Moving the Finish Line...

Mate is working so hard--but laminate floors! Oh my God!

I couldn't figure out what was wrong--he'd done the living room and hallway a dog's age ago, and I remember him talking about how quick and painless it was. "Just snaps together! So easy! I should do the whole house!"

Of course that was fifteen years ago and the second to last home improvement project we ever tried. (What happened you ask? Six letters, start's with an S. Ends with an R. Give you three guesses...)

So, as I was listening to him swear, I started trying to troubleshoot all of the things that could be different. Was it age and condition? I mean I'M certainly fatter and less wieldy, but he seems relatively fit for a man in his early fifties--was that it?

Has the floor warped more?

Yes.

Well, what's going wrong?

When I pop one part in, the other part pops out.

Did this happen last time?

No. Not even a little.

So I think harder: Was the laminate a different brand?

Yes.

Wait a minute. Was the laminate a CHEAPER brand?

Uhm, yes?

How MUCH cheaper?

About two bucks per square foot.

We looked at each other when he revealed this, and he screwed his face up in disbelieve.

Ah.

Ah indeed.

Anyway-- it's taken him longer than we thought. Today he took THE ENTIRE DAY off  from work to get it done. Now I know for some people work from home is sort of an iffy proposition.  For me it's not. I have deadlines, both self-imposed and external, and promises I try to keep. For example, I've been doing a weekly reading on my FB page. I had to bail from that tonight and postpone it for tomorrow because, well, there was lots of banging in the background. Lots of non-naked, non-romantic banging--and he was on a roll and it would have been unfair to prioritize MY work when he'd just backed off from prioritizing HIS. And when he's "at work" he is equally AT WORK. He has meetings--three or so a day--and productivity goals. He's gotten extra equipment from work--he's working with like five computers. Our kitchen table looks like a combination of Sam the Grocer's and Mission Impossible.

But like I said--today he put that ALL on hold, and he's not quite finished with her room yet.

But he's close. SO CLOSE. He moved the bed headboard in tonight, and will move the rest of the bed and the shelves in tomorrow. And then? It's all Squish and ZoomBoy moving her stuff into HER room.

And I feel a little guilty, because it's a long time coming.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with her. My first thought wasn't "How can we afford another baby?" it was "Where will we PUT another baby?"

Well, we put her in the same room with her brother--and there she's stayed. There were different reasons--we thought she'd need a new bed (because we thought her older sister would take that bed back) and then we thought we'd make it a game room and then it was just full of ALL THIS STUFF. But between the one thing and another, she had yet to have her own room, and she's 14 now and NEEDS HER OWN ROOM.

So, we can finally fit our dessert baby. I think she'll be the happiest child in the world when she moves in.

Tomorrow. But damn, we're close.

Sad Clown

Work on the room continues apace--it's all Mate now, as he attempts to assemble the laminate floor. The kids have helped by painting and assisting when he needs it, and I'm in charge of provisions and doing other household chores while he works.

Not bad--but I know he was disappointed when he didn't quite finish tonight. Hopefully by Tuesday we'll be moving Squish back in, and we can have our living room back--and work on ZoomBoy's room next!

It's funny--for years I've been saying, "We actually have to be BORED enough to work on the house!" because seriously, any extra money we had went to travel or entertainment--wasn't on Mate's radar, wasn't on mine, truth to be told. Well, here we are, in quarantine and bored--maybe quarantine will last until we get another bedroom done, right? That would be fun! (Also, it would be safe--I am all for safe, and very, VERY VERY grateful both of us can work from home.)

Anyway--so tonight, Mate went to bed early because he was SUPER TIRED--he'd worked a LOT this weekend (and I helped) and I was left alone trying to write.

Now, before he went to bed, we both walked down the hall and went AUGH!

Squish had been playing with makeup--she found a super bright palette of make up in her room as she was cleaning it out and was trying to make herself into a sad clown.

Mission. Accomplished.

Anyway, as I was about a half an hour later, I kept hearing a puff of air from the end of the little corridor formed by couch and yarn boxes. Finally I looked up and went AUGH! Because there was a sad clown doing a dance routine by propping her phone up on one of the yarn boxes to film herself.

"What are you doing with all that BREATHING?"

