and R.J. Scott and Kim herself and so many more contributed to this. SO worth it!


Summerfield's Angel

by Kim Fielding



After the hard winter of 1888 ended Alby Boyle’s work as a Nebraska ranch hand, he returned to New York City in search of his long-lost family. His mother and brothers are nowhere to be found, however, and after Alby’s years of absence, Five Corners no longer feels like home. His prospects seem as dim as the nighttime alleys.

When Alby pauses to admire an angel ornament in a department store window’s Christmas display, he meets Xeno Varnham-Summerfield. Wealthy, handsome, and enthusiastic, Xeno brings Alby some temporary cheer. But for Alby to achieve his dreams of love and a real home, well, that may take a bit of holiday magic.

Buy on Amazon

Now Ellis Carrington is a very gifted writer--but she's also a very awesome friend. She writes this amazingly erotic, quirky romance, and at the same time she sends me very quirky, dry mom-memes that make my day to day SO much easier to bear. When I saw she had a new release out I HOUNDED her to put it on Kermit Flail, and because she loves me, here it is! Not Chrismtassy--but very July in December, and we all need a little bit of that!


Total Immersion

by Ellis Carrington

A college study abroad trip goes bad fast when Evan's boyfriend dumps him right before takeoff. Last thing he wants is to make nice with the preppy stranger on the plane who won't leave him alone.

Sweltering days, a shared hotel room, and embarrassing adult toy mishaps lead to an unexpected friendship. They couldn't possibly have less in common. A fact that matters less and less when they're thousands of miles from anyone they know.

Turns out Bale wants to be more than friends with Evan. A lot more. Too bad Evan doesn't believe he's telling the truth.



So Jaime Samms is a friend of mine and a very talented writer, and I was so delighted when I saw she had a new release. I was also warmed when I saw the note she wanted posted with her Flail--and since it's the holidays and we all need a little warming, I thought I'd post it here:

"I love that Amy does this every month. It's such a wonderful chance for us authors, and for readers to find new-to-you authors. I'm super excited about this book, since Dragons! and I'm just a big kid at heart, sometimes :) Thanks Amy!"

You're welcome, Jaime-- I really love doing this every month. It gives me a chance to connect with my fellow authors and help them celebrate their amazing talent and share it with as many people as I can. I'm always so grateful when people send me things to post--it means I get to throw a little party in my friends' honor! YAYAYAY!




Sunshine in the Dragon's Heart

Jaime Samms

When Sunny retires to the northern Ontario wilderness to mourn his parents’ deaths, he’s hoping the change of scenery will afford him some peace and quiet.

His hopes are soon spectacularly dashed.

In self-imposed exile, dragon Emile runs across the Fold between his dimension and Sunny’s—and right into Sunny’s arms. Centuries out of touch with human culture, bright, beautiful Emile incinerates any hope Sunny had for an ordinary existence. With dryads and water sprites coming to life all around them, Sunny can’t deny the magic Emile brings to his life—or his heart. But that same magic leads the unrelenting dragon who would keep Emile captive right to them. To save his love, Sunny will have to reach deep and find some magic of his own.

So this next one is... damn.  

I'm like so honored to get to host it.  

Tere Michaels is one of the first people in this genre to write everyday people and to take them seriously and to make it possible that a cop or a security expert or your neighbor might be gay or bisexual and that their story is just as beautiful as anybody else's. 

Faith and Fidelity is an iconic book, and over the ten years since it's release, Tere has never let the story die. This is the final release in the seres--a wrap up of all the characters we've loved so hard for so long. I'm pleased to announce Forever and Ever by Tere Michaels will come out from DSP this month.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

Forever and Ever

by Tere Michaels


A Faith, Love & Devotion Anthology

What happens after the story ends?

Join Matt, Evan, Jim, Griffin, and their friends and families for a glimpse of what happens after happily ever after. Between growing up and growing pains, weddings and retirement, changing careers and changing diapers, life is never boring. Changes, decisions, tears, and joy await as the years march on.

