Oh, Guess What I Can Do?

Now, I know this is going to come as a surprise to some of you, because I don't post about it that much, especially lately, but sometime in the last ten years (get this!) I. Have Learned. To KNIT!!!

Now don't let it shock you or anything--and I know you won't really believe it until you see it, so, to that end (are you sitting down?) I. Have. Pictures. Really--pictures of knitting, on the internet. Be still our beating hearts.

Of course, the pictures are pretty crappy, because the Cave Troll took them... (at least I'd like to pretend he did--it's no secret I have the most craptacular pictures on the internet) but you can see that, besides the self-striping vanilla socks that have been my stand-by stoplight project for almost a year (if you count the better part of a pair that got stolen with my i-Pod), I have indulged in an orgy of casting on...but first, a word from my pushers...I mean enablers...I mean dear, dear internet friends who have sent me yarn from afarn...(No, that doesn't really work, does it...) Anyway...

To the left front of the chair you will see a wound skein of Queasy Iguana and an unwound skein of STR in Monsoon, both from Rae, who, in a green word, ROCKS OUT LOUD. The Queasy Iguana (dyed by our Samurai, of course) is going to be my next CO--Chicken has asked for fingerless mitts, and I aim to please.(It's too bad they're going to end up in her closet or as rat-bedding, but at least I can say I made them, right? Oh yes...we do have another future addition to the rodent graveyard--but since Lullaby is a very sweet rat, who has shown no inclination to pick our noses or bit our toes--behavior other, more deceased rats have exhibited--we are not going to mention her final resting place out loud.)

To the right, on the side of the chair, you will see that our very own Needletart has, in addition to the EXCELLENT picture of Cory's tattoo (which I'm going to frame and hang in the place of Peja Stojakowicz, who no longer plays for Sacramento), and a skein of pima cotton so gorgeously green that I'd swear my main character was named after THAT YARN, and not the color found in nature, also sent me one of her wonderful sock kit bags--with a little emergency knitting kit that is just perfectly DARLING...it includes a measuring tape (on the side of the bag) a crochet hook, little scissors, and a...dollar bill? When I asked her what the dollar bill was for, she told me that it was a measuring device for socks--I assume for when to start the heel, which I thought was completely ingenious! And, of course, if the sock isn't working out, it will buy chocolate, which is also ingenious!!!

Thank you, my dearest of internet friends--I'm like a little kid when I get your packages--I can not tell you enough how much your kindness (and sense of humor) has enriched my life.

Now, you are wondering, what in the Sam Hill is the rest of that shit? (Hey--I have to keep that R rating, right?)

Anyway, I have, in my typical summer Cast-On orgy, begun a number of projects--now I always finish these, but some of you may remember the dress I cast on in August that I cast-off in April... it will take a while...

So we have...to the very very left, a pair of socks from the Nancy Bush book 'Traveling Socks'--they are done in Mountain Colors, Mountain Goat--I highly recommend it. It's like knitting with the wool equivalent of swiss dark chocolate...I actually had to put them away because I just stopped and got hypnotized by the wool. Right above those are, you guessed it, Monkey Socks, done in Claudia's HandPaints--colorway, 'A Walk In The Woods'--and, again, I'm besotted. Then there are the self-striping vanilla socks (which I must finish because I'm beginning to loathe them, just because they've been around for so long) and, in the middle... an alligator sweater for the Cave Troll. I'm designing it myself, and I'm so thrilled with the way the colorway worked out that I'm pretty unliveable when I work on it. (See that purple, dear? It matches the purple in the variegated...doesn't he look like he's swimming in his own little swamp? Doesn't he dear? Why, I'm just damned good, really...) Now you understand what I mean--hubris like that is gonna get me bitch-slapped by the knitting Goddess, but good... but that's okay, because the back of those alligators is a rookie nightmare of weave-ins and floats that are too damned long... let's just call them my little bow to my own humanity and leave it at that.