"Well, you know, I spent so long on the makeup, I wanted to do a video on TikTok."

"Well stop breathing like that. Worst. Stalker. Ever."

"Was I really breathing that loud?"

"I expected something from a horror movie. ... And there you are."

"Heh heh heh..."

"Bed?"

"Sure... just, you know, let me get one more take..."

Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Welcome to the madhouse.

Smart Puppy!

Okay-- so have been blogging less. Sorry about that! But I spend part of each night doing a non-writing/editing thing. Blogging, Patreon, reading snippets out loud on FB live--and yes, the last two are new. I'm afraid they take a little from the blog--I hope you all can forgive me. (btw-- there's a Patreon link on the side of the blog--I'm offering my fiction free for the duration of quarantine, if you're interested and bored and broke! Feel free to partake! And if you're on the FB group Amy Lane Anonymous, you can see my reading every Thursday between 7 and 7:30, PST.)

It doesn't help that, as with most of you, the week has sort of the ring of sameness about it. I just need a little longer to collect funny stuff, right?

So here goes--

*  Some of you saw on FB that I had a wee bit of a mail  order mishap. Back at the very beginning of quarantine, when the toilet paper just DISAPPEARED, I had a moment of panic and ordered what promised to be a 12 pack of Charmin from a very suspect website in China. Well... it finally appeared and it was... less than promised.

Yes, that IS actual size.

*  Since we figured toilet paper had become more valuable than precious gems, we strung the tiny rolls into a necklace. This not only made for a fun picture for ZoomBoy, it also made for a convenient way to dispense the tiny rolls of toilet paper. We took that necklace of tiny tubes and slung it over the dispenser in the bathroom. Voila. A way to stretch our last package of Charmin. Huzzah!  In case you're wondering? They lasted from Monday to yesterday evening. So four days for four people. I don't know if that's terrifying or average, but I will tell you this--the cats ate an awful lot of it. They seemed to think those tiny travel sizes were just for them!

*  When done, we had a string with a bunch of toilet paper tubes on it. I hung the string around the front door knob, because cats love toilet paper tubes and I'm thinking, "Hey! This will be like a free cat toy!"  You guys all know the answer to that, right? They'd rather play with a piece of trash we dropped on the floor.

Or another square of precious toilet paper that they have somehow liberated from the now regular sized roll.

*  Speaking of fucking cats--and I was--we are still re-doing Squish's room. It is now repainted and sans floor--we'll be prepping the floor itself for laying down boards tomorrow. All of  Squish's stuff is still in the living room, but leveled down so we can watch TV around it when we're done with our day. (Some families work long into the night to finish a project. We have a quitting time. We're lazy like that.) Anyway--that first night all the stuff was piled in the living room Squish's tiny gargoyle, her chubby little panther, was poking around the stuff meowing piteously. I looked to see what his problem was and I realized the cat bed from her room was in the stuff, smashed between a few things. I pulled it out and set it on a flat surface with his little blanket (which is a scarf we got for $3 at Target) and he jumped up there and nuzzled his blanket and purred.

*laughs happily*

Kitteh...

* And speaking of adorable pets... Geoffie sits up next to me every night while I knit. She wedges herself between my side and the armrest and lays there, sleeping and happy. And of course I have to get up once an hour--snacks, potty, just getting my circulation going.

"Geoffie, honey, I gotta move."

Her ears perk up and she gets up and stretches and then jumps down.

Every time. She knows exactly what it means.

*laughs happily*

Puppeh...

And there you go--  I think I"ll keep the blogging to one or two times a week--I want fun stuff here, and the occasional book release. Let me know if you want any more!

Stay healthy, be kind-- we still have a ways to go.

Amy

Home Improvement

Mate and I suck at it.

So. Bad.

But Squish is long overdue for a room of her own, and we've been promising--and this weekend we made some surprising strides.

We've also had a few setbacks and just generally, we can't seem to do anything without meeting up with the absurdity of the world.

Examples?

* We got Squish's room mostly painted. This is awesome--she was so proud of her new color. It wasn't until we got the entire room covered in it that she and Mate noticed that... it was almost exactly the same color as the hallway.

What can I say? The two of us like lavender.