Buy at DS


OH!

And then there's me :-)

I have two releases this month. Christmas Kitsch is a re-release--it has a new cover, but not much has changed on the inside, which I think pleases the people who loved it the most and there does seem to be a lot of them. I'm so proud to have this story out under Dreamspinner now. It's always been one of my favorites and DSP is my favorite home.

Below THAT is this year's Christmas story, Homebird. 

Sometimes writing a story is building a dollhouse, detail by detail, moment by moment, everything is carefully crafted and put in its place.

But sometimes it's like hitting a perfect chord in one go. You assemble all the ingredients in your head, play your instrument, and AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH... You can hear it in your head. All the elements. It's exactly how you wanted it to be.

Christmas Kitsch was like that-- and so was Homebird. I really love both these stories, and while neither of them concentrate so much on the holiday as they do on the people, for me they will never cease to fill me with the sort of joy and contentment that I want to give people when I write a holiday story.

So I hope--whatever your holiday-- that you find your joy and contentment and your perfect chord.

And I really hope you enjoy your reading!

Happy Holidays!

Amy

Christmas Kitsch

by Amy Lane

Sometimes the best Christmas gift is knowing what you really want.

Rusty Baker is a rich, entitled, oblivious jock, and he might have stayed that way if he hadn’t become friends with out-and-proud Oliver Campbell from the wrong side of the tracks. When Oliver kisses him goodbye before Rusty leaves for college, Rusty is forced to rethink everything he knows about himself.

But nothing can help Rusty survive a semester at Stanford, and he returns home for Thanksgiving break clinging to the one thing he knows to be true: Oliver is the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Rusty’s parents disagree, and Rusty finds himself homeless for the holidays. But with Oliver’s love and the help of Oliver’s amazing family, Rusty realizes that failing college doesn’t mean he can’t pass real life with flying rainbow colors.



Homebird 

by Amy Lane



Crispin Henry isn’t an adventurer. He learned early on that the world is a frightening place and that home is rare and precious. If his friends didn’t drag him to sports games and ill-advised trips to Vegas, he wouldn’t get out at all—and his trip to Munich for Oktoberfest is no exception. But it’s there that he meets Luka Gabriel, and he learns to take a chance.

Luka is a free-spirited world traveler, working at Oktoberfest to feed his enchantment with new places and new people. His only possessions fit in his backpack, and he depends on the kindness of strangers for a place to sleep. Crispin should know better—but he takes Luka’s hand anyway, and together they turn three nights in Munich into the relationship neither of them has been brave enough to risk—and neither can let go of.

When Luka turns up on Crispin’s doorstep before the holiday season, Crispin takes him in on hope alone. Yes, he knows the odds are good Luka will flutter out of his life again and leave him bereft, but isn’t it worth it to see if Luka is a homebird after all?





Alpaca Wool Underwear


Okay--so our winters here are usually pretty temperate--I admit that.

But we do live within 45 minutes of the Sierra Nevadas, and the snow line.

In fact, Foresthill, where Green's Hill is fictionally located, is RIGHT ON the snow line.

So, Squish had three games there this weekend, in all flavors of winter.

There was the first game, on a snowy field that you had to scrape to see the lines. 

There was the second game on the same field, but during the freezing sleeting rain--you could see the lines, but brrrrr...

And there was the third game under the bright, crisp sunshine in the 30 F cold.

I can't tell you which of these games she hated more or which one was harder to sit through--but I know that THE ENTIRE FAMILY'S CORE TEMPERATURE has BARELY returned to normal.

And this picture, taken with me knitting with Gibbs on my chest last night was wonderful only because I had one dog on my chest and one on my lap and they were like little furry boob warmers, and since I'd almost frozen my tits off, that was a GO.