All that, and a scarf that's 1/2 done (I guess I'm saving the other 1/2 until Christmas) and you see that, yes, I can still retain the word "knitting" on the blog. My favorite LYS enabler will be so proud:-O)

If I'd a had some yarn porn, it would have been an X!

Mingle² - Online Dating

Lost...

Okay, whoever said "Survival is a series of near misses," should be shot at--and missed, of course. As long as they hear the bullet whoosh by their ears taking a little hair with it, being missed and having to live with the wet pants and the Niagara Falls heart is the entire point.

To totally freak you out, my least painful near-miss of the day was the 45 pages of text I've written in the last week--yes, 45 pages--that I thought my computer just swallowed and shit out as a low-rad radiation burst. When the Yarn Harlot talks about 'black spots in front of her eyes' and 'have me a little lay down on the kitchen floor' that just ain't bullshit and chocolate sauce, that's literally what it feels like... those 45 pages were some of the most painful, the most intense I've ever written (and yes, even that horrible event, the one no one talks about at the end of the first book, that counts!) and the thought of having to live through that again was like... it was like having to go back to my best freind's funeral in the seventh grade, that's what it was like, and I didn't think I could do. I honestly saw all five-hundred pages (so far) of the entire book being put into storage while I went back to the Cory-verse and licked my wounds.

So now you're all asking what in the name of Honor, Compassion, and Joy could top that little almost-disaster?

I'll give you four guesses...odds are, you only need one because he's done it to me before, on this very blog.

The Cave Troll. Holy Goddess, my sweet little Cave Troll went missing in Wal-Mart today, and...

And I did not keep my cool. I'm famous for keeping my cool--no shit. We lost chicken when she was six at the San Francisco Zoo--my friend said, "It was awesome, man--you sent the boys on a search pattern, you sent me on sweep, and you went off on the weird-ass tangent that she was most likely to follow and you found her!" Of course, my panties had a very bad day that day, but my friend didn't need to know that. When we lost Cave Troll at Monterey Bay Aquarium, I kept my cool. I sent Mate one way, the older kids the other way, and we all met at the information booth downstairs, where he was drawing pictures. Another bad day for the panties, another day where mom looks like she's tough as nails.

Today I lost that whole rep for keeping my cool. I can't explain it. Maybe it's because I hate Wal-Mart. Maybe it's because I hate THIS Wal-Mart--it's the Wal-Mart near where I work, and it could be I just have a mucking buckload of crap feelings for the area because I hate my school with the burning passion of a thousand suns. (I expect this feeling to fade by August. Really.) All I really know is, the minute I saw the little badger hauling ass for the electronics department with his usually on-the-ball sister NOWHERE NEAR him, my stomach dropped to my bowels, my bowels turned to water, and my internal panic alarm began to deafen all reason. When I went up to the customer service people to have them help me, the greeter had found him.

He was wandering outside as she snagged him.

When he saw me, he ran up and I picked him up and hugged him fiercely, and he smiled at me--"Mom, I was lost!"

And I burst into tears--not 'Oh thank God!' tears, more like, "Oh, Holy Heaven, I know you almost let the big bad happen to me and I can only sob in relief" tears, and suddenly he wasn't smiling anymore. Cave Troll ain't stupid--he knew that mom was UPSET, all in capital letters, and that running away from his sister was a baaaaaaaaad thing to do. And all I could do was hold him and cry.

And again, I can't explain it. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe it was the familiar surroundings--bad things have happened to me in this community. Sometimes the people are the best in the world, and, as I learned this year, sometimes they are the type of people who will let a toddler wander into traffic while they sneer at the parent who let him get away.

But that wasn't who they were today, and I can only be grateful.

Now excuse me, I seem to have soiled my armor.

Don't Talk To Me...I'm Not Communicating Right Now...

I actually said those words to my son yesterday--I felt bad, but I'd just finished not one but two papers for my on-line classes, and more 'reflection' was not on my to-do list. Hell, it wasn't even on my 'able-to-do' list. And to that end, I'm going to postpone the 'blog retrospect' meme that I got tagged with. It's not that I don't want to answer the questions, it's just that, right now, I don't want to answer the questions. Too much introspection makes Amy a very cranky bitch, thank you very much.