*  We had to load all her stuff into the front room. Then we had to take enough of it down for Mate and I to watch TV. Then we had to put some stuff back in the closet because she had to get to her drawers. Long story short? T hank God for social distancing because our lives might be more chaotic than usual for the next week or so.

*  Mate ordered the flooring for her room a little late--it's not due until next week. Included in the order was spackle and some plain white paint for the trim. When we realized the flooring wasn't going to get here, we went to Lowe's to get the spackle and the plain white paint. It. Was. PACKED. It was packed so full Mate noped out. After over a month of social distancing, the idea of going into a store that was shoulder to shoulder people without masks on freaked us both out--besides the fact that, in Lowe's, that kind of volume meant he'd be in there for HOURS. We apologized to  Squish--we weren't going to finish this in a weekend after all.

*  ZoomBoy found this vest. I made it for Squish -- in fact I made a couple of them, not just for her--when she was around seven years old. It's a little old and a little stretched out now, but the colors are in his wheelhouse and... well, let's just say he had an entirely different vision of this vest than how I'd pictured it when I made it for a chubby little girl.

* Mate has plans to visit Lowe's tomorrow, super early, when hopefully nobody will be there. *sigh* I hate the hardware store. I hate it so bad. The fact that it now appears to be party central for a COVID outbreak only seems to cement my hatred in stone.

And there you go--home improvement... Seems to me I'm remembering why we haven't done this in fifteen years...

"I ate a bug."

So, again, not much to report. Dog's gonna live-- but we've cut way back on the treats for both of them. Poor little goobers are very puzzled--but we're feeding them bland wet food as a substitute and they seem to like that very much.

Tomorrow we're painting Squish's room--it's gonna be a big day of activity, and, also, something we can do from home! Win! Squish has been teaching herself to embroider things--her first sampler had a dirty word in it, and I figure there are worst things to aspire to than Dame Judy Dench.

And seriously--there is so little to report--I'm sure, like most of you,  except those who are still on the front lines and who are crazy busy!

I can tell you that I'm doing a reading about once a week on my FB group, Amy Lane Anonymous--it's not professional grade by any means, but I think people are enjoying it as a way to pass the time. I have a poll the day before to pick the book the reading comes from, so, if you're on FB, come on by!

And this is going to be a super short blog post! Mostly I'm just waving to say I'm alive! But I do have a small adventure to share--

Mate and I were watching television when we heard the following:

Thump! Thump! Crash! Meow!

"Augh! Stop it! No! Oh my God! Gross! Eeeeeeek!!!!"

"Squish!" we called. "Squish! Are you okay!"

She came running out of her room looking HORRIFIED--I was thinking snakes coming out of the plumbing or a giant rat or something.

"MY CAT ATE A BUG!"

"Is that all--"

"IT WAS A MOSQUITO HAWK!!! IT WAS HUGE!"

And at this point Nebula came prancing down the hall, shaking his head in full frolic. He ran past her, brushing against her ankles, purring and meowing and then ran into the kitchen, where he met up with Dewey and did the cat equivalent of a high five. We could practically hear him: "Did you see the size of that bug? It was DELICIOUS!"

"He's so proud of himself!" I said.

"Well of course," Squish said. "It was a really big bug. He's a mighty hunter. BUT IT WAS SO GROSS!!!"

Cats. 40 pounds of crazy in 10 pounds of fur.

And General Weirdness

Okay--so Easter was fine. We had ham and the two older kids came over which was awesome--but I have to say, I wasn't in the mood to enjoy it as much as I could have been.

Mate kept the kids up until 1:30 the night before, which means that by the time I got to bed, it was 3:30, and a weird thing happens to me when I go to bed that late. I can't go to sleep.

So I lay there, shaking and cold and SLEEPLESS (the cold thing always comes with the sleepless thing--I think it's part of that circadian rhythm thing that happens) and at around 5:30--when I was finally dozing off, the dog got up.

Now, she's been sort of out of sorts--low energy, rumbly tummy--since Friday. We have no idea what happened. She started out her walk super excited and then ate a bug. Something. Saturday there was no poop--and she almost made us pick her up she was so tired. So, six o'clock, Sunday morning, she jumps out of bed and decimates the bedroom.

Decimates. If the rug hadn't been totaled before, well, it is now.

