Dear Ms. O

I totally appreciate the fact that you just dropped in today to observe me teaching after I had been gone for three days due to illness. Your complete lack of warmth or of facial expression was such a treat, too, especially because I get the same thing from your son, every day of the week.

Now I realize that you might have had a few questions about our lesson plan...no? You understood it all? That's excellent. I stopped by your son's desk and he seemed to have written nothing--perhaps you could help him with...oh. It's my fault he couldn't do it because of all the talking. I understand. You do realize that most days, your son's a part of that? But then it's not his fault because he doesn't understand the assignment. I'm sorry, I don't know why he doesn't understand the assignment. Perhaps if he were to attempt...? No. He can't try because I'm not a good enough teacher to make him want to try. Okay. So I suck on a LOT of levels. I hear you. I'll see what I can do about that. Yes, I know he liked Ms. Ava better. Yes, I know he hates me. I'm sure he'd like me better if I were twenty-four, blonde, and size eight, but that's neither here nor there, he hates me, his grade is all my fault. It's starting to come together now.

I must add, that I'm especially thrilled with your threat to my administrator to complain about me for calling in sick. You know, you're right--taking that time off for my kids' orthodontia, well-baby appointments, and toddler snots really was inconsiderate of me. I mean, I should have just ignored them growing up and then tried to figure out where I screwed up along the way and made them threaten to flunk out of school--it seems to be working so well for you! And as for this last fever thing? Well, I can see your point--the doctors and their silly notes be damned, I was really just taking a mini-vacation, there was no reason on Goddess' green earth for me to be absent earlier this week--no wonder your son can't learn. I mean--I left sub plans for substitutes--how dare I? I should have been there, so your son could have continued to be rude, disrespectful and indifferent to me while I felt like complete shit, since obviously that's what I'm there for.

So I'm sorry, Ms. O--I mean, it's obvious that I suck and your little gang member is all that a teacher could ask for in a student. How could I ever think differently, than to expect the little fuckers to talk constantly while I'm talking, sneer openly at what I'm saying, and mock with mean spirited derision when I ask them how they expect to pass this class.

It's obvious how your son expects to pass my class--he's going to cry to his mommy.

Sincerely,

Ms. Lane