Also, as I said to my friend Greg, who got the gray and purple hat and mitts I showed here the other day, after spending the weekend experiencing REAL winter (and not even deep winter at that) I wanted to knit ALL of my friends in the northeast and midwest some alpaca/wool long underwear. 

Because baby, that was cold outside.



Thursday, November 29, 2018

Challenge Accepted-- well, a little

So, I'll be honest.

I gave up with the GIANT CHRISTMAS KNITTING QUEUE about six years ago.

The people I love get knitwear when they ask for it, I'm always working on something and I'll give it to them when I'm done.

But as this Christmas approached I had... urges. Unholy, unhealthy, inescapable urges.

I wanted to KNIT for people.

People I hadn't knit for before. Or hadn't knit for in a long time. Or just... people. *gestures vaguely* I'll be honest--it might have been ZoomBoy asking me to knit the Infinity Mitten for him, but I have a BIG cache of patterns so it might have been building for a while.

Anyway--

This pattern-- Incognito, found on Knitty-- is one of those things I wanted to knit for a friend. This one's for a specific friend, but if I can overcome my aversion to duplicate stitch and sewing (and there's a LOT of it in this pattern!) I may make a couple of them for other friends.

I don't know what to tell you. The mustache... OMG the mustache.

Anyway... Blogging may possibly become a little spottier as this urge continues... but I promise to post pictures.

BTW? This mustache is called "Snidely"-- there are two other types on the pattern-- Buckaroo and Poirot.

I gotta tell you, knitting as a warm, squishy, hilarious joke is one of my favorite things :-)

Also? Squish told me she wants one with an entire cartoon face on it. I told her she had to create the graph. I think she's thinking about it.

So there you go.

The evil urges of knitting for Christmas.

May Goddess save my soul-- preferably before 4 a.m. Christmas morning as I'm trying to crochet a doll and a complete set of clothes for it before the kids get up for Christmas.

Yes, I've done that before.

No, I don't still have the dolls.

But I must tell you--  Big T's doll looked so much like him as a kid, I put one of his old onesies on it. He loved it. It was adorable.

*sigh*

Yeah. I'mma need a wake up call. Hopefully when I'm done with the rest of these Incognito cowls...

Scuse me--I'm running away to knit.


Wednesday, November 28, 2018

I'm Writing

Oh God the laundry... I can get to it... but my characters... but I'm writing.

The kids are talking in the car and I don't hear them.

I'm writing.

That e-mail is pretty important... that newsletter... that blog post...

I'm writing.

But shouldn't you be planning dinner? Christmas? Oh my God, have you even thought of shopping?

I"m writing.

Mom! Are you coming to pick me up???

On my way! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

I'm writing!

Oh, there's that edit I've been talking about...I'm on it... I'm reading it... wait--I forgot that part where my people do--

Oh Jesus, am I writing again?

I'm writing.

And even when I'm not at my keyboard...

On my walk,

In the car,

Doing dishes,

Cooking dinner...

I'm writing.

They're in my head--they have more to say--can't you hear them?

Can't you see?

They're fighting and fucking and fooling around and they're just so real--

Here... Let me show you.

I'm writing.


Tuesday, November 27, 2018

ZoomBoy's rabbit hole...

I got a long, sad hug from ZoomBoy today, and I kept it going as long as I could, until my shoulder went to sleep because boy has bones like razor blades.

He fell down a music rabbit hole and ended up at "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel, looking up all of the political events that started it.

"Mom, I know this is a sad question, but has there ever been a time when mankind was not at war?"

Fuck.

"No. In fact, when you read the Christian myths, you'll see that Adam took a bite of the apple of knowledge and was cast out of Eden-- it essentially means that once you have free will and knowledge of the world, you can't escape conflict."

"Never?"

"No, honey. It's why Puritans taught, 'In Adam's fall sinned all.'  I mean they interpreted it to mean that we're all damned because we're evil, but I think it was more basic and less black and white than that. It means that once men have knowledge and free will, doing the right thing--and deciding what is right--gets harder and harder. And it's scary. I'm sorry."

