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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Fucking Dragons


A note or two about this post.

See, the incident happened last night, as we were driving back from San Diego--and I thought it was hilarious, of course, there may have been extenuating circumstances, but we'll get to that.

So anyway, I was lying in my own bed, (yay!) and the dog was licking his balls, and it was keeping me awake.  Both the dog and the ball licking-- so there I was, lying in bed like this: 0.0, thinking about how I have to leave again in two days time, and the dog is never going to forgive me.  Not only that, but thinking that I have to, among other things too numerous to mention, go get the dog flea treatment because I don't think he started out licking his balls, if you know what I mean.

So I decide to get up and write this story-- maybe, I get some writing out of my system, and I'll be able to go back to sleep.  But I want a picture for it, right?

And, for reasons--again-- you'll see shortly, I decide to google "vibrating eyeballs".  For the record, don't ever do that.

Ever.

Because apparently if you have your filters off, vibrating anything can only lead to porn.  Serious, hardcore porn.

I was not aware, and that's saying something.

So, okay, wasn't thinking about sex but now I am and unfortunately not the hot kind or even the healthy kind, because HELLO internet, but now I still need that picture.

So I google "eyeballs."  For the record?  Don't ever do that.

EVER.

So now, I'm like THIS:

((O.O))

And I still haven't told my story. 

And I'm definitely not ready to go back to sleep.  So I find the picture of the cat tripping on LSD because it's one of my favorites and very appropriate, and now, faintly traumatized, I'm ready to tell my story!

So, did ya wanna hear the story?  

Okay-- so here's the story:

So, you know those MiO drink supplements?  (And, for the record, if you're going to google "MiO" make sure you spell it right.  There's apparently a Japanese porn star named Miyo.  She, uhm, does things.  Many, many things.) 

Anyway, so, on the way back from San Diego, it was my turn to drive.  Mate usually does all the driving, and I was a little sleepy-- long trip--so I was like, "I'm gonna need sugar and energy, yo!"  So, the MiO energy booster stuff, we had it.  I added lots of it to 2 liters of water.  And then another 16 oz bottle.  

And about an hour and a half later, I had to pee. 

I realized I had a slight… wobble to my extremities as I ran to the bathroom and back to the car.  A rather excited wobble, as though I had not done nearly enough jumping jacks and laps around the Chevron station in the past hour or so, and I had to get right on that.

"Mate," I said, pulling out of the pitstop to the left of middle of nowhere and back onto I-5, which is the middle of nowhere, "Exactly what was in that energy booster I just drank copious amounts of?"

He looked at the label.  "Uhm, potassium, ginseng, some B complex vitamins--"

"And that's it?"

"And caffeine.  Loads and frickin' loads of caffeine!  Why?  Are your eyeballs vibrating?"

"I can see sound!" I crowed manically.  I giggled too.  Probably not reassuring in your driver, now that I think of it.  

"It's got 60 ml caffeine per serving-- you must have had about ten servings in all that water!"

"WHHEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!  Get outta my way people, mama's gotta pee again!"

"It says energy booster-- what did you think was in it?"

"I had money down with myself that it was at least three parts cocaine!"

"Let me know when the crash hits--I'm gonna wanna drive."

"Oh yeah.  Will definitely do that."

And, sure enough, when the crash hit-- at a Carl's Jr. in Patterson--I practically face-planted in my fish tacos.  

But in the meantime, man what a ride!

So, now you see why I wanted the vibrating eyeballs.  *sigh*  It would be so much less traumatic if the internet could read my mind!

4 comments:

Carol Gardner said...

Wow have to try some of that lol

theanishimori said...

Oh, man... I just... *snort* BWAHAHAHAHA!!! That is just freaking awesome. You basically hardlined Red Bull with less liquid. But do be careful -- when I drank Red Bull to stay awake for an all-nighter, it gave me heart palpitations. Too much caffeine is NOT recommended by your doctor or your fans!
So I just gotta ask, in all your wanderings through the internet gutters, did you find any vibrating eyeball porn? :::bats eyelashes innocently:::

Jaime Samms said...

I'm just going to add a few notes to my "do not search this in the internet" list (You'd be surprised how long and varied that list, BTW) and leave it at that. See you in two days!!!

Devony said...

*still laughing*.... I sooo love the stories you share! :D
*makes note of searches to avoid*