All the poop. Then she whimpered until I picked her up (while Mate was cleaning up) and she just shook in my arms until I got up at nine and took her in to the vets.

We left her there for the rest of the day--but I have to say, I was REALLY out of it for the entire day of festivities.

She got home still a little sad and tired, but improving, and she's almost 100% tonight, but Easter Sunday was sort of a blur.

*sigh* The adult children--who have been chafing under social distancing--seemed to be really happy to have a place to go even if it was just mom and dad's for ham. That made me happy. Also, my son starts a job--after losing both his others to COVID-19. He'll be washing dishes in a senior care facility, and while not exactly excited that he'll be in a virus hotbed, he should be pretty isolated from the worst of it--and a job is hard to come by right now. Kudos for him for going out to look for something.

Today, I got a FANTASTIC gift--my friend who is moving sent me an ENTIRE CASE of old Harlequins, and I love it so. I want to just curl up and start reading right now. *kisses fingertips* Perfection.  I have to admit, I need that sort of distraction--there is other family weirdness I won't bore you with and the dog keeps passing gas that has color, taste, and sound.  Suffice it to say, a romance book may be the best place to be.

My dog is okay right now. Sometimes, it's the little things  that keep your shit together, right?

Shopping During Social Distancing

I'm the worst shopper. Even when I make a list, I get lost in the middle of the store and forget it. I take time outs, unforeseen left turns, and have anxiety attack buys that usually involve chocolate, Oreos, and potato chips.

You'd think I'd get my shit together when we're supposed to going to the store once a week, maybe--you'd think that, right?

But no.

Mate and I take turns, because, frankly, looking at the vast wasteland that used to be the paper products department freaks us both the fuck out. Yeah, for some people it's watching the news--for us it's NOT SEEING ANY TOILET PAPER. Still. Can you sense my hands trembling? It happens.

So, when I send Mate into the store (it's usually after we take the dogs on our nature walk) I send him with a list. He adheres to the list. He does not take unforeseen left turns or have anxiety attacks that involve sugar. The list is law.

And then I go into the supermarket--a flowered scarf wrapped around my face so I look like the Nana Bandit--and come back with a surprising amount of food (much of it on sale and unwholesome) and we have the following conversation:

"Wow."

"Yeah-- there was no toilet paper so I got Oreos and Doritos instead."

*sage nodding* "Of course you did. Didn't I just buy soda?"

"Yes, but this was ON SALE."

*more sage nodding* "Of course it was."

"Anyway, I got ham."

"Good choice for Easter."

"And mashed potatoes and green beans."

"Also good."

"And three pounds of butter."

*slow blink* "Sure."

"We were running out."

"We only had a pound left. You're so right."

"So, anyway. I think we're good. We don't have to go back for a week."

"Good."

And six hours later, as we are both sitting, watching television, the following happens:

"GODDAMNED WHIPPED CREAM!"

*deep breath*  "Well, there's always tomorrow."

Status Report

*  The silkworms are, I regret to inform you, still here. Mate and I go on our mostly deserted walk in the park and when we get back to the car we spend a good five minutes divesting ourselves of the "nature".  In a not unconnected event, there are horny birds everywhere who--high off of silkworm snacking--think Netflix and Chill involves screaming "DO ME!" from the branch of every tree available.  And, in other news, this particular riparian woodland features warnings about rattlesnakes during the summer.

Ah, nature.

And in related news...

*  Me: So, Squishie, do you want to come walking with us?

   Squish: Is there still nature out there?

   Me: If you mean the silkworms, uh, yes. They seem to have gotten fatter.

   Squish: Hard pass. I'd rather do laundry. 

*  Me: So, ZoomBoy, do you want to come walking with us?

 

   ZB: Is there still nature out there?

   Me: Yes.

   ZB: Hard pass--staying home.

  Mate: Even if it means doing homework and mowing the lawn?

   ZB: I don't see silkworms on that lawn.

I never really thought of myself as a hearty pioneer type--Mate neither. But apparently our tolerance for fat little worms who dangle on invisible strings makes us heroes. Who knew?

*  TV in the past two weeks-- Psych, Leverage, and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy in the original Swedish. (Also known as the Millennium trilogy, because that's the name of the main character's magazine.)  The Millennium trilogy is pretty stunning in the original language--I think I could actually watch them again.