Part of it is that I'm working on a really intense part of Bitter Moon right now...I'm loving this chapter so much I'm tempted to post it, but...but it's really intense. I'm there a lot in my head, and it's sort of a freaky place to be right now--being in my head as I ponder how I've matured over this last year as a writer...let's just say, "Oy!"

I'd rather talk about Ladybug instead.

Ladybug his starting to talk--in fact, she's starting to talk on the telephone. Yesterday, we heard the following side of her conversation:

"HIiii....uhm...ooozah...oozah ezah, whuzza...uh-huh...no. Me. Izzah. Byeeeeee...."

We thought that was really cute until we pressed 'off' on the phone and realized she'd pressed 'talk' before she had that conversation. Goddess knows, whoever she was talking to, that was probably swear words in their language.

One of her other words is "kweeta". At first we thought that this was short for 'Chiquita', the dog, and we were proud. Then she started saying it to the cat, and we thought that she had confused Chiquita's name with 'kitty' and we were even more proud. Then she started saying it to her brother, and we realized that it meant 'come here'. And we laughed our asses off.

And for her final trick, Ladybug can announce ownership. "Me. Me. Me." You know what that means? It means "Mine. Mine. Mine, give it to me, or I will emit a piercing wail that will create bleeding in your ears and confusion among small animals. Do I give a shit if it's a chainsaw? I think not." She can throw herself on the bed in the accompanying gesture of "I hate you all and I'm going to run off and sleep with a gangsta-rap-band roadie now just to spite you." We are glad she has all of the appropriate family genes, but since we've seen this pose before with Chicken, we are unimpressed.

I've sent out several packages--one to a guy in Texas who's probably going to rip my book to shreds, one to a guy in Texas who adores my books and is going to market them in July, and one to a friend who should be getting hers today. I love doing this--it makes me feel like I have something to look forward to, when they say, "Thank you, I got it!" It does make your day a little brighter yes?

Lookie lookie lookie...

OKay, you have to rotate it 90 degrees, so it's vertical instead of horizontal. I was telling Needletart that the only difference between her imagination and mine were East Coast/West Coast things... we're used to big ol' granite rocks scattered everywhere 'like a giant's marbles' so when I said 'a granite foundation' I imagined a big ol' granite boulder... and West Coast oak trees don't turn colors. (East Coast people, I know that's a mind-blower...) But I don't care--she did a fabulous job and I love it to pieces!!! (LIR, we saved it in a file and browsed...it worked okay, but I couldn't figure out the rotate thing...)

Lake Monkeys...

We went to the lake today, and it was great... (can I end the blog there? I'm tired. No? Details? Oh, oh yeah...writing for pleasure...I know how to do this...)

You'll have to forgive me...I'm taking 12 units online and it really sucks. I'm trying not to resent it too much, because all teachers in California have to do these units, but, seriously, when I do the reading and answer the questions I'm left with an overwhelming feeling of 'Why am I wasting precious computer minutes doing this again?'. Book people, I have to tell you, it's seriously cutting into my writing time--I'm only at pg. 475, and I'd hope to be to pg. 500 by now. (In case that sounds joyless, I actually have plot points in my head instead of page numbers, I just don't want to give too much away...I don't really count pages as in 'I did that!' I count pages as in, 'I'm getting closer to this part I really want to write...') I have to give a shout-out to Samurai for being my interview guinea pig--she's been awesome. (She may not realize it, but she doomed herself to my harassment by her profile--'Culture shock doesn't even come close'--I saw that, and was asked to interview someone about culture and she just popped into my mind.)

