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Monday, November 26, 2007

The 300?

I wanted to do something big and nutty for my 300th post--you know, a contest or some sort of deeply introspective and brilliantly pondering work that would make the bells of humanity tone foreverandevermore amen.

But really? I'm not in that sort of mood. About the only thing I have to report is that I'm not a total mean-assed wank-bitch, as I thought I might be.

You know that phrase, "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy?" Well, it turns out that I apparently am very sincere about it. It seems the grand royal prickweenie is sick--he's been sick on and off for a year, and instead of handing his post to someone else for a while, or staying at home and getting better, he has invested his energy in what we have come to term "Seagull management"--you know, when someone comes in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over you, and then leaves? (My husband got the phrase from Intel, but it applies here.) And for the most part, I looked forward to Prickweenie's hiatuses from work with a sort of mingled relief...I mean, I was glad he was gone, but not so happy that he had to be in excruciating pain to go away. And today, as a colleague who works closely with the Prickweenie described his symptoms, I had a moment of conflict. "Yay--he's going to be gone for the next month...wait...wait...ugh. NO. Not happy. Truly." It was an epiphany--I had nothing but negative feelings aimed at this person for so very long that I hadn't really thought well enough of myself to quite believe it. But it's true. I REALLY WOULDN'T WISH PAIN AND SUFFERING ON MY WORST ENEMY. Shit. What kind of bad-ass am I? I can't even bring myself to make a good karma/bad karma platitude. I just feel for the guy, period, the end. Well Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Prickweenies--I'm not a bitch and he's not Satan and where the hell are we now?

I'll tell you where we are--we're in a world where two kids who were supposed to be friends are, in a flash, ready to throw down for real because one of them grabbed my car keys and pretended to throw down in fun. We're in a world where my best kids are my worst talkers, my smartest kids have the worst grades, and the things I think are the most important to teach are the things that I'm supposed to ignore because I can't quantify them.

I'm teaching in California--I'm obviously in hell.

Except when I"m writing. When I'm writing, the world makes sense--when I'm blogging, I'm not a bad person. When I'm crafting fiction, there is a circular and harmonic resonance in the world that reality seems to lack--I've always said I've seen the divine in fiction: there are patterns we put in there, both on purpose and coincidentally that give order to the text, and it seems as though if we, as flawed humans, can do that in writing, then a cosmic consciousness would have no problem doing that in the world as a whole.

I sometimes ask myself if I shouldn't give up writing--blogging, fiction, whatever. I ask myself if the cost to my family and my career aren't too great to bear. But today, when blogging, I realized I wasn't a bad person (well, not entirely, anyway.) And John Gardner didn't call the poet a 'bard' or a 'scops' in Grendel--he called him a 'shaper', because his sounds shaped the world.

So maybe there's something sublime to say in my 300th post after all. Maybe all this introspective crap has been my winding consciousness finding its way to something I suspect you all knew.

300 is not such a big number after all. I can talk WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY more than this.

Manana!

7 comments:

gemma said...

Congratulations on 300!!!! And I never believed bad things about you, you sound like you're all bark chick!
Gemma

KnitTech said...

Happy 300! I'm sure you could have used more muscles and Scottish accents.

Roxie said...

It wasn't the man you were wishing badness on. It was his meanness and pettyness. I bet he's much easier to be around when he's not sick and in pain. God knows I am. Let's all ask the universe to keep him home till he's well and to provide someone benign in the meantime.

congratulations on the 300th! Good post.

One of our local pundits is talking about a complaint choir. People get together and sing out their complaints in four-part harmony. She is asking people to send in their complaints so she can write the music for them. Want her e-address?

Donna Lee said...

I have to laugh at the idea of a complaint choir. At work, we have people wearing pink plastic bracelets that say "no complaints" or some such thing on them. You start out with it on your left wrist and after 7 days (or 21, I'm not sure) of no complaining or snarky comments, you get to move it to your right wrist. If you complain even once or notice that one of your coworkers is having a bad hair day, back onto the left wrist it goes. I happen to think that complaining is a universal right and I'm not giving it up for anyone. One of our administrators is a great proponent of this. I can't wait to tell her that it a bunch of baloney. If you want people to stop complaining, just listen to the complaints and DO something to help out.

TinkingBell said...

Happy 300th!!! Can't talk - editing!!!

Louiz said...

Happy 300th! May there be many more.

Galad said...

Wow 300 and I can't manage one every couple of weeks. Congrats and please keep writing!