Looking For the Hook-up...

Okay...the picture is the Easter picture--the christening of the Arwen cardigan and the Cave Troll's pritty-pritty socks...just to prove to everybody that they're still cute and all...

And other than that? bells tagged me for a Thinking Bloggers award...and I'm sort of embarrassed and stunned and (of course!) honored. The embarrassment comes from the fact that the award comes with a little button and I'm too technologically retarded to figure out how to get that little button on my site...the stunned part comes because, well, I've made some doozifupistying errors as a blogger, and being a 'Thinking Blogger' was (in the words of Willy the Great) "An honor that I dream not of."

But, since I gots the honor, I sorta gots the responsibility, and I've been thinking about why blogging has become so important to me and what it means to be a 'Thinking Blogger'. (This is almost a requirement of the job because you're supposed to tag and link other bloggers in the same way, but that will be another post!) And I think I've come up with a quasi-coherent answer about what blogging is to moi.

I am not social in real life. I tend to be very passionate and very vocal but also very protective of the overrated squishy organ in my chest--I am one of those people who has a few good friends, a beloved family, and a large circle of acquaintances. Part of this comes from a deeply rooted belief that I am A. not that interesting and that B. my flaws are such an overwhelming part of my personality that if people really knew me they'd clear a 'normalcy quarantine' space around my body and not let me around human beings, young people, or impressionable animals. The other part of this comes from the time crunch that is my life and the belief that some of the most important moments as a family come from the vegetative quiets in front of the television, reading books, being in the car together and generally knocking together and sharing space, dna, and oxygen with human beings obligated to love me. In short, there are no dinner parties at the McClellan household because it's more important that we take the little ones to the park and see what we all have to say to each other.

Now that work has become hostile and alienating on so very many fronts (it was not always like this, but then I did not always need to wear my cynicism like platinum-alloy chain mail either), besides Yarn Thing, the only other place I have to commune with my own kind is here, on the blog.

Bells and I had a discussion about 'editing' and I mentioned that 'editing' was not always my strong suit. I don't 'edit' my personality very well here on the blog--you've seen some of the fallout from that, and although I learn, you've also seen that I don't learn fast, and so you've probably guessed that much of what glints through the tarnish of too many misspelled words is very much, very authentically myself.

And a bunch of you still love me.

I'm stunned, embarrassed, and honored.

I wish I could say I logged on and blogged because I wanted the world to hear my voice. Actually, that's why I write novels--I like Amy Lane's voice better as a novelist--she's thoughtful and wise, and probably a size 12 at the most.

I actually blog because I'm looking for friends. My only real thought when I started to blog was that maybe, on the internet, where you can find anything, even I could find people who wouldn't think I'm too plotzing odd. Or at least like me for being plotzing odd--either or. And lo and behold, I have. Thanks all of you for hanging in there w/a plotzing odd blogger and being my friends.

Oh yeah--my real name is Shannon McClellan--I figured since I was writing novels AND writing blogs, I'd do both under Amy Lane. I also thought that if I ranted about work, it would help to do it under someone else's name. Now see, if I were a REAL thinking blogger, I would have thought about all the holes in that plan:-)