Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Abort! Abort! Brain overload!

I have my rituals. 

The television goes off, I get the dogs snack, I fill my cup with ice and fizzy water, and I sit down to do some thought clearing exercise (play phone games for 10 minutes) and then I write.

And tonight was no different. 

There I was, approaching my work station with my water in one hand, my bowl of veggies in the other (my snack!) when suddenly Mate springs into action.

"Where's your checkbook?" He's digging through my purse. "Here, find it!"

"I don't--"

"Is it in the car?"

"It might be in my yarn ba--"

"Here, take your sunglass case."


"Put your sunglasses in it so they don't get lost. Is the checkbook in your purse?"

"So that thing you just did--"

"I know."

"Where you gave me two specific things to do at the same time."

"I know."

"That doesn't work for me."

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to go outside and get the checkbook? Where is it? Any ideas?"

"Uh... between... the thing... and the thing... and the--"

He disappears and I have a FUCKING SECOND to think. When he comes back I am going through my yarn bag, and I produce--go figure--the checkbook. 


"Good, okay--"  And then he pushes a button on his keys, and his phone goes off. Neither of us knows where. 

We scramble madly to find the phone--tearing apart the couch, upending blankets, running back and forth from the kitchen and down the hallway--and finally he lifts the right cushion and there it is.

"Uh..." I say. All the words--ALL THE WORDS-- have shorted out in my brain.

"Go on. Sit down. Do your thing."

He turns on the TV. 

"Could we turn that down?"

"Sure."  He turns it off. The dogs whine. They have forgotten they've had snacks. I get them snacks, sit down again, and try to concentrate.

What was I doing again?

Monday, February 24, 2020

Minor Epiphany

So, the kids had President's Week and I have to admit--it passed sort of quietly.

Each kid made plans to hang with their friends on different days, and I took Squish shopping--and then, so did her sister-- and generally, I did my usual thing. (Hampered a little, admittedly, by all the activity in the living room in the morning. And people. People were TALKING to me. It was disorienting.)

And I felt BAD about that.

And Mate and I were talking--I was like, "I remember we used to scramble. We'd go to Old Sac, we'd go to art museums, we'd go to the zoo. Anything-- anything but have the kids sit at home."

Mate was like, "They're just so... I don't know. Content. It's weird."

And I said, "Yeah--but then..."

And this is where it hit me.

"We wouldn't know so much about the older kids. When they were this age, we had the younger kids to occupy, and they came with us. Maybe they would have done this too--just become, you know, self-sufficient."

And it was sort of mind-blowing. I thought I'd gotten used to the idea that my kids were getting older, and they needed me less--but you forget how much you need them-- to keep you busy, to force you out of your comfort zone and into the world, to make you go see the world through their eyes so you can see the good parts.

We were having this conversation on the way to pick up Big T, who comes home to do laundry twice a month, and Mate said, "You know, we just have to make a plan. We used to be so good at just going, 'Gonna go here!' and going!"

So I said, "Let's go seen Sonic Hedgehog at six-thirty!"

Now, we'd sort of avoided this movie--it looked a little dumb. But we actually like dumb movies--and that's important to remember. Dumb movies are fun, and hilarious, and they want you to feel good at the end, and God knows we're not getting much of that anywhere else, right?

So we went and saw Sonic the Hedgehog, and in the middle of the movie two things happened.

The first is that Jim Carrey made a double entendre -- a very funny one-- and our teenagers ERUPTED into laughter, and Mate and I cracked up at them cracking up because you think they'd never heard a dirty joke before and it was awesome that they got this one and died.

The second is that a the movie's intended audience--a toddler of about three--bolted out of the seat and toward the stairs and was barely captured by her mother, laughing all the way.

Mate and I had a good laugh--he was like, "Someone wanted to be Sonic and someone wanted to be Robotnik, and guess who won?"

And you know? I miss the days when the kids were little and forced us to be more interesting and active people to keep up with them. But I don't miss not being able to miss a movie in peace.

