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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Letters to the World

Okay-- Mary Calmes has reminded me that it is time for "Letters to the World".  Now, some of these letters are very freaking sincere, and others are, well, a wee bit snarky.  I'm going to start off with the sincere one, because it makes me proud, and then I'm going to snark my heart out.

Okay-- are you ready for sincere?

Here's really damned sincere:

Dear volunteer translating crew of Vulnerable-- 

I am overwhelmed.  You took on the task of translating my first published story-- warts and all-- for the sheer love of what you were doing.  You each picked a chapter and went for it, and then gave it to me to publish.  At first, I was reluctant-- it felt as though you'd done all the work, including pick out and purchase this gorgeous cover for me, but you all, in your generosity, told me it was okay.  You enjoyed the work.  You wanted people to read this book and see your work on your resumes.  And you wanted my work to be seen.

What you've done speaks to so much that I believe about literature-- even genre fiction-- and about how it is universal, and how it speaks to people and not academics, and how it is important to our voices as human beings.  I'm honored to have been your translation project, and I'm thrilled to introduce your work to the world.  Thank you, a million times a million-- I cannot possibly find words for you.  I have been difficult to reach, and tardy in my responses-- much of that was my unfamiliarity for what I was doing, and a plethora of other things crushing in my head.  But part of that was the feeling that I had nothing to offer you besides this story, and I was humbled by your work.      

Thank you so much.  I'm so proud to announce this to the world--

Vulnerable, by Amy Lane.  The Italian Translation.  Now available on Kindle.

Sincerely, all of you,

Amy Lane


*whew*  Okay-- that was sincere and heart felt.  Are you ready for the snark?

Here we go:

Dear parent who blocked traffic in two directions in front of my children's school for five minutes right before the bell rang--
I have no words.

People were pulling AROUND you going too fast in a school zone while you endeavored to get your shit together.

And then you LET YOUR KIDS OUT ON THE STREET ANYWAY.

You frighten me.

Stay off the street.

I'll cutabitch.

No love--

Me.

Aherm-- okay, that needed to be said.  And this one too--

Dear fanatics of health food and the food bullet--

Did you know whey protein is BINDING, no matter how much fruit, spinach, and carrots you chop up with it?

You couldn't warn me, for sweet hell's sake?

I would have stocked up on dulcolax, and made sure there were lots of peaches in that weight loss smoothie-- not to mention bought more freakin' toilet paper, thank you very much.  Dudes.  Nobody could mention this?

Yeah.  You owe me an apology.

Could you hand me a novel when you come by with that?  And if you really loved me, you'd bring another pack of Charmin.

Grumpy and irritated,

Me

Dear family--

In no particular order--

Zoomboy, No.  Tupperware isn't a new form of fancy knitting.

Mate, everyone loves your fudge.  Stop gloating and start planning next year's batch-- you need to top this!

Big T-- you're twenty-one, but if you want to drink some of mom's wine, you have to bring a bottle to the table.  Just saying.  Simple matters.

Squish--when you wrap my scarf around your neck and wear a T-shirt over that poet's skirt, you look like a very short middle-aged woman from behind.  I don't know how this happened.  Was it the ugh boots?  Was it the simple peasant's braid?  Was it your sturdy walk?  I cannot say, but you do my people proud.

Chicken-- A., we'll miss you when you leave tomorrow.  B.  Just because your brother sings "Frankenstein is on your side!" to the Nationwide jingle, that does NOT make him weird.  It just makes him pop-culture saturated.  I'm saying.

I love you all with all my heart--

Mom


Dear veterinarian people,

I appreciate that you love my cat, and that you think she's freaking hilarious,  but telling me that she's a cheap drunk really made me mad.  She never puts out like that for ME. But I guess it's not your fault she only one-offs me in the bathroom.  *sigh*  And you're really nice to her.  

Slightly jealous, but still loving you!

Steve's food delivery service



Dear Rain Gods of California--

I'm not sure why you're pissed at us, but I'd blow you if you'd jizz water on California's bosoms.  I could probably get my entire block to do the same-- male, female, we don't care, we will put out for some frickin' water this winter!

Call us!

The central valley and Sierra-Nevada


-- 

And now for my final letter, which is very very sincere--

Dear Andrew Grey-- 

I so appreciate your offer to come blog for me on Wednesday, January 15th, to talk about your new book Dumped in Oz.  You are a darling man and a dear friend and I can't wait to see what you have to say!  You can stop by my odd and eclectic digs any time!

Love you!

Amy







4 comments:

Carolyne Kleinman said...

Hey Amy hun....
Health food colonic curses can be counteracted...5 lb. bag of Haribo sugar-free Gummy Bears. 30 pages of commentary and review on the Amazon site can't be wrong, right??

Carolyne Kleinman said...

Hey Amy!!!

Health food colonic curses can be counteracted by consumption of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears....Seriously! 30 pages of commentary and reviews on Amazon can't be wrong, right?

Donna Lee said...

And now I will sing "Frankenstein is on your side" most of the day and people will ask why I'm smiling....

We are having an entirely too wet winter and I will gladly send some of the rain your way. No need to get up close and very personal with the rain goddess.

Petie said...

I have a solution for your toilet paper problem :)

http://bluelunacy.blogspot.com/2006/10/no-more-toilet-paper.html

This seems to be a common items in Asian countries (I live in Bangkok, Thailand. The Japanese had their own version which I highly appreciated when I had a lay over at Narita airport. I also had a layover at Doha airport once, they also had this installed).