He hugged me harder.

"This scares me too."  Oh God, does it. Have you lOOKED outside? Have we SEEN what our vile, corrupt, ignorant, syphilitic turd of a governing body has been doing to our world? Jebus fucking Christmas. And the puckered angry white men who think that's okay-- I am constantly angry. Anyway, I needed to give my kid hope. "The thing I keep reminding myself is that the small kindnesses we do matter. We can't control the actions of corrupt and powerful assholes who want us all dead. But we can be kind to the people in our lives, no matter how small. We can take whatever power we have and use it for good. "

"Yeah."

"Also, we can listen to Springsteen for a while-- he believes in redemption."

"Yeah! He does! Okay! I'll do that!"

So there you go. Small kindnesses and Springsteen. I won't tell him that I cry in the car a lot out of fear for my children, for their generation. The kids have both learned about "duck and cover" in the last couple of years at school, and I told them that yeah, I had nuclear bomb drills when I was a kid.

"But that's so stupid! It wouldn't do any good! You'd be dead."

"Yup."

"So what's the use of having the drill?"

"You can plan how to make yourself right in your heart if it ever happens."

"What would YOU do?"

"Well, I'd try to get us all home. So we could sit and talk and hug and tell stupid stories until we couldn't anymore."

"That's a good plan. We like that plan."

I don't tell them I hate that plan. I would rather plan to die old and happy and know they were living good lives in a better world.

But you have to tell your children what will give them peace. They're smart, my kids. They see the news. They see Mate and I trying not to fall into anger and despair.

Our plan has always been each other. It's still a good plan. It's the best comfort we can give.

Also, Springsteen. Can't hurt.

Monday, November 26, 2018

Leftovers

Okay, so for starters I made turkey + gravy w/mashed potatoes for dinner, and set the turkey carcass to slow cook for soup tomorrow.

*happy sigh*

Boy, do I love leftovers.

I also, I confess, have a thing for yarn leftovers.

The red and white hat (which is NOT color true at all because the couch is oxblood and we have zero creditable light sources in our house right now) I made with these two random balls of chunky yarn that was just sort of hanging around my stash. I kept looking at it thinking, "Uh... I have no idea what I'm going to do with this..."

JUST enough for the hat and the ragged floof ball on top.

It looks like a candy cane.

It doesn't have a destination yet, but I'm pretty sure by the time I'm done with this year's crafting I'll find one. btw-- the yarn is a multi-ply 50% wool, 50% acrylic-- I used the original yarn for a blanket for Chicken, because I got it on sale. Did the whole thing in K1, P1 rib and while it made me want to slit my wrist with monotony, the blanket is still on her bed and doing very well.

The little gray set...

Not so much a leftover, but a repurpose. The original batch of yarn was meant for a big poncho that I never got to, with several gradations of dark purple fading to light purple fading to gray. And then I used a skein of the purple tweed for socks, and then a skein of gray for mitts for a guy, and then I got a request for the same thing in gray again.

And I kept hearing Nathan Lane in the back of my head--that quote from BirdCage. "It does want but a hint of color."

So I broke out that gray purple and went to town.

And there was enough of both for the hat.

So I'm feeling very smug about leftovers right now. Seems very thrifty, right? Very, very thrifty...

Sh... don't tell anybody, but I have SO MUCH RAW YARN in my house right now, I could knit a hat a day for the rest of my life in any color, and there would still be boxes of it left when I die.

But the illusion of thrift...

We take our props where we can.

And I have to add here-- you may notice the gray mitt/hat set on the back of the couch. I have to admit, I had a sad little moment there. I set it up to block and thought, "Well, I don't know why I'm spending so much time making sure it's straight--Gordie's gonna come sleep on it almost immediately."

Damn cat hated me, but he loved my knitting, and not having him come make sweet lurve to my blocking knitwear is pretty damned sad.

Fucking cat.