Tonight ZoomBoy came and gave me a long hug and said, "It was a really good week."

"Are you sure? You didn't do much."

"Yeah--thank you for that. It was good to get some quiet in my head. The next month is going to be really busy with the play and everything."

"It is--get some sleep--you have to be up early in the morning."

And he kissed me and went to bed.

My kids are no longer little--that part of my life is pretty much over, and my ovaries remind me every time they squeeze out one last cobwebby egg and try to kill me for the effort. But what's coming only has to be boring if I let it be--and I like peace and quiet, and so does Mate. And our kids seem to be growing up okay without constant activity--or, at least, they're making their own.

There are good things ahead--I can make them happen. And, if I monitor my fluid intake, I don't have to get out of my seat at the movies unless I really hate the show.

Friday, February 21, 2020


I don't have many "meh" days.

The kids actually ask me what I do during the day because I usually meet someone at the park, or someone in the pool, or see a meme or something that makes my day a little more interesting, and I just wouldn't be Mom if I didn't share.

But I felt "meh" today. Seriously--I think it might be a bug. Squish felt horrible last night--but we couldn't put a finger on it. Wasn't head--but that ached. Wasn't stomach--but that felt gross. Wasn't body aches but all she wanted todo was sleep.

This morning I woke up feeling just like that but I'm a grown up and Geoffie had a groomer's appointment and I had to get up and shower and clothes and the groomers and...

And my keys are locked in my goddamned car again?

So I canceled the groomers and I was going to take the dogs for a walk but...

Uh... well, people yell at me when I do that. Seriously-- I got yelled at by the one person who took care of her lawn on the entire block. I'm like, "I don't want to go out there! People are SHITTY out there!" So I worked, and I ate lunch, and then I went back to bed for two hours--and I gotta tell you, I may go back to sleep early.

So possibly a bug, maybe just allergies, but I have my keys tomorrow and I can at least get a walk in.

So in the meantime, my day was... well, meh.

But I gotta say-- that nap was pretty kickass, right?

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Imaginary Conversations and Real

So, today I went shopping explicitly for snacks.

 Me, to clerk: You know, I like how that bag of potato chips says, "Party size" when what they REALLY mean is "party of one teenager gaming all day on the couch."

Clerk: They really need to sell a size up for that.

Also, I bought Lindor Balls

ZoomBoy: Mom, I'm inhaling these balls. *smirk*

Me: Well, some balls are held for charity, and some for fancy dress.

ZB: But the balls that are inhaled for pleasure are the balls I like the best!

Also, there was drama in the bathroom.

Nebula the adorable new kitty: Hello, I am here and you are here and we should have pets since you do not seem to be moving oh that's wonderful keep petting please.

Steve: What. Is. That. Thing.

Nebula: Oh look, I am a kitty getting pets and you are a kitty desiring pets and the human seems willing to forsake all other actions besides giving us what we desire so we should--


Nebula: RUN AWAY!!!!!

And Squish has discovered a thing that playful kitties do.

Squish: Look! Mom! He's standing on his hind legs and trying to catch a bug! Go kitty go!

And I put my foot down about dog snacks:

Me: AUGH! I’m not giving you another treat! *I get up to give the dog another treat*

ZoomBoy: What’s wrong? They won’t leave you alone?

Me: No! They won’t stop begging! And...*I flail at her in her little soft collar* Look at her!

ZoomBoy: Yes. She looks like she has a very long flight to get to. She probably needs snacks.

I mean, when he puts it that way...

Monday, February 17, 2020

Don't Panic...

She's fine.

There's that moment in the Harry Potter movies, where Mrs. Macgonagal looks at Harry, Hermione and Ron and goes, "Why is it always you?"

Ron replies, "Believe me, Professor--we ask ourselves the same question."


If anyone is going to get sick, it's Geoffie.

When she weighed three pounds she stepped on a fox tail, it penetrated her widdle foot, and she was the sorriest 3 lb. piece of fluff on the planet.