Now where was I...oh yeah... the lake. You've all heard the Johnny Cash song, "Folsom Prison Blues", right? Well, right by Folsom Prison is Folsom Lake--I've been going there since I was very little, and anywhere between one time and twelve times a summer, we pack up the whole famn damily and go out to the water. Last year was the exception--Ladybug was really bug-sized last year, and between the flaming red hair, blue eyes, and lizard-belly white skin, we assumed she would burst into flame when the sun touched her. After a month of playing naked in the kiddie pool, we came to the conclusion that a little bit of sun-block and a hat would kind of fix that whole 'combustible baby' problem, and the spf swimshirt helped. She's lying on our bed right now, sucking on her thumb and telling the world that she's not really ready for bed, she just looks half dead with exhaustion. That's what happens when you take maniac babies to the beach and they have a great time. Cave Troll doesn't look quite so tired...but he is being awfully mellow. (He saw Surf's Up for the second time this weekend while I distributed bookmarks--he can say the word 'Spectacular!' followed by "aaauuuugghhhh!" and for those of you who have seen the trailers for the movie, this is freaking hilarious.)

But back to the lake. I didn't realize when I was a kid, but it's where poor people go to party in the summer. The funny thing about this is that it's in the middle of some of the most expensive homes in the state--and that includes L.A.. The beach is decomposed granite, with lots of nickel sized fools gold floating around to step on, and the floor of the man-made lake is...well, it's full of holes and squishy sand and considering the number of kids running around in diapers you can only hope it's sand and driftwood and what have you. June is like the only month to go, because too early and it's colder than a brass monkey's blue balls, and too late and all the water has been let into the American river and you have to brave meat bees and three football fields worth of stinking hot sand in order to swim in turbid water if you're willing to brave the stanky knee-high squish before you get there. But today, it was perfect--the water was a little low, the weather was a little cool, but the cave troll played in the sand and the baby played in her 'boat' and then the baby flopped on us and laughed in the water while the Cave Troll played in the boat, and the big kids played with their brother and sister and then frolicked like fat and sleek river otters in the crowded lake. Dad spent part of his time in the water, and a whole lot of time sitting on the beach going 'ahhh...I'm not in a cubicle'.

We had a good time.

Now, I have some thanks that are overdue, but I do have a reason--I wanted to post the picture with the thank you because the picture ROCKED and the person who made it rocks harder and I'm so grateful... but I'm also hopelessly inept, and my computer time is so limited... so I'm going to give Needletart a shout-out for sketching Cory's tattoo... she did a fabulous job, and I'm thinking about having book plates made up with her exact design. If nothing else, I WILL figure out how to post the darn thing on the blog so you all can see it. Thank you, darling, a thousand times thank you...it was really wonderful to see, and even more wonderful for you to do...you guys, I'm gonna figure out how to show it to you, I promise!

Complicated Instructions...tag!

Okay, Knittech...lessee if I got this straight...

Type my birthmonth into wikipedia, write down two historical events and one holiday that happened therein, and tag five friends...

Did I do it right?

*In 1752, the British Empire adopted the Gregorian calendar. In the British Empire that year, September 2 was immediately followed by September 14.

*World War II started on September 1, 1939 with Adolf Hitler's invasion of Poland. It ended on September 2, 1945 with Japan's formal surrender.

*Caligula (Roman Emperor 37-41) attempted to rename September Germanicus after his father.

*In Japan, Respect for the Aged Day is a national holiday celebrated on the third Monday of September. Autumnal Equinox Day is also a national holiday.

And... I tag...

Well, anyone who wants to do it, actually, but I'll list some names to see what we get...

Needletart (who always likes memes)
Samurai (because she likes history)
Netter (cause she got to go to the aquarium today)
Bells (because she's in Australia and might get something different just because...)
Bunny Queen (because I want her to keep visiting)
And Roxie but only if she wants to--I know she's very busy and she's not really into the whole 'tag, you're it' thing...

Okay--I did that without knittech's helpful links, but I keep freaking my husband's computer out by typing too fast--I'm trying to let the nanogremlins sleep for a little while--btw, my husband runs WOW on this thing every night--a mega-gagilion bites of technofat in that program, and does he freeze up this behemoth? noooo...but I TYPE to fast and it turns on me like a rabid hamster. There is no justice.

Now I get to do hurt neurotic little kid for the home crowd--you've all seen this before, you're welcome to turn away.

