Dear Agent/Editor/Publisher--

Dear Agent/Editor/Whomever I'm contacting--

I've currently rewritten this letter so many times I'm not sure I sound like a human being. I'm trying really hard not to sound like a dork, when, in fact, dorkiness is my brand. If I could draw a picture of a dork without it looking obscene, I'd put it on my business card--it would be my icon. I'd make it the color of my hair after my worst dye job, so people would look at it and think, "There's Amy--she's a dork who needs to get her roots done. I know her!"

Anyway-- what was I saying?

Yes-- I was trying to give you all of my good points and all of the reasons you should be hella enthused about my project, but I got totally hung up on the dork thing, and now I can't remember any of my good points. At all. I'd guess hygiene--I'm pretty sure I brushed my teeth today, and I seem to remember a shower in the last few days, so there you go. I'm a dork with good hygiene. Read my book.

Wait.

That last part--that sounds a little needy.

I'm a dork with good hygiene, we once ate lunch at a mall, and I cracked a joke I'm pretty sure you laughed at. Of course, at this stage of the game, I may have had a cliffhanger and you were laughing politely and wishing you could tackle me with a Kleenex like a second grader with a cold, but I'm going to hope there was at least a human connection there, and I'm not writing this letter to peg you in the chest from your e-mail like a flaming spear in the darkness, because I understand that would be horribly irritating and I'm trying really hard to be the opposite of that.

But see, I'm a writer--fancy that, hahahahahaha is there any way I can say that without sounding like I'm being presumptuous? No.

I got nothing.

I'm a writer, I wrote a book, do you want it?

Some people think I'm pretty good. Some people think I suck, but I'm not supposed to tell you about those people so I won't. They don't exist. I don't suck AT ALL. AT ALL I tell you, there is no suck, there is only Amy, and Amy rocks, and Amy wrote or is writing a book and she knows how to use Kleenex and will you come play with her?

Me?

Would you come play with my book?

Never mind.

HERESMYQUERYANDIMTOTALLYCOOLANDIVEATTACHEDSOMESTUFFCOULDYOUREADITPLEASETHANKYOUVERYMUCHILOVEYOUBYEBYE!

*whew*

Yeah sure. I can remake my business cards--why do you ask?

Sincerely,

Amy the Dork