Dear Crazy Twat...

To the woman who chased me off her yard with a garden hose this morning--

First of all: I'm sorry my dog crapped on your lawn. As a dog owner yourself you should know that when their backs bow and they squat, there is NO GOING BACK from that.

Second of all: I had the plastic bag in my hand and was stooping to initiate cleanup as you came running out of the house screaming at me.

Third of all: Since my dog tends to go when he gets to the top of that hill, I have talked to your husband and asked if I could use the hose to wash off whatever was left after cleanup. I don't like leaving dog poop around, it's rude. He seemed to feel that was fine--he even thanked me for my consideration.

Fourth?: You were screaming at me about my dogs giving your puppy parvo. You seemed really upset, and I haven't seen your older dog around. If your older dog has died of parvo, I'm so sorry. I would hate to lose any of my pets, and I don't wish that on anybody, even the woman shrieking obscenities at me in the middle of the street.

Fifth: Why didn't your older dog have a parvo vaccine?

Sixth: You know, not to be a bitch (but since you called me that several times, why not?) your dog wandered the neighborhood WITHOUT A LEASH on a regular basis. Did you think he just doesn't poop at all?

Seventh: Since you CHASED ME OFF YOUR LAWN WITH A GARDEN HOSE I found you screaming for me to "Come back here bitch and clean your fuckin' mess!" to be particularly irony laden. I'm not sure you're an irony kind of gal, though, so I'll keep that observation to myself.

Eighth: I may have grown a little testy at this point. If I offended any of the neighbors by screaming, "BITCH, I fuckin' OFFERED to clean that shit up!" I do apologize.

Ninth: Given that I am, in your words, a "Fuckin' fat lazy bitch", and you DO see me waddling my dogs around the neighborhood every day, I think it's safe to say I'm not the kind of fat lazy bitch who neglects my dogs. MY DOGS are UP TO DATE on their vaccinations, and I think that's important to know.

Tenth of all: I have to admit, if this was going to be the one time I didn't get to clean up my dog's crap, this was an awesome day for it. I couldn't have covered your lawn more thoroughly if I'd picked that little bastard up, squeezed his middle, and pointed his ass like a tommy gun. I mean, I was thinking "This is going to be a two bag job!" when you came hauling ass out of the house with your garden hose full of crazy.  So, uh, thank you. The little one barely leaves rabbit raisins--you picked a good poop to clean up, if you were looking for the whole "Holy God, this dog isn't that big!" experience.

*whew*

And last of all-- I think you should know that when I came home and told my husband this, his first instinct was to blame the Russian traitor in the White House. Since--given your bumper stickers-- I'm pretty sure you voted for the guy, you should probably be proud. You are a fine example of your leaders: Crazy, ignorant, mean, and seriously--only hurting your fucking self.

Sincerely,

The Fuckin' Fat Lazy Bitch