* Audiobook: Alone in the Dark by Karen Rose

* e-Book: Rereading Stand in Place by Mary Calmes--I have her newest, and I'm looking forward to it, but Stand in Place makes me really happy. Forgiveness and kindness and reconnecting with roots without the bitter aftertaste--I'm a fan.

And as for the picture? Well, a reader posted in my FB group about how a local SPCA was having the employees draw pictures of people's pets as a fundraiser. No--the pictures weren't masterpieces--that was the point. Well, a reader decided to draw a picture of Geoffie from a picture I'd posted, and she sent it to me. *hugs chest* And I adore it so. It captures the essence of my little nuisance/beloved pet, and I've put it up by my computer. I couldn't love it more if it was Renoir :-)

Kermit Flail! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

Hey all-- it's April, and I'm betting--wherever you are, whatever you are doing--you probably didn't imagine your March would turn out quite the way you'd planned.

Wherever you are, I hope you're healthy, staying sane, and escaping in all the safe ways--quiet walks (in mostly empty parks!), family game time, knitting--and, of course, our favorite, where it all began, READING!

We've got some new releases this month, from some old friends! I hope you all enjoy :-)

Jaime Samms has brought us a contemporary story--with an enchanted twist in Thief in the Light--but she's not the only one! Kim Fielding along with writing partner F.E. Feeley J.R. brings us contemporary horror in Hallelujah! and Kim all by herself brings another creepy shiver up our spine with a romantic twist in The Dance!  And R.L. Merrill joins the paranormal fun with her M/F offering, Healer!  I'm feeling a little left out actually! I"m the only one bringing you straight up contemporary with Shades of Henry--and I hope you love them all!

Thief in the Light

by Jaime Samms

Lucky Denver has wandering feet, sticky fingers and an unreliable moral compass—he’s never had a home and he’s not so sure he cares about what he’s missing.

Albert Kreed who runs a small-town B&B knows what a home should be. So does his home, The Oaks—aka Mildred—and she has some very definite opinions on who should stay and who should go.

Mildred wants Lucky to stay—and while Kreed is surprised, he can’t really blame the old girl. He’s getting sort of attached himself. Lucky might be fine with the house’s eccentricities, but he’s not so sure Kreed will be fine with the man attached to Lucky’s real name. When Kreed falls ill, Lucky needs to make a decision—wander away like he’s always done or stay and be his better self. Kreed’s hoping he’ll stay—and so is The Oaks, and Mildred has a way of getting what she wants.

Buy Here

 Hallelujah 

by Kim Fielding and F.E. Feeley Jr.

Can you hear it?

Whispering in the dark.

Secrets only the dark knows.

Joseph Moore, choir director for the First Baptist Church of Lenora, Nebraska, has secrets of his own. Terrible, lonely secrets. One that involves natural human desire. One that calls forth powers he cannot begin to understand. Both with the potential to destroy him and those he loves.

Now the world is changing. The darkness, the shadows, the ghosts, are closing in—and Joseph and his lover, Kevin, are being stalked by a merciless demon, hell-bent on possession.

Can you hear it now?

There in the dark.

It’s whispering your name.

Buy Here

The Dance

by Kim Fielding

The Dance blurb: After several deaths and near-deaths, chemist and introvert Bram Tillman wishes the last year would unhappen. Then a beautiful man shows up at his door, warning him that more danger lies ahead. Daniel Royer promises to use vodou ceremonies to help Bram discover what’s trying to kill him. But while Bram feels a growing attraction to Daniel, vodou spirits change Bram in unexpected ways.

Buy Here

Healer

by R.L. Merrill

From the award-winning author of Hurricane Reese comes a new supernatural romance that will make you swoon and shiver.


WANTED: Counselor for child trauma victims at scenic boarding school in northern Arkansas. Must have an open mind, be flexible, and be ready to travel at a moment's notice. Patience, extreme vigilance, and discretion required. Generous compensation guaranteed


Veteran teacher and counselor Delaney Frost accepts a job at Havenhart Academy and soon learns that not only are her new charges "gifted"-but that within her resides a power so rare and precious it can be used to heal others. When danger arrives at the academy gates, Delaney and her mysterious, yet alluring boss will fight to protect the children from a megalomaniac out for revenge and the destruction of all she holds dear. 