When she was two years old, I went away for the weekend and came back to her life-threatening eye infection.

A year later, I gave three dogs a big pork soup bone to gnaw on. One dog got a chunk of bone too big to digest in her teeny digestive track and almost died.

And this?

We have no idea.

It started out as a boo-boo, and then she chewed on it and it became an ouchie, and today she was three-legging it around the park and now she has a cone of shame and a goblin paw.

And she's been force fed pills and had icky stuff rubbed on her skin.

She is every bit the sad panda.

But she is, indisputably, ours.

Friday, February 14, 2020

Valentines Day and Serendipity...

Okay-- so I wasn't going to post today, I was going to write a story for Patreon, but the following happened.

I've been working on a pair of socks and I'm so close to done--like, one good conversation and some Friday night TV close to done.

But there was a sale on this super bulky yarn, and I... I had one of those moments of inspiration.

I KNEW what this yarn wanted to be.

I could imagine this yarn being knitted, I could imagine the pattern, I could imagine myself wearing it. It would be so romantic--a hooded infinity scarf, super bulky yarn, off-white with eggplant colored edging.

I HAD to make this scarf.

Well, I was at my desk today when I got a text from ZoomBoy--"My teacher wants you to make her a sweater."

Ha ha--very flattering. But then, I thought about this teacher. It's his choir teacher--she's been the choir teacher through grade school and middle school--she's the one behind the fantastic choir program, who makes beautiful shows out of air and wishes and kids who adore her.

If anyone deserved a sweater, it was this teacher.

Alas, I needed to finish this scarf and then the socks and then...


About that scarf...

So I picked ZoomBoy up from school and we laughed about the sweater thing and I said, "Do you think she'd want a scarf instead?"

He laughed and I said, "It should be done tonight--maybe you bring it in tomorrow and say 'My mom can make you a sweater but it will be a while. Maybe this can keep you warm while you wait.'"

He loved the idea--and even Squish said, "Oh, Mom, I'd give up my own sweater so she could have one. She's superhuman. She deserves a sweater."

But it meant I had to push on through to finish, and, well, there went my time for the Patreon.

And there went my dreams of me in the hooded scarf--but that's fine. I don't think was ever really meant to be mine anyway. Next week is President's week and the kids just finished a big program--I think if anybody deserves knitwear it's ZoomBoy's choir teacher.

Besides--Mate sent me flowers. I've been pretty much taken care of this Valentine's Day, you think?

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Lovefest 2020

Oddly enough, everybody wanted to know about my day.

Seriously--I have repeatedly told people, "I live a very uninteresting life!" and about six people asked--but, oddly enough, I have something to tell!

For starters--last night, I thought I'd lost my fingerless mitts on my walk, and I was much depressed. :-(  

This morning, on the first leg of my loop, I FOUND them, and I was much cheered!  :-)

And then, after finishing the loop, I put the dogs in the car and realized I couldn't find my keys, and I was much panicked!  ðŸ˜±

I put the dogs in the car--it was about 60 degrees outside, which meant inside the car it would get to be about 80 at the most, and they were fine. This is important, because I had just cleared the first leg of the loop again in quest of the keys when a young mother pushing a jogging stroller AND walking her dog came running down the loop waving my keys at me--and I was much cheered!  ðŸ‘ðŸ‘ðŸ‘

And she said, "I took them up top and clicked all the cars--you know, you shouldn't leave your dog in your car--they were probably getting warm."

And I was much... augh! How could I be irritated at her--she'd just saved me fifteen minutes of hauling ass around the park again to find the damned keys! But the dogs were fine! But... walking the loop again and missing my swim and...

I settled on gratitude. 🙏🙏🙏 Because ultimately she was well meaning, and seriously, the dogs gave zero craps--because they'd been on their walks and they were all crapped out.

She was kind. I'm going to be happy there is kindness in the world. (Not on the internet or in the White House atm, but there is kindness in the world.)

