Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Things I've Sacrificed to the Dragon

I try really hard not to think about it.

I try not to think about the fact that I don't cook as well or nutritiously as I should. I joke about it, but I don't think about it.

I try not to think about all the times my kids wanted to sit on my lap but I put them off. "Let me finish my e-mail. I'll be right there."

I try not to think about the fact that I have very few real life friends. Pretty much, if I don't see people in the lunch room everyday, I'm off people's radar, and they're off mine. "I'll call such and such when I'm done with the book/soccer season/ the school year/ et."

I try not to think about the fact that the book shelf in the kids' room self-destructed last month and I haven't fixed it and they've been playing in the living room.

I try not to think about the fact that they sleep in my bed every night because SOMETHING needs to be done with their room in general, and I have not gotten to it.

I try not to think about the fact that time is passing, and I spend a lot of it immersed in things/people/events that are not real.

I TRIED really hard not to think about my grandmother who lives laughably close to me (one of two!) and whom I've visited maybe twice in the last five months.

But she is sick tonight, and maybe won't make it, and now I guess I need to tell the dragon to piss off and to actually THINK about the time that I sacrifice to it. Because every time I passed that corner on the way home with the children, I would think about Grandma Flossie--who has been a good sort of grandma, and who gave me Christmas presents from the time I was eight years old even though I was her daughter's boyfriend's kid and she (and Grandpa Harold) didn't know how long that would last. (They were pleased when it lasted pretty much forever.) Every time I passed the corner, I thought, "God--but I'm so tired. I'm dragging three kids--and I've got an hour before I've got to be/do/drive somewhere." And the tired thing would probably always be there and so would the hour before I've got to be/do/drive somewhere, but let's face it--it wouldn't have been so bad, so pressing, so all-inclusive, if I hadn't been feeding the dragon.

My step-mom (who is an awesome person) told me "She's all about her 'kids' and her mom and dad, and Dad. Come by if you like, but know that it's for you and not really for her."

Well, I came by, because I'm the one who felt like shit, right? I'm the one who kept passing her care home and thinking, "Next week, I'm really going to do that, but right now, I'm exhausted and I'm cranky and my house is a disaster and if I'm lucky I can sneak in some time to sit on the chair and doze with kids on my lap."

She knew who I was--which is more than I was expecting. She asked why I didn't bring the little kids--and I told her truthfully that they're not that well behaved in the best of times and they'd be causing unholy hell in the unit. She told me to give them hugs, to thank Chicken for the call and the card, and to tell Mate hello. Then she said something I couldn't hear--she had an oxygen mask, it was tough--and then she said "...time. An hour, or two, or three." And she was probably talking about when she's going into surgery or when my uncles were coming back to visit or something else, but all I've heard all night, looking at my crappy house and my tired kids is, "...time. An hour or two or three..."

And I have to wonder--I've ALWAYS wondered--how much the dragon eats. Some nights it seems that fucker devours far too much.

8 comments:

Louiz said...

*hugs* I have more online friends than real life ones, but I prefer to think of it as friends I haven't met yet....

KnitTech said...

I found visiting Granny was prime knitting time. I was going to knit anyway, her place or mine really didn't matter. But I know what you mean, where does the time go?

Donna Lee said...

The dragon eats tremendous amounts of your time and energy but I have a feeling your family wouldn't change a thing. It's who you are and who you are is creative and loving and as generous as you can be with the time left over. It's a good thing our children seem to forgive us our faults.

Roxie said...

Your kids get more love and lap time than I EVER did. Mom had her own dragons. Everyone has their own dragons. Not all dragons provide pleasure and thought-provoking messages for the rest of us. Sweetie, we do the best we can with the material available, and there are always regrets. How many visits to the care home would have been enough? And what else would you have had to neglect? We can't do it all, and we just have to accept that and take the grief.

I'm so sorry about your grandma, dear. Hugs and love to you.

Rachel Cotterill said...

Everyone has dragons... some are better behaved than others ;) But if you're a naturally busy person, stuff will always expand to fill all the time you have.

NeedleTart said...

At least it is your OWN dragon and not someone else sucking your days away to do her work (sorry, bitter much? having trouble saying no and meaning it? who, me?and BTW it's someone local, stop feeling guilty!) Any way, just ask Chicken, it's pretty cool to have something your Mom made around, especially if you can point to one of the characters and say, "See that one, that one is me. Mom used me for that."
{hugs} from one of those cyber friends.

Galad said...

Ditto on what Roxie said about everyone having their dragons and what Donna Lee said about you being creative, loving and as generous as you can be with your time.

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry things are rough for you. Your visit meant a lot to her, and to you, and that's really what matters. Try not to bog your life down with "should have" because no matter how good a job you did with it, you'll still be sitting there going "should have..." about SOMETHING. Ya just gotta do what's right at the time. The visit was a very right thing. Hugs. I'll be thinking of you.

(Never saw this sooner... am exceedingly not happy with Bloglines at the moment.)