Buy Here

Shades of Henry

by Amy Lane

A Flophouse Story

One bootstrap act of integrity cost Henry Worrall everything—military career, family, and the secret boyfriend who kept Henry trapped for eleven years. Desperate, Henry shows up on his brother’s doorstep and is offered a place to live and a job as a handyman in a flophouse for young porn stars.


Lance Luna’s past gave him reasons for being in porn, but as he continues his residency at a local hospital, they now feel more like excuses. He’s got the money to move out of the flophouse and live his own life—but who needs privacy when you’re taking care of a bunch of young men who think working penises make them adults?


Lance worries Henry won’t fit in, but Henry’s got a soft spot for lost young men and a way of helping them. Just as Lance and Henry find a rhythm as den mothers, a murder and the ghosts of Henry’s abusive past intrude. Lance knows Henry’s not capable of murder, but is he capable of caring for Lance’s heart?

Buy Here 

Go-Go Boots and Zoomies

For once, I have something to report!

So, Steve and Dewey both had appointments yesterday. Now, normally I would have blown the appointments off--not the time to be hanging about the vets office, shooting the shit, right?  But Steve gets tartar buildup which can get infected quickly--and her appointment two months ago didn't go well--she spiked a fever and they couldn't clean her teeth because they were dealing with the fallout. And Dewey's undercoat was matted to the point where he could have gotten skin infections, and it's starting to get warm again. Things were getting... well, more urgent than your basic, "Cat's fine, buy better food," sort of appointment.

But the vets office was working on a small staff, so things were going slow, and Steve--

Where to start with Steve?  

First of all, we had to get her stoned before we brought her in. That actually worked well because she DIDN'T spike a fever, but...

Well, first they got the two cats mixed up. Not sure how--skeleton crew I suspect. So they gave Dewey a sedative, then started his medical groom. When he woke up and started to PROTEST having his hair shaved down to the felty undercoat next to his skin, they realized, "Hey--maybe we sedated the wrong cat--but it wasn't an altogether BAD idea!"  So seriously--next time they have to do that, I'll spring for the extra $$$ to get the cat stoned.

Steve ALSO got her sedative--and then got her teeth cleaned. And then was almost ready to go home when we got there. And then, apparently the vet went back to get her catheter out and give her a last scratch behind the ears when the cat almost went TITS UP on the vet! Like, she got back there and Steve was cyanotic, and they had to give her medicine for blood pressure and her fever spiked and they had to rub her paws with alcohol to cool her off and basically my cat almost died because she went to the dentist.

FUCKING cat. 

So the vet gave us Dewey to take home and then told us to come back in two hours for Steve. 

Realize that, with the extra wait times we spent maybe three hours, total, in the vets office, six to ten feet away from other pet owners, waiting. 

But we got home and two things--

One, Dewey's medical groom is... oh dear God. Funniest thing we've ever seen. From the backend, it looks like he's a naked skinny pole-dancing furry with go-go boots. From the front, he's a walking photoshop image--who photoshopped that beautiful cat's head on that weirdo body?

Much hilarity ensued. 

And then, when Steve got home... she was needy. She bitched at all of us for a solid half-hour, and then when she was done, she bullied the dog off my lap THREE TIMES so she could purr on me. 

AndI hugged her so tight and told her to NEVER scare us like that again. Poor baby. She thinks she's so tough, but apparently the dentist is no place for a lady.  

And we got home (the first time) and we had the dogs with us--we THOUGHT we were just going to pick the cats up, but Mate and Squish ended up waiting in the car for an hour while ZoomBoy and I waited for two cat carriers (we thought). Anyway--Nebula had been IN THE HOUSE ALONE. Boy, did he let us have it--"You are here! I love that you are here! And the dogs! They will play with me! And the other ca--OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE CHANGED THE OTHER CAT! Will he play? Other cat will you play? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FUR?"

And Dewey was like, "Leave me alone so that I might eat and brood at my hideousness..."

But now he's all excited to play again. 

And Steve has been all over me, all day. I'm fine with that. *squeezes her* God, she's loud and she's bitchy and sometimes she's even mean--but I love her so.

(And people are LOVING Henry--I'm so glad! Don't forget to get your copy HERE!)