Anyway--so walk achieved, swim achieved--I did NOT kill any of the 45 supporters in the pool-- that was a danger on Monday, for real. Got Squish home--ZoomBoy was at rehearsal--and got my nap in, and then, Mate got home with ZoomBoy, he downed a couple of burritos, changed into his tux like a superhero, and BOOM. 

I mean that. BOOM.

We went to LoveFest 2020.

Now, when I did this last year, I was much taken by surprise. It's a joint venture/fundraiser between his drama department, the band, and the choir department, and it's all songs and skits based around love. 

It was adorable last year, when the drama department did a choral reading of "Never Gonna Give You Up" and effectively Rick-Rolled everybody in the audience, and it was adorable this year when they did a self-written/produced set of Cupid shows the New Guy around skits. The Choir was lovely--and they finished with the Beatles and THE WHOLE CAST performing the end of Hey Jude, and we were all left feeling LOVELY. (Speaking of which, "Isn't She Lovely" was one of their songs--this was a class act and I was so proud.)

It was just... wonderful.

And this year I brought Mate and Squish with me, and ZoomBoy got to show off.

So, there you go.

What did Amy do today?

More than usual.

Monday, February 10, 2020

When your native tongue is Lit Geek!

Okay-- so, sorry I didn't report back last night. So. Tired. Also, I had to make up word count.

But teaching at the East Bay chapter of RWA was a blast! Lovely, lovely authors--all of them kind and accepting, and I felt right at home. Their usual room was hijacked by somebody (there was much grrrrrrrr about this--heads will roll!) and we had a smaller classroom and it was packed to the gils. (See the chapter's promo picture of me with Kilby Blades, who, bless her, was the one who asked me to speak <3 nbsp="" p="">
But there was enough oxygen for people to breathe and to laugh at my jokes and I was much encouraged.

I got to use a real life example in my speech--I was talking about character communication.

"Yes, so very often people don't talk--but that doesn't mean communication doesn't happen. As an example, you may notice the little favors at your desk? Well, my Mate and I got up early this morning to get me here, so that I might have my coffee, and I was halfway through my coffee--when all good insights come--when it hit me. I had left the bag with the favors at the hotel. So I said this to Mate. Who went, "Really? Dammit." And then he stood up, gave me a kiss, and muttered, "I'll be back in a minute."

"Thank you Mate. I love you."

"Grumble grumble grumble."

"But ladies, I submit to you, that you all have those favors, and my Mate just said 'I love you' very very clearly, without saying a recognizable word."

Many, many hands were held to chests, and then I hit them with, "And he got me a SPACE HEATER for my WRITING SPACE for Christmas!"  I told him he will be much in demand after my passing--people got misty-eyed, I swear.

He doesn't believe me. That's okay. We can let him think I"m the only one who sees what a marvelous Mate he is.

Anyway--I talked to people. It was OUTSTANDING. And then we came home and there was napping, and the kids didn't feel great on Sunday so... we went to a movie. We have been trying to see Ford vs. Ferrari for MONTHS. And it was good. So good. Laughed my ass off. Cried like a baby.

Had a very lovely date weekend that was not officially date weekend with my Mate. 

Friday, February 7, 2020

So sorry--reinventing the wheel...

Okay-- so, VERY short post tonight.

This weekend, I am, alas, not going to be at the Lavender Library with my QSAC folks--and I'll miss it! *waves* Instead, Mate and I are driving to Berkeley tomorrow night (the older kids including my ginormous son will be here with the younger kids which makes me very happy).

Anyway-- I'm teaching on Saturday morning for the RWA Chapter that meets in Berkeley and you guys I'M SO EXCITED.

SO excited that I did what any good presenter would do and opened my worksheet files and Power Point to brush up on what I had to say so I didn't get in front of all those lovely writers and go, "GEEGLE agglplak GURK!!!!"

Because that's a fear, you know, when you're talking to a group of lovely and consummate professionals who possibly know more than you do about writing books, and you're there to tell them how YOU write books, and you're not sure that does anybody any good at all.

