In honest to god news this week, somebody stole $50,000 worth of bull semen from a truck in Turlock, which is just south of Sacramento.
You heard that-- someone busted a nut full of bull jizz as it was traveling out of a Sac.
Now, the first thing I did when I heard this was hit Kim Fielding up on Twitter-- she LIVES in Turlock, and I wanted to know what she was going to do about this literary nugget, just dropped into our laps by Chris Hardwick. ONE of us had to use it.
She responded that there were probably a lot of confused meth heads wandering around the central valley.
I responded with way less class than that.
And what follows is a result of that conversation. I warn you-- it is INCREDIBLY crude, and, well, it's after midnight. My filter is off, and I am not being kind or politically sensitive to either drug addicts OR cows of any sexual persuasion. That being said, make sure your head is in the right place when you read this-- oh. And Kim Fielding says that if you have any issues with this at all, you should take it up with her because she made me do it:
Percy the bull got off the dummy,
Flopped his cock and spat.
"I know my spunk's worth a whole lot of money
But sex has gotta be better than that!"
"Now Percy, old man," the farmer replied--
From a safe distance, I add--
"This jar o' jizz is gonna be a whole lot of cows,
And you can say you're the dad!"
Percy rolled his eyes and swished his tail,
Lost in a post-coital daze;
He didn't care that his icicle cum-pail
Was gonna get shipped quite a ways!
A couple of souls with bad skin and worse teeth
Were swapping hand jobs behind Daisy's
Where the diesels rolled in and the truckers abounded,
And everyone's morals were hazy.
These guys saw a big truck with a refrigerator car:
Thought, "Must be a fortune in there!"
And since no one was looking--and they were a little bit high--
Breaking in seemed way more than fair!
Pretty soon they were laughing, skipping and dancing
Through the fields behind Hwy 80.
"It's white and it's liquid and flakes when it dries--
Bet this shit will snort up like crazy!"
They ran quite a ways in their post-thievery daze
To a field where the cow patties were fresh.
With a razor and mirror it became a bit clearer
The shit in the pail warn't meth!
But junkies know why just a little bit high
Is better than no high at all.
They both took a snort with no better retort
Than to let the whiffs splay where they fall.
"Gah!" shouted the one guy, the fuck-it-and-cum-guy
"This cow jizz, what's it doing to me?"
"Don't know," said the other--his fuck-and-buzz-brother
"But with the second snort the dick-milk is free!"
"What'll we do?" cried the first guy to snort.
"We've got boners that we just can't make quit!
We've jacked off to tears, and have cum out our ears
And we've come in all holes and our fists!"
"I know!" said the other, "A solution, my brother!
T'was cow jizz that started this tizzy!
Let's find us a cow and go at it--and how!--
And fuck the damned thing 'til we're dizzy!"
"And what will that do?" said the first guy, in tears.
"How's a cow any different for coming?"
"Well for one thing, they move," the second guy observed,
"It's much harder to fuck them while running."
What can I say, they were high, and their brains were not spry,
And the there were cows in the field for miles.
Including Percy, the bull, who's big tug and pull
Resulted in hard-ons and smiles.
So one guy found a cow and got kicked--oh and how!
They found him flat on his ass
Save for the tent in his old baggy jeans,
Which pushed forth like a triumphant staff.
The second guy chose a bit more wisely, I suppose--
He went for the bull in the pen.
Old Percy was stewing, his cud he was chewing
And a surprise he ain't had since that when!
Well, their unusual collusion reached it's ugly conclusion
When finally the high it wore off.
The poor guy snorting cum saw his jeans were undone
And burst into tears and just tore off.
Went into rehab, I heard, though he's spoke not a word
About the ugly ass of rock bottom.
And I've heard that he could not even sport wood
Not since that fracas last autumn!
As for Percy, he's fine, from up front and behind
And he wouldn't hold a grudge if he could.
As he thought to himself during the whole bizarre spell
For that bull its when sex just got good.