I got my 2nd bad review on amazon...I'm up to 28 now, (27 if you don't count the one I wrote myself when I was sure nobody else would ever read the book) and so far that's People who like me: 25 People who hate me: 2 and I should suck it up and be happy, because those ain't bad odds, considering how much I manage to piss people off in my normal life. But I'm gonna sulk a little, because, well, it's what I do, and indulge in my new bookmarks--they're gorgeous (to me) and anyone who wants two (there are two different designes) can send me a SASE and I'll send back. (Or, heck, just send me your address, because, yes, I am that vain...) After I send a whack of them to Texas (where they are planning a display in my honor next month, lest I get too invested in my sulking) I'm going to put them in the Borders and Barnes and Nobles around here--I forgot my website or to put 'available on amazon.com' on them, but that might actually help me out, because the reason I'm getting no love from my publishing company (so they say) is that I have no 'channel sales'--that's sales from book stores and distributors, as opposed to internet sales. So, I figure, I put these things in book stores and see what happens. (Like, you know, rabidly angry grammar nazis storming the store to get their money back because of the typos and sentence punctuation...sorry...sorry...I'm not sulking anymore, I remember now...) So, the bad review is out of my system, (or it will be if I get a few more good ones to sort of push it down on the page) and the good news rocks!

I'll live. I always do!

Good Morning to You Too...

"No, I don't know where Spiderman is...where did you put him last? Sweetie put it down...no, down, no, give it...give...it...to...mama...no, don't lay on the floor and cry...no, I told you, I don't know where Spiderman is...well, where did you put him? Is he where you found Chicken Joe? HEY, IS SOMEBODY BURNING ENLISH MUFFINS OUT THERE? No, I don't know why she's making that noise. DON'T TOUCH THE COMPUTER, DAMMIT, I HAVEN'T SAVED!!! No, you can't have the toothpaste either...put it down...no...give it to mama...no, no, give...it...to...mama...wow. Acting. Who knew it ran in the family? No--don't worry, she's fine. She's just making that noise. CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A DIAPER? No, I don't know where Spiderman is. Go get a diaper. What do you mean no? You can't run around naked all day. It's seventy degrees out--no, no pool yet. And I'm not out there. Well, I'm not out there because you people won't let me finish. No, no, Ladybug, get up off the floor...ewww...is that a hairball stuck to your diaper? HAS ANYONE LET OUT THE DOG! Give her back her kitty! Yes, that's nice...kitty is nice...now toddle off...no, no, go on out the door...oh, good. You found a diaper. That's great. Now put it on. Yes, darling, that's why they're called pull-ups. Now...no, no, don't sit on my lap...not HEEEERRE...get..no, get DOWN... and you, get off the floor...AND PUT THAT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY GET THE HELL OUT OF THE BATHROOM, MAMA'S GOTTA FLUSH!"


And how was your morning?

In case no book people are out there...

you can look at this instead...

Your Power Element is Water

Your power colors: blue and aqua Your energy: deep Your season: winter Like the ocean, you evoke deep feelings and passion. You have an emotional, sensitive, and spiritual soul. A bit mysterious, you tend to be quiet when you are working out a problem. You need your alone time, so that you can think and dream.

What's Your Power Element?

Attn: Book People, Here's Your Chance

Unfortunately, it's not going to last long...I've got to put the order in by tomorrow.

See...my idea for bookmarks (I get two designs) is this--the cover picture of VULNERABLE for one bookmark, and the cover of BOUND for the other design, each picture dissolving from the top of the book mark to a complementary color on the bottom (black, of course, for VULNERABLE, and copper green for BOUND). Instead of having the titles of the books on the picture itself, I would have instead, a quote--one different quote for each book mark. I was going to go w/the cover of VULNERABLE for the book plates--and another quote.

So that's three quotes I need from my own books. I have ideas (did you doubt it?) but I was wondering if anyone out there had other, better ideas...

So, if you read this quickly, and have an opinion, let me know--because the Goddess alone knows I might bollux this up if left to my own devices...