Anyway-- I open my notes and I realize... there's something... there's something...

Wait a minute... this is the hour version. It's not stored with the hour version, but this is the hour version. I had an entire version of this which took around 1 1/2--2 hours, and I was very proud of that. Had the whole "Setting the table for dinner" thing, looked very impressive.

I knew I had that--I presented it in Emerald City in October--and it wasn't there.

So if I've been a little MIA in social media, and if I've seem a little distracted, it's because I've been rewriting that, and repracticing that, and... and... and.... EGGLE agglplak GURK!!!!

Or, you know, something along those lines.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the passenger in a shitty Odyssey on the way to Berkeley tomorrow, boring my husband to death with Fiction Haiku: Conflict and Setting the Table for Dinner.

Because he's seen me to the Geegle aggleplak gurk thing, and he was not impressed.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Life as Yakety Sax

So VERY short post today-- I just want to say, my life is a circus, and I'm not so sure I'm the ringleader.

Picked the kids up from school--nothing. Silence all the way home. I actually got lost in my audiobook and forgot they were there. Then Squish was like, "I'm talking to my former crush about my present crush and I need to go."

She ran into the house and had an actual conversation. AN ACTUAL PHONE CONVERSATION.

When does that happen?

Then I have to admit--I crashed for a lONG TIME. (I think my cold is trying to come back. There was a lot of sleeping today--and all of it was necessary.) When I woke up the house was still silent. Had to check to see the kids were breathing.

Then Mate got home.


Sheer chaos. He was doing knee exercises on the floor--with dogs. The cat got locked in the garage. Suddenly everyone has forgotten how to make their own tacos. (How does that happen, people? Mommy puts a taco bar in front of you and you forget how to eat?)

We settle down for a little bit, watch some Leverage, get our hearts broken by The Good Place finale, and then, just when Mate was down for some ass-kicking with John Wick 3? 

ZoomBoy needs to know how to write satire, Squish is discussing the nature of humanity via her essay on Frankenstein and the dogs have heard the call. *ding* LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!*

Mate hits pause on the TV so I can discuss the nature of satire and humanity and we're off to the races. Finally, everybody gets settled with bed or homework, and I get a chance to go kiss my Mate goodnight while I go to work.

The dogs follow me in.

There I am trying to have a nice conversation in the dark with my Mate and it's like Yakkety Sax is playing in the background.

Finally I get out here to my computer, ZB is still working on the essay and it's quiet...

Too quiet.


Monday, February 3, 2020

Kermit Flail--February!!!


So last month I was worried about February because January sucked so hard--but you know something? February is the shortest month of the year--and there are some awesome things planned for this February, including a chance to teach next Saturday in Berkeley. So I am going to WOOT-WOOT! and celebrate this February-- it is the month of love, dammit, and I want everybody to get a Valentine's Day card, because I said so that's why. 

And speaking of Valentines...

We have some adorable creations here.

First we have Powder and Pavlova, a BRAND NEW release from Jay Hogan, with an adorable "just a fling" premise. Definitely worth checking out!

Powder and Pavlova

by Jay Hogan

ETHAN SHARPE is living every young Kiwi’s dream—seeing the world for a couple of years while deciding what to do with his life. Then he gets a call.

Two days later he’s back in New Zealand. Six months later his mother is dead, his fifteen-year-old brother is going off the rails and the café he’s inherited is failing. His life is a hot mess and the last thing he needs is another complication—like the man who just walked into his café,
a much older…
sinfully hot…
EPIC complication.

TANNER CARPENTER’s time in Queenstown has an expiration date. He has a new branch of his business to get up and running, exorcise a few personal demons while he’s at it, and then head back to Auckland to get on with his life. He isn’t looking for a relationship especially with someone fifteen years his junior, but Ethan is gorgeous, troubled and in need of a friend. Tanner could be that for Ethan, right? He could brighten Ethan’s day for a while, help him out, maybe even offer some… stress relief, no strings attached.

It was a good plan, until it wasn’t.

Moving on, we have a spot of M-Preg, and what looks to be a sweet maiden-uncle sort of hero, with a love handles and a lot of love to give--let's hear it for Misha Paige and A Serpent's Bond!!!

A Serpent's Bond

Myth Kissed

by Misha Paige

A former foster kid, Hudson always had a simple dream for a perfect life. A husband to love and a family he could come home to every night. It wasn’t a fancy wish, but it might as well have been.

Approaching forty, he’s still single—and fighting the battle of the bulge—so his dream probably wasn’t going to happen. Not in this lifetime.

Especially not with Drakein Nacash, the drop dead gorgeous man who’s the subject of his nightly fantasies and barely even knows he exists.

In one day, his life is turned upside down and he’s introduced to a myth turned real. What if he could have everything he ever dreamed of?

And I have to admit--while most of my Kermit Flail books are sent to me, I have one here that I sort of, well, stole. Kilby asked me to participate in the promotional chat for this one, and it looked so awesome--and it's Kilby's first M/M book--so I wanted to give her a big welcome and a *muwah* from all of us in M/M land. Let's hear it for Kilby Blades and Adam Bomb--YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

Adam Bomb

by Kilby Blades

Moguls, Royals, and Rogues

Can a lifelong friendship survive the fallout?

Levi Cossio’s best friend Adam has always been larger than life: a smoking-hot billionaire hotelier whose charm can bend the world to his whim. When New York City stops being big enough for both of them—at least if Levi ever wants to fall out of love with Adam—he leaves it behind for a job in in San Francisco.

But when Adam pulls an Adam—upending the calm new life Levi has come to love with a plea to lend his talent to a worthy cause—Levi is helpless to resist. Adam will be the first Fortune 100 CEO to come out of the closet on a grand scale. He needs a trusted ally on his PR team. Levi is a lauded portrait photographer. And the job will only last three weeks.

Levi accepts on one hidden condition: he’ll keep his new friends away from Adam, certain that if they get a whiff, they, too, will fall under Adam’s spell. Bent on keeping his two lives separate, Levi barely makes it through the first two weeks unscathed—and then Adam drops another bomb….

And finally, I have my March release, which is sort of a crossover book--but MOSTLY a standalone with lots of cameos from some of your favorite people. It's called Shades of Henry, and it's about a soldier whose entire life detonated and his brother sets him up with the most unlikely of jobs.

I think a lot of people have been waiting for this book--and the cover is lush <3 p="">

Coming in March--

Shades of Henry

by Amy Lane

A Flophouse Story
One bootstrap act of integrity cost Henry Worrall everything—military career, family, and the secret boyfriend who kept Henry trapped for eleven years. Desperate, Henry shows up on his brother’s doorstep and is offered a place to live and a job as a handyman in a flophouse for young porn stars.

Lance Luna’s past gave him reasons for being in porn, but as he continues his residency at a local hospital, they now feel more like excuses. He’s got the money to move out of the flophouse and live his own life—but who needs privacy when you’re taking care of a bunch of young men who think working penises make them adults?

Lance worries Henry won’t fit in, but Henry’s got a soft spot for lost young men and a way of helping them. Just as Lance and Henry find a rhythm as den mothers, a murder and the ghosts of Henry’s abusive past intrude. Lance knows Henry’s not capable of murder, but is he capable of caring for Lance’s heart?

And a letter from management--

-I have to admit--I could SWEAR someone else sent in a Kermit Flail earlier on in the month. I know I was planning on three posts besides mine and Kilby's and I CAN'T FIND IT IN MY G-MAIL. So, if this was you--it's not because I don't like you or blew you off--please contact me and I'll edit this post and add you in. PLEASE contact me--I'm totally serious--because it's going to drive me NUTS until I remember who that was I was supposed to add. Also, I'm so sorry--I usually prefer if things run a little more smoothly than this. My incredibly embarrassed apologies. DON'T FORGET TO SEND THAT IN